Trusting, My personal opiniion is that whether they know how we feel or not, they could care less...when I asked my xh (at the time still married), how would he feel if I had done to him what he had done to me. His answer, "I wouldn't like it". Their empathy chip is damaged to the point that they do not care about anyone else but themselves.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Well my ex certainly does not care about anyone but himself. He is very superficial and plastic. It is all about how his outer image looks and not his inner self. When he was a teen, he was the same way. The man I married was not close to this. He was humble and authentic. It so hurts me that the kids and I were so disposable. Boy, I hope I snap out of this funk.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
Maybe it is something in the air. I am in a funk, too. Maybe we should get little masks like you wear so you don't spread germs, paint little fake smiles on them and wear them around 'til we can really smile?
Imagine walking down the street like that!
I am starting to believe I married a fake person and now the real person is showing. And I get that disposable feeling.
You know you are a good, kind person. So just know you are not disposable, and he knows it!
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
I was doing so good until recently. I admire your humor in your sitch. You are amazing.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
Trusting, First, be kind to yourself. Of course it is painful. My X told me he was engaged and OW was posting pics of herself in wedding dresses. It hurt, yes.
A lot of time has gone by now. I think I would still feel somewhat sad if he said he was engaged to New Woman, but at least it wouldn't be OW.
But I guess I wonder what you hope to accomplish by saying this. I just felt that if I said something to X about engagement, I would be nothing but disappointed and hurt again, and if he is loo-loo enough to get engaged, chances are he would just rebuff you again.
Trusting, you always have come off as a good-hearted person and you have always been a friendly voice on this board. Your situation is tough. Personally, I would advise you against saying anything to him. He doesn't sound as if he is ready to hear it.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
You are absolutely right you did marry a fake person. You married the person your husband had chosen to be to deal with his childhood hurts. He probably split off the really painful stuff, things done to him or not done for him, and the stuff he did to and put that in a distant place, trying not to remember but you cannot of course ever forget.
4 years ago, without any real understanding of this, when I got the bomb something made me say 'xxxxx when did you decide to become who you are now?'
2 weeks ago she had some very tough love from my son, who told her some pretty hard hitting truths about her behaviour. I think she now for the first time sees her accountability. He let her know she is not the victim as far as her family is concerned. He showed her how she hurt him and it sunk home. He is more of a man than I will ever be.
My W is moving through her crisis, I think in the last few days she is attempting a form of reconnection. The person I see now is not the aloof fiercely independent 'f... You I don't need anybody' of old but someone looking more vulnerable. More humble? More human with human frailties And more appealing. Why? I don't know but perhaps if she is in touch with her feelings for the first time she may actually be in touch with some of mine.
I honestly believe she has suffered more hurt in her life than one person deserves, no matter what she has done to me. I must stay detached and accept whatever she decides. I think I have achieved true detachment for the very first time. I know I love her and it is true if you love them you must let them go.
Hearts Blessing is right MLC is a parallel journey I have learnt many many lessons about life and about me. If we do not reconnect, I know if there is a next time with someone else it will be better thanks to my W and the lessons she made me learn!
Forward, Thank you for your kind words. I can't believe OW in your sitch posted pictures of her in a wedding dress. After much thought, I am not going to contact ex. I don't think it would be wise. It would put us right back in the same dysfunctional communication pattern where ex has control over my emotions and needs. I am working on better detachment techniques and focusing on the present rather than the past. Thank you for being such a good friend.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
Yes Wen, I am so working on getting back to where I was. I hope you are doing ok.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
