37 year old virgin!

[lea74]

So it has been sometime since I have been on DB. I seem to turn here whenever things get a little hard for inspiration, ideas and often a smile.

So it is now 2 years since my xH left and it will be 2 years in may since D is finalised.

I feel like I am finally at a point where I can start dating and thinking of a new relationship. After being with my xH since I was 14 and together 22 years I wasnt ready to step into a relationship. Actually it would be my first grown up relationship as I have never dated - so yes I feel like a 37 year old virgin.

I have tried a couple of online dating sites, but so far they have not been successful. I seem to attract all the weirdos. No seriously - one guy said he wanted to lick my shoes.

Anyway there has been someone who lives in my village who I have been attracted to. In fact he is my sons football coach. I dont know him very well but all the parents went out the other night and I ended up back at his place. This was huge for me!! I have never done this before. Anyway I told him that I needed things to go really slowly and he didnt seem to be interested. In fact he called me naive and a goody two shoes. We have texted a couple of times since then but nothing further. I guess I realised that it wasnt going to go anywhere and that we were both on different pages, but am feeling so rejected now again.

My xH married OW quite quickly after our D and the feelings of not being good enough are coming back. I am trying not to be pessimistic about dating but it seems my first experience back in the saddle, so as to speak, is a disaster!

[ClingingToHope]

It's better that it happened this way instead of just jumping into bed with him. The divorce recovery classes I've gone to had something interesting on this. They said emotional intimacy stops growing once you start having sex. The relationship just becomes about the sex.

It makes sense. XW and I started having sex right away and there are lots of things I never really learned about her. Now that I can't have her I want to know those things weird.

I just got out of a six week relationship where we had sex five of the seven dates. Just what guys want right?

I got bored right away and when things started to get complicated I discovered I had no real interest in her as a person. Maybe I would have if I'd had to wait and get to know her first.

[kml]

Anyway I told him that I needed things to go really slowly and he didnt seem to be interested. In fact he called me naive and a goody two shoes.

Oh, PUH-LEEZE!!!!!!!!

You guys didn't even have a real DATE and he's guilting you about not sleeping with him? Run away, run away!!!! This is a bad guy!!!!

I'll admit, my natural tendency is to be more of the "sleep together first, ask questions later" type of date - but it definitely can cause problems. And one of the BIG problems is, no matter how much they whine about it, guys actually respect and value you more if you make them work for it! Ever notice how the guys you're NOT attracted to, put out tons of effort to try to interest you? The trick is to appear similarly disinterested in the guys you LIKE, I guess. lol

But seriously - this guy sounds like a womanizer and a bully. No GOOD man would be put off by you refusing to sleep with him when he hasn't even taken you out on a formal date yet.

Forget about him. This has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him being a slimebucket. And if you call or text him again I'll slap you silly.

Go find a grownup man worthy of your attentions.

[25yearsmlc]

listen to KML and flee the coach!


And fwiw I found that taking it slow sexually, Never hurt a r,

but rushing it sexually often did. I really believe this strongly.

Listen to your gut and stop letting idiots (or exh) "make" you feel bad about yourself.

You are in charge of how you see yourself so don't let that type of input in.

And what are you writing online about yourself that attracts weirdos? Post that you are happy and independent etc...

nothing needy or clingy -- I have 2 siblings who met their spouses online and have been married over a decade.

So it happens.


Hang in there and good luck!

[kml]

And what are you writing online about yourself that attracts weirdos?

Oh, 25, it probably doesn't matter what she writes. There are just a lot of weirdos online. You just have to be cautious and keep your radar on. (Luckily, so far I've found the foot fetishists are surprisingly upfront about it, so I can rule them out quickly!)

[2thepoint]

So it has been sometime since I have been on DB. I seem to turn here whenever things get a little hard for inspiration, ideas and often a smile.

So it is now 2 years since my xH left and it will be 2 years in may since D is finalised.

I feel like I am finally at a point where I can start dating and thinking of a new relationship. After being with my xH since I was 14 and together 22 years I wasnt ready to step into a relationship. Actually it would be my first grown up relationship as I have never dated - so yes I feel like a 37 year old virgin.

I have tried a couple of online dating sites, but so far they have not been successful. I seem to attract all the weirdos. No seriously - one guy said he wanted to lick my shoes.

Anyway there has been someone who lives in my village who I have been attracted to. In fact he is my sons football coach. I dont know him very well but all the parents went out the other night and I ended up back at his place. This was huge for me!! I have never done this before. Anyway I told him that I needed things to go really slowly and he didnt seem to be interested. In fact he called me naive and a goody two shoes. We have texted a couple of times since then but nothing further. I guess I realised that it wasnt going to go anywhere and that we were both on different pages, but am feeling so rejected now again.

My xH married OW quite quickly after our D and the feelings of not being good enough are coming back. I am trying not to be pessimistic about dating but it seems my first experience back in the saddle, so as to speak, is a disaster!

OK, you got me! The title of this thread had me hooked!

My best advice is to steer clear of the dating websites. They really are for hooking up. If that is what you want then go for it, but there are a lot of creeps out there, so be careful.

I think you probably know this, but it is worth repeating. Love will find you when you are truly ready.

Perhaps your next R is with someone who shares the same interest as you do. Are you a member of any clubs, bowling leagues, gym, church, etc.? This is where you may stumble upon the love of your life.

Hang in there and let things happen in their own time. Love will find you again.

[kml]

My best advice is to steer clear of the dating websites. They really are for hooking up.

Oh, I disagree - EVERYbody is on them these days, you find an assortment just like anywhere else. The nicest boyfriend I had since my divorce I met online - and the most disappointing boyfriend I met while out shopping in my neighborhood.

Yes, there are plenty of guys there looking to hook up - be suspicious of the out-of-towners, the ones who mention pretty feet, the ones who don't post photos, etc. But I've still found it to be a pretty good way to find guys that interest me.

[antlers]

My best advice is to steer clear of the dating websites.

Oh, I disagree - EVERYbody is on them these days,

Not EVERYbody is. I'm not. Just something about it that goes against my grain. Just seems 'cheap' and 'plastic' to me.

[SunFunOne]

Good and bad with dating sites. I went on them with a plan and a clear set of guidelines. I went on a few coffee dates then I met Josh and never looked back. We will celebrate 8 years together on April 1!!!! Things are peachy. I could not have found him in my city.

That guy was a slimebag and he thought you were easy because you showed some interest in him. Good for you for not "going there". Like you, I married my first boyfriend. We were together 30 years when he cheated and ran off. Having sex again just terrified me but with the right person (someone who cares a lot about you) - it has been terrific.

Make sure you are ready and go to counselling if you are not. You need to heal yourself from your hurt before you are ready to give your heart to someone new.

Best wishes.

Barb

[lea74]

So thank you all for your input - I really appreciate it. A couple of things I have noticed and realised is, KML, you are spot on here. He seems to have tried to guilt me here and sulked when he didnt get his own way (in fact I can picture his face when I left and there was definitely a bit of a sulk there). Interestingly exactly like my xH. Who also used to sulk and behave like a baby when he didnt get what he wanted and then made me feel guilty. TBH I have been feeling a little bad for the last few weeks for making him (coach) feel rejected and thought perhaps I was at fault. Am now really mad at myself for falling into my old ways of trying to be a pleaser and make sure others are okay, generally at my own expense. Thank goodness I have now noticed this very self destructive habit of mine - it wont happen again.

Also regarding websites, I do know alot of people (in fact my mom is one of them) who have met some wonderful people online. I think you just need to proceed with caution and always go with your gut. My preference would be to meet someone who is perhaps a friend first, but am happy to look at all options.

So it may have been a bad start but it can only get better from here and am looking forward to the dating process.

hugs everyone.