Too Little Too Late.... part 7

[purgatory]

Ro- thanks, the hair image did make me laugh a little. Your H's comment "hair is OUT"; not 'down' or 'up'.. but 'out'! that's what go me, it gave a great visual!

BF- whenever I get super emotional (screaming or crying) my oxygen gets depleted because of the hole in my heart combined with my lung issues....I've passed out a lot b/c of it. H has witnessed this many times and always rubs my back until it passes (even when he was the one causing the crying.) It hit me tonight, that I'm alone and if this happens, I'm scared what will happen- another level of stress that I don't need.
{I actually haven't thought about my heart in a while- b/c I wasn't doing anything to aggravate it... until tonight}

I feel in my heart and soul that this is not over yet. Something keeps bringing me back to the fight.... no matter what he's done. I want to give it up, but something won't let me. H is so angry- and he's comfortable standing behind his anger. If there was someway to put a crack in that wall, I know that the love he has would filter through and eventually break down that wall.

I had a (kinda) revelation while talking to my friend tonight..... H has been angry since I came back. He doesn't have OW to talk to anymore- so he's probably mourning that loss (in some twisted way) so that could be underlying his irritations.... but BIGGER than that....
It's been said often on here that OW/OM are *symptoms* not *causes* of MLC... and they also serve as a distraction from dealing with their issues, right? SO..... is it possible that H is angry b/c he has no distraction to keep his focus away from *his* issues? Now that OW is no longer available to talk to and hang out with, H only has time to look at our R and himself. What I hope he sees is this:
That *I* have made dramatic changes, for the better. I'm not the angry, aggressive, non-listening purg that he left 3 months ago. He's even made positive comments on them... and since I've made the best of a bad situation- and he's still sitting with his anger, he has to wonder why? (or at least that makes sense to me... I hope it didn't get lost in translation while typing it out.)

Nights like tonight make me wish I had a DB friend to call. You guys always have the right things to say.

Off to bed, hopefully my eyes won't be too puffy tomorrow at work.