Specifics, please! Can't afford telephone consult!

[Cadet]

I do NOT want a divorce. He is in lala land. I am not calling or emailing him other than dealing with children.

Pilot divorces are epic though and I worry...so I saw meanest attorney in town that does character assasination to block him from using him AGAINST me. I have copies of all financials, etc, to protect myself. He just walked out.

I do NOT want to escalate things, but I do not know exactly how to proceed in this situation.
Counselor says this is his reality and DO NOT see or talk to him and just keep taking care of things.

As in the above post start small, first just worry about YOU.
BASICS like surviviing.

MLC is not something that ends quickly.

There are no magic buttons to press or shortcuts.

Please keep posting and I will be looking in on you from time to time.

[ptcr]

In sticking to one thread, I will add to my story now. H has not seen S16 in 3 weeks and came to take him to ski over his winter break, helping himself into our house though i told him not to come in as I was not in his room he rented across town. He said he "would not be denied access to the house he paid for" (real ego he has). Of course, freaked my son out that he was in the house when he got home from school and they went to the airport. They fly standby (airline employee) and did not get on the flight Friday, so they came home and H slept in S18's room??? Totally freaking out my children (S18 at college thinks SUPER messed up too). Meanwhile, I left to go to our lake house with the cat and dog. Drove 8 hours listening to funny book on my ipad and cried and stopped often. When I got here, I texted him about how to turn on the water, hot water, etc. He said he was "surprised" I went all the way to VA to stay alone at our house. So success with THIS 180! Still no mention of money. If you read prior post, he has ideas that he deserves a LOT of money to live across town and travel with OW. I have made NO move to do anything (he wants me OFF his account for privacy or he is "going to open a new one" ...okay....go for it. I am not making this easy for him. I am just backing off. Is this right? Attorney and therapist say if he wants own account, get it. I see no mention of $ in DB posts or books. How do others handle this? Thanks!!!!

[MrBond]

Alot of your post has been about your H's problems, etc. But was there anything that he said about issues he had with you? Even when they don't say things, you can pick up clues here and there.

Backing up, going dark, etc. are okay. But if there were problems there that aren't being resolved, then it's not going to have him wanting to come back.

Even things that you've noticed, like if you haven't been spending time together, or that you take each other for granted, etc. Just because you didn't argue much before, doesn't mean that things have been perfect.

[mishka422]

Ptc....first and foremost, let me welcome you to the last place you ever wanted to be.

Second, I was scanning the newcomers thread and your screen name caught my eye. I had never seen anyone except people who live in my town refer to themselves using ptc...low an behold while reading your first post I realize we are in the same city! Holy cow!

Now, on to more important things.

Everything that everyone is telling you is absolutely correct. You can not, nor should you ever, try to decipher why your H is doing this or put any kind of label on it. It is what it is and that is out of your control.

Yes, your H is having a crisis of some sort. That is his to sort out. It stinks that it is hurting your family so much but he is in 100% selfish mode and refuses to see the pain he is causing.

Now, your entire focus must be on you and your kids. The one positive is that your sons are not young. You won't need to try to turn yourself inside out hiding their father's lies and betrayal. They will handle that on their own but they may need some C along the way.

As far as the money, what does your L say. I too had one of the most tough nosed attorney's in town who took pleasure in raking my xh over the coals and making him squirm. In my case it only got me a signature on a paper (LONG LONG LONG story) but it was very satisfying at the time.

You have massive assets and lots of debts jointly. This is something he is not looking at because he's in la la land. It stinks that you have to shoulder all the responsibility but that is your only choice.

If he has his own account, is he also going to pay all the bills from that account? It sounds like you do all of that now. Is he willing to take it over? If not, how are the bills going to get paid? It's a logical question and he's not thinking logically.

At this point I would go completely no contact with him unless one of your children is injured or the electricity is being shut off (assuming he follows through with his threats of re-routing the money).

It sounds like you are very involved in your church. That is a lifeline. Hold on to it tightly. I too found my comfort in the Lord and my R with Him. My church family has stood with me, helped me find counseling, and counseled me themselves where they could.

Even if the D is not actually in motion or happening any time soon, find a Divorce Care group. I attended one at Heritage when the bomb first dropped and then joined an ongoing group at First Baptist for about a year afterward. It was another lifeline with people who were going through what I was and who could identify with me. Going through the steps will help you get a grip on your emotions, show you passages that will help guide you through healing in God's own words, and give you a new circle of friends.

I actually met my best friend there. She and I have become closer than most people in my life, including my lifelong best friend, because we have shared things I could never share with those I knew before. It hurt to bad to see the pity in their eyes. Now I have someone who never pitied my, she only supported me.

If we can ever find a way to get info to each other personally we could get together in person to talk. If you ever need someone outside of your social circle to talk to, we'll find a way.

HUGS!!!!!

[25yearsmlc]

DBing says when the sh1t hits the fan in a divorce proceeding you must protect yourself financially.

That's totally reasonable. Though your kids are older, it's also part of what they may need for college that your h might fly through if he and OW are galavanting.

So you are also doing it for them. At one point I filed for a legal sep b/c I worried that my h was so into his MLC and the "heroes" he had on the tundra, that he'd mortgage our home to "invest" with them.

Later on, like 3 years, he said "thank God WE didn't mortgage our house for those guys"

as if he had no recall of why "WE" could not mortgage the house. (B/C i had filed for a sep, he could not sell or mortgage the home w/o me agreeing, which I would not have done. As it was we lost a ton of money).

In a way i did it for us too, but if we had not reconciled at least I protected myself and the kids. It's a marital asset.

Secondly

As Bond said, you must dig deep to see what YOU can work on in yourself

b/c if all was well and the marriage was fine, then you are powerless to do anything. All marriages have issues and I think if you dig deep you'll recall some things he expressed that were not satisfying him.

We are not making this your fault. BUT try to See the need to improve yourself as empowering b/c it really is. It means you CAN do something about all this.

And since you are the one posting here to save the m, we can only advise you -and you are all you control.

Worry less about your h and what others are saying (b/c it won't help you if you want to keep the road home, paved and smooth)

and focus on YOUR OWN WORK b/c hey, we all have our stuff.

Good luck

[ptcr]

There is no PM link here mishka to get in touch with you! Yes, we are in the same town. Your tough nosed attorney MUST be the one I have...hahaha....and THAT is his reputation as my therapist said, character assasination! I saw that a group just started at Heritage but did not know if that was appropriate. Would love to meet for coffee.

[mishka422]

Yeah, no pm's here but we can figure it out.

What other questions have come to mind?

[mishka422]

I just remembered something else I was going to address.

Your husband's claims that you are 'too nice' have to be the biggest bunch of gooey I have ever heard. But, if that's his issue with you then maybe he is asking for you to be more assertive and not so agreeable. To me, that is a legitimate complaint. Was he possibly calling you a pushover?

[ptcr]

How did you know i was in Georgia is first question. Throughout this crisis, I have been stalked twice and hubby once, had to change my cell phone number, call the police AND the chief pilot at the airline, and my facebook page just disappeared...I am soooo wary of online stuff!

HOW did you tune out everyone else's plans for you to get revenge? I know they want the pain to end...my own father who is a pastor just told me tonight that I am "a better person" than he is because he would have told my husband's parents so they could talk some sense into him...I tried to explain to him that it would NOT help and that I wished to remain blameless with my grace and dignity intact....

[ptcr]

Too nice...pushover. Let's put it this way. I THINK the problem is that he had NO responsibility for his life. I am an old school military wife who had Officer's Wives Indoc when we were first married where I was told that my hubby needed 3 hot meals a day and that I was to be strong and NOT fall apart when he was out of town...fast forward to airline industry where he is GONE 1/2 of every month if not more. I have stayed home and managed his entire life, bills, volunteering, children to scouts, sports, school, debate, etc. I fill him in on the details. I am a single parent 1/2 of every month, month in and month out. I do not complain but I THINK the problem is I enabled his ability to detach from our family. He doesn't have to call the kids when he is stateside in teh middle of an international trip because I fill him in on all the cute stories, funny antecdotes, etc. This is what a military wife does. Same story right down every house in my neighborhood....He has complained about our sexuality but also we have seen counseling about his inability to show affection (military man - all black and white, etc) and his family is highly dysfunctional and he did NOT have a caring or kind mother and had an emotionally distant father whose expectations he NEVER met! How, I do not know. The man is an aerospace engineer, naval officer, pilot, and commercial airline pilot now. He has worked hard. I have supported the home front. I read a book about Madonna versus the Whore or something and I think that I have room to work in that area but I am NOT a frigid woman and he REFUSES to talk during or before sex about WHAT he wants...he really has a movie script in his head for bedroom stuff. I am NOT blameless, but I have NOTHING to work with! MCs have told us this, communicate, etc, and he will NOT do it. I really do not know what to do. Now he has moved out so really who knows....going dark.