Specifics, please! Can't afford telephone consult!

[ptcr]

Should I take myself off of his account or let him open his own? This is NOT our household account. I hesitate to do this and this is for his funny money...or his frat boy lifestyle expenses as I like to say. AND his requests for the AMOUNT of money he thought he needed were incredible, absolutely crazy!!!! Ideas???

[mishka422]

Like I said, it was a gut feeling when I saw the PTC and then when you said golf cart paths.....that did it. The two added up and, seriously, how many cities are there that have that feature? LOL. We are pretty unique like that. Him being a pilot was just gravy. Dang, half the town is airline people. I'm a corporate travel agent and long ago worked for UA. Small world.

Anyway, I wasn't always successful at tuning them out. I did have a few confidants but mostly it was this board that pulled me through when o was ready to burst.

My story is long and tedious and the point I've come to in my journey is strange but it works for now. Just know that no one else can tell you what you should do. Only you know your heart and your threshold for pain and trust me, there us a whole lot of pain on this road.

[mishka422]

Ok, so the household expenses are done from a separate account? He is not threatening that account? This is still 'marital funds' by law. It will become part of any settlements in the future. Ask your L what the ramifications are before you agree to anything.

Is your L's first name Pat?

[ptcr]

OMG! Heck yes his name is Pat! The man is known to every pilot in this town and as a stay at home mom for 22+ years with NO income I need to protect my bank acount. Quick money list here...paycheck goes into main account where we pay all our bills. Then we have a "household" account for groceries, school expenses (not college), clothing, vacations, boat gas in summer, etc, etc. He is actually not threatening ANYTHING at all, just asks that his "per diem" money (paid by airline for time away from base which has always gone into a joint account at our bank that he uses exclusively for trips) and his living money be "private" so I can't see what the heck he does with it...i.e. OW is an expensive piece of @$$. AND he is asking for a LOT of money AND to be "reimbursed" for vacation if he takes the children since that comes from the household account and shouldn't some of that be his. When he first moved out, his story was he just needed rent money for this room and a little for food. Guess what? MC correct. Shark circling our marriage smells blood in the water with him OUT of the house and she is making demands on him....financial and otherwise. She thinks she is jumping on the money train with a pilot. Bleck.....heard it, seen it, know it. This is why FAs do body shots in the crew lounge. Disgusting. My L, Pat, will depose her if necessary. While i do NOT want a divorce, the thought of her being deposed has brought me a significant amount of joy today. Evil, that is my evil side! I KNOW vengeance is NOT mine, etc. So...when asked earlier about what husband said was bothering him...I thought we were not supposed to believe anything he said. Because, believe me, the things he brought up were NOT even true (fat, not athletic, not enough sex, my desk in the kitchen is a mess, the laundry room bugs him, I coddle the children). In fact, after months of MC he said, the "problem is with me" and it "has nothing to do with you."

So...money question answered? He has fussed and raged about wanting his own account but that is for his "play" money and not anything we use to pay the bills (of which there are plenty due to his entitlement attitude).

[25yearsmlc]

hey I know this sukks and hurts...

but regardless of what the mc said, your h DID raise some concerns about the marriage and I would not pooh pooh them so easily.

See the thing is, it's empowering to have to work on something inside b/c it means you can do something.
If you were a perfect wife and this really is ALL about HIM and has nothing to do w/you

then you are powerless. Do you want that?

Can you see my point? The more work you have to do in yourself, the more empowered YOU are.


What's your husband's love language? And how do you give love?

You would not be the first couple to have to "re-set" the love languages...

just a thought.

(and you still need to protect yourself legally)

It's just that if your h can see some 180s he might think marriage to you

could be better/different. If he doesn't believe that, he may not return.

I hope you get this^^^...

good luck

[ptcr]

25yrsMLC...so what do I believe? The stuff he was saying before the MLC or during. That is what is confusing me. He is definitely doing a 180. I love this man dearly, probably too much. I think I lost myself to parenting my children in his absence all these years and stopped being ME. In MC after he moved out the first time and before he moved out the 2nd, they told us we had a long history, we were very attached to one another and that we obviously cared about one another and that if he "really" wanted to be gone he would be but that he was here trying....found out he was lying to them about OW. So what to believe. He thought was I was too "emotinally needy" at the end of a 6-day trip when he would come hom and maybe i would be "better off married to a 9-5 guy." I cried (should have read DB after he came back the first time) because I handle everything in our lives..I was pregnant and delivered our first son by myself on a 6-month deployment. I feel quite capable. Probably too capable? He comes and goes with such regularity it is hard to vacilate from needy wifey to independent single parent and when he is home he is tired and has all the household stuff to do that falls into his purview. IC says he is depressed and blaming me and to keep on keeping on with routine i have established years ago. I am so confused. When I ask him, he refuses to talk about it. I don't ask often. I don't take the temperature of our relationship...i do know that! Sunday he announced he was moving out....hung out together all week like nothing was wrong, went to trivia night, rented a movie, golf cart ride, played Rock Band, worked on budget, enjoyed candlelit dinners and dinner with son and then Friday he says "you know I am still leaving" and he "guessed he confused us" but "we had a nice time and I fixed stuff around the house." I was not begging, pleading, anything. I told him Tuesday of that same week that if he needed to go I understood and that I did not want to be lied to and cheated on. Tuesday! Later that day he asked me to hang out. We worked on our budget all week, getting reading for taxes and FASFA for our S18, and he NEVER mentioned the money he would need to move out. That has become an evil monster - needs more after each trip. So, please tell me what it is you think I could do/change. He has texted me a few times (took S16 skiing out West to see his parents..when I called them to talk to S16 who was asleep his Mom asked how I was doing and she said "he is going through a MLC" and "at least there is not another woman involved" and that H said "hopefully we can reconcile." Okay, do I believe ANY of that. He did not tell his Mom the truth and he is not ACTING like he hopes we reconcile. Anyway....I drove up to our lake house in VA and when I got here I did call him to ask how to turn the water on and the hot water heater. He said he was "surprised" I went and very surprised I was staying by myself (family lives about an hour away). So victory on that 180!!! I have been journalling like mad since I arrived and thoroughly enjoying myself and have heard from him only once with pics of S16 snowboarding. No mention of money or anything else from last phone conversation last week. So I am just leaving it at that. He is solid GONE. He did go into the house on Friday when they did not get on the flight (standby passengers) and stayed in S18's room. I asked him not to go in the house but he said he "wouldn't be denied access" so do I change the locks when I get home? Really feel like it would escalate things. Follow my gut, right? Help!!!!!

[mishka422]

PTC, listen to 25. She is the absolute master of this approach. I'm not saying to poo poo what he said, but take it with a grain of salt. There may be truths there but they are also clouded by his feelings of euphoria in this bit of fluff he has going on.

Pat us definitely the shark. My best friend used him and her D was pretty complex and nasty. Just watch the billing and get monthly statements on how your retainer is being used. I couldn't afford him but also, I didn't have a bunch of assets involved. U used the female shark and she was fabulous.

Now, back to your plan of action regarding the finances. If the per diem was not included in your monthly budget then let him have it. As long as its not going to hurt your way of living or your sons' daily living and future then let him have it and watch him sink. He will.......trust me. She thinks she has found a sugar daddy, well money only goes so far but my guess is she will keep asking for more and more until he finally is tapped out. My fear for you is that he will open new cc's that you won't know about and that will become joint debt.

Again, call your L's office and ask how it would affect you if he opened cards you had no knowledge of and what they think of you taking yourself off that one account.

[mishka422]

PTC, legally, in the state of GA, you can not change the locks as long as his name is on the mortgage. Until he signs a quit claim deed he can come and go as he pleases and break every boundary. You would have to take further legal action to keep him out.

There is no clear answer to any of this. He is not only lying to you, he's lying to his own parents. That says something huge. He is ashamed of what he is doing. Your S16 knows about OW, right? He expects that your son is going to keep this secret for him? If so, that is sick and bad parenting. I hope he hasn't done that.

Pilots are a breed aren't they? LOL. Their poo don't stink, they are almost gods in their own minds. All that on the surface, yet every pilot I know either has a drinking problem, anger issues, infidelity issues, porn addiction, or financial difficulties from living a grandiose lifestyle. It's a strange thing to watch from the sidelines. Being in the middle of it must be like being in a vortex.

One question I just thought of. When was your h officially diagnosed with depression and what help is he getting for it?

[ptcr]

Okay, making list of what he said with grain of salt...i am slowly getting this! Who is female shark? Is her last name Sanderson?

Yes, he has the per diem and always has. Should I take myself off that account so he has "privacy." I am afraid he will transfer money from our joint account into it that I cannot access. THIS IS VALID! He would NOT want me to do this. Plus, he is asking for $1100/month PLUS vacation money! For 2 weeks at home! This figure is ABSURD! We don't have that much "play money" now! Really, he is delusional.

So.....
Change locks?
Remove myself from account?
I think the GAL stuff will help me be less emotionally needy and the going DARK will prove I am not the emotionally fragile person he called me in counseling.
There is just NO way to work on the sexual part! LOL!
What is last name of female shark?
I just consulted with Pat so he couldn't use him. I have no intention of filing. Pilots get mean. I heard he is a fortune, but in adultery cases he usually wins attorney fees for the "long suffering wife" as I was told.

Any more ideas for me?
THANKS

[ptcr]

Just got your message....yep it is like living in a vortex. Thanks for lock law. It would escalate things ad infinitum, believe me. He has all the problems you listed above. Infidelity, he even said at one point sex addiction which I beleive though he quickly back pedalled, BIG financial problems and debt because of grandiose lifestyle (I even have marriage counseling notes IN HIS WRITING that I need to STOP talking about debt!), he has an incredibly huge ego, counselor said he has dysthemia (chronic low level depression but since pilots cannot take anti-depressants he refuses to get help though she said go see someone and pay cash because she knows people that do just that), he took some Zoloft 50 mg for about 6 weeks and decided it wasn't working for him even though he KNOWS it takes a while for those things to kick in, his Dad is bipolar and he KNOWS it runs in his family and he told me as he was walking out the door that he wasn't "ready to go down that route yet" and so he flew off to OW in nasty room across town...really I think THAT will kill him. We have super cozy home, hot tub, etc, etc and he is living in a rented room in a yucky neighborhood. THAT will be the straw in my opinion. He is a man of creature comforts and he has NONE of them there. OW lives by herself outside of NYC so THAT could not be the standard of living he thinks he deserves. Any experience with other pilots and DBing? And yes, S16 and S18 know about OW and yes he is expecting him to keep his secret. Yuck, yuck, yuck. It took all I had to ignore his Mom's comment. He never even talks to them so it doesn't matter....it is really pitiful. Yes, MC and IC said he was full of shame and guilt. Is that a good thing? Thanks mishka