Too Little Too Late.... part 7

[purgatory]

" I just have a hard time balancing what I need to own and what is also not my fault."

This ^^^^ has been my struggle too (well, one of MANY struggles!) In the beginning, I was completely prepared to take ALL the responsibility for my H leaving. Over time, I've come to see that H was not perfect and he has responsibilities to accept too- which I don't see him doing any time soon. I would say that out of our 9 years together, I was rotten to him for 5 of those years- more than half, which I feel awful about. I'm not proud of my behavior and I've worked really hard to forgive myself and accept what H's definition of my behavior is to him. {through my therapy, I've accepted that it doesn't matter what *I* think happened in our past, since H is the one who left and gave reasons for leaving- *his* version of our past is what is reality for him, and it's those memories (that reality) that are causing him to want out... so *those* are the memories that I have to DB against.}

I'm at the point now where I fluctuate between the two. Some days, I am very forgiving of myself and feel good knowing that I've come a long way, and I like who I am becoming, BUT H has to be willing to do his part too.... then other days, I feel so much regret for all the things I put him through and I can understand why he wants out b/c he tried for all those years to not give up on me.. but I failed him every time. My H *did* try to tell me that he wasn't happy- although it never came until he had reached his breaking point, so he was more angry than I realized. The pattern became: he would tell me that he wasn't happy with our M, I would do a few things to make life better, it would only last a week or two... then it would build up and start over again. Over the years, my H stopped telling me because he had learned that it wouldn't do any good. I struggle with how do I apologize to him for so many years of neglect? Is that ever forgivable?

The thing I have a hard time accepting (and it makes me very sad) is that I never had the strength to take his pain to heart and do "the really hard work" to permanently fix the problems. I had the mindset that *I* had a right to express my anger in whatever way I wanted to, and if he couldn't deal with it- than he could leave (really selfish and conceited, huh?!) In my therapy, I've learned what things in my past and life experiences that didn't allow me to be vulnerable and admit that *I* was in the wrong. All I can do now is move forward in this "new self awareness" body and mind.... and hope that it's enough to allow him to love and trust me again.