Too Little Too Late.... part 7

[25yearsmlc]

love the insight purgatory...

for me, going to that Essential Experience workshop I mentioned (hate to sound like an Amways salesperson so I won't go on about it here)

helped me to forgive myself and to really see me for who I am and to know that hey, I'm still lovable!

I'm NOT like a rotten onion, buried beneath the layers that I show others, deep down inside is a monster- Not so.

I'm me, with all my qualities and flaws.

My point here is that once I truly came to know who I was, AND that I was STILL loved-

then I was much more able to apologize and admit errors. This comes from within us, not from others.

If we don't know that we'll be forgiven b/c we don't forgive ourselves,

it's utterly terrifying to see that we've screwed up.

B/C We fear We'll be abandoned if we admit errors, so God forbid we admit it!
Better to fight it out and hope to make up for it later (sounds insane when you write it down, but it's often what we end up doing.)

We assume we'll be tossed to the curb b/c our inner unworthiness has been discovered. But once we come to accept our flaws and foibles and our grace and gifts we offer

we can say "Oh sorry I really dropped the ball" or "Can't believe I did that and am so sorry I hurt you"

and keep going. B/C we know even w/all our mistakes, we still bring a lot to the table. We are lovable and loving people, with flaws.


It is much harder if you never saw forgiveness growing up (and I sure didn't).


My parents fought like heck and no one apologized-they'd escalate and retreat

and h's family was like that too. (Worse actually-repression, festering wounds, then insane angry blow ups and no one could see them coming. My family was certainly "Not repressed")

But on his death bed, my dad had a lot of regrets. And he did a lot of reaching out and apologizing that I know was heartfelt.

Truly letting the pain of our childhood was incredibly freeing. I had worked on forgiving my dad for awhile but then he was terminally ill (died in 7 weeks) and

When my father asked for me to forgive him, I really did do it...

and Purg, it was the probably the holiest moment of my life.

So know yourself, learn to forgive yourself and you'll be much better able to own up to things that belong to you and to drop those that don't. Not your job to make sure your h fixes himself or cleans up HIS sandbox. Stay in yours...and keep growing.