My hair is literally sticking up all over my head. It was styled before H left. I changed it this weekend, but did absolutely nothing to it today except put a headband on.
*please note, I look like a bad Afro Sheen commercial.*
H comes in and excitedly says, "Oh wow, your hair is out." I just busted out laughing.
Guess changing your hairstyle doesn't make a difference after all. Just buy an afro wig. LOL
(((Purg))) remember that u are here on this board cause u are special. H is rationalizing his every act to justify. So let his acts wash over you and detach.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
I think its the eyes that are more painful then the words or the freakin papers. Seeing that blank stare like they are possessed - you know when they have eyes like that nothing you say can or do to get through to them. It is so so hard. (((Purg))) I have seen those eyes too.
What BF said is right on. This is a obstacle and we just need to keep on, all these obstacles give us an opportunitity to show them how cool we can be even under extreme circumstance.
You are not signing these papers yet, just move forward slowly - we will help find more ways to delay it.
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
You're human and it hurts when you're treated poorly. I'm sorry your night has been so rough. Its a roller coaster and you've been away from the sitch for a couple weeks.
Take care of you and be awesome tomorrow at work! They're going to love you!
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
Ro- thanks, the hair image did make me laugh a little. Your H's comment "hair is OUT"; not 'down' or 'up'.. but 'out'! that's what go me, it gave a great visual!
BF- whenever I get super emotional (screaming or crying) my oxygen gets depleted because of the hole in my heart combined with my lung issues....I've passed out a lot b/c of it. H has witnessed this many times and always rubs my back until it passes (even when he was the one causing the crying.) It hit me tonight, that I'm alone and if this happens, I'm scared what will happen- another level of stress that I don't need. {I actually haven't thought about my heart in a while- b/c I wasn't doing anything to aggravate it... until tonight}
I feel in my heart and soul that this is not over yet. Something keeps bringing me back to the fight.... no matter what he's done. I want to give it up, but something won't let me. H is so angry- and he's comfortable standing behind his anger. If there was someway to put a crack in that wall, I know that the love he has would filter through and eventually break down that wall.
I had a (kinda) revelation while talking to my friend tonight..... H has been angry since I came back. He doesn't have OW to talk to anymore- so he's probably mourning that loss (in some twisted way) so that could be underlying his irritations.... but BIGGER than that.... It's been said often on here that OW/OM are *symptoms* not *causes* of MLC... and they also serve as a distraction from dealing with their issues, right? SO..... is it possible that H is angry b/c he has no distraction to keep his focus away from *his* issues? Now that OW is no longer available to talk to and hang out with, H only has time to look at our R and himself. What I hope he sees is this: That *I* have made dramatic changes, for the better. I'm not the angry, aggressive, non-listening purg that he left 3 months ago. He's even made positive comments on them... and since I've made the best of a bad situation- and he's still sitting with his anger, he has to wonder why? (or at least that makes sense to me... I hope it didn't get lost in translation while typing it out.)
Nights like tonight make me wish I had a DB friend to call. You guys always have the right things to say.
Off to bed, hopefully my eyes won't be too puffy tomorrow at work.
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
In a few days I'll give you my digits and you WILL have a DB friend to call!!
Hang in there!
I think everyone is right about the shark eyes and being "away" from your sitch for a while. I think that everything tends to pile up and hit us before we realize it.
I think alot of what you said makes perfect since, about his anger and not having OW to distract him.
I know what you mean about just knowing and feeling that something deep within you keeps telling you this is just not the end for "us". I still believe that, even if D happens, H and I still aren't done. Those walls will come down, the love will come through, and they will regret their choices!
Keep up the great work and eventually he will realize the new purg isn't going anywhere!!
Me31 H33 M11 T15 S10, D4 H deploys 01/11 H R&R two weeks 10/11 ILYBNILWY/sep 12/11 homecoming 1/12 pos D 1/13
" I just have a hard time balancing what I need to own and what is also not my fault."
, I feel so much regret for all the things I put him through and I can understand why he wants out b/c he tried for all those years to not give up on me.. but I failed him every time. My H *did* try to tell me that he wasn't happy- although it never came until he had reached his breaking point, so he was more angry than I realized. The pattern became: he would tell me that he wasn't happy with our M, I would do a few things to make life better, it would only last a week or two... then it would build up and start over again. Over the years, my H stopped telling me because he had learned that it wouldn't do any good. I struggle with how do I apologize to him for so many years of neglect? Is that ever forgivable?
The thing I have a hard time accepting (and it makes me very sad) is that I never had the strength to take his pain to heart and do "the really hard work" to permanently fix the problems. I had the mindset that *I* had a right to express my anger in whatever way I wanted to, and if he couldn't deal with it- than he could leave (really selfish and conceited, huh?!) In my therapy, I've learned what things in my past and life experiences that didn't allow me to be vulnerable and admit that *I* was in the wrong. All I can do now is move forward in this "new self awareness" body and mind.... and hope that it's enough to allow him to love and trust me again.
I feel the exact same way. I admitted BEFORE all this happened that I used him as a scapegoat. I wish I had made a more concerted effort to change.
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
I had a (kinda) revelation while talking to my friend tonight..... H has been angry since I came back. He doesn't have OW to talk to anymore- so he's probably mourning that loss (in some twisted way) so that could be underlying his irritations.... but BIGGER than that.... It's been said often on here that OW/OM are *symptoms* not *causes* of MLC... and they also serve as a distraction from dealing with their issues, right? SO..... is it possible that H is angry b/c he has no distraction to keep his focus away from *his* issues? Now that OW is no longer available to talk to and hang out with, H only has time to look at our R and himself. What I hope he sees is this:
Nights like tonight make me wish I had a DB friend to call. You guys always have the right things to say.
#1 yes. The affair is a symptom of the disease. I compare it to alcoholism and all the symptoms associated w it, lying, hiding the addiction etc. There's an analogy I read, if a friend cancels because they got the flu, would you be angry w the flu? Heres the link http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/pdf/B22_11.pdf
#2 I feel the same way! I wish there was a DB phone list! Especially for times when WAS step out and we r left in pieces. I HATE that feeling.
My ex was a total ass a few months ago. He was in complete denial. Recently he is very much himself. Mind you, he sees a therapist (not on a regular basis). That time was so hard for me because I couldnt read him. He was a completely different person. When we touch on it now, he says he didn't even recognize himself. Goes to show u that they're just as confused as we are!
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
