My Sitch/any better ideas than going dark?

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks again Kaffe,

And to feedback on some of your other points, I have definitely found that patience is going to have to be a key part of this entire exercise----. it expires in February, I honestly felt that some time together during the holidays would help us out. I think it did given the fact we were intimate on multiple occasions and also given what she said during the holidays. And my saying the 50B order is a joke probably isn’t the best way to put it. I guess the way I look at it is, I had my stepkids the night before/morning she issued the 50B. I didn’t threaten her or say anything remotely hostile to her after finding out about the affair. I said that we could work through this, that I forgave her and please find it in her heart to stop the behavior and allow us to work on our marriage.


based on numerous comments you make elsewhere, its clear you have Not forgiven her. Words are meaningless, actions are all that matters. Don't keep bringing OM up.

If you know you won't get past it without an "apology" from her, when she probably feels you pushed her into his arms in the first place,

why bother with all this effort? Without you letting go of OM and moving forward this is all fruitless.



She---- I agree with your opinion that I need to respect the opinion of my wife, but

when I see the word "BUT" after a concession, it negates it. It counters it. So there is no concession or agreement by you. = So you are NOT respecting her opinion and reading the whole paragraph proves it. You think she's dead wrong to have said she feared you and you are not interested in exploring whether that is true AND if so why it might be.


she and I both know she has never had any reason to be fearful of me, perhaps of my mouth on occasion, but never by me physically. She even went to DA to try to get the charges of my violating the order dropped, but unfortunately the DA wouldn’t budge on the charges. Everything will be dropped after I complete these classes and the 1 year anniversary of the charges comes around (December 2012).

So I actually had class today and we had some worthwhile dialogue, there is no question that this class is going to help me out. One of the things we spoke about was owning up to your actions and apologizing, which I have done with her many times over and have been doing for many months. In spite of all of my apologies and nice things I have done for her and her kids, she has never provided an ioto of remorse for her elicit affair. It’s going to be hard for me to find closure to this one way or the other until she apologizes I think.

this^^^ is you keeping score. Scorekeeping ends many many marriages.

You tend to inflate your "nice things" beyond what she sees. I do not believe gifts mean as much to her as you believe they do but it's clearly how YOU express your love. Stop assuming it's how she receives it.


And in truth if you realized she has her own scorecard and on that card, YOU are not ahead, you'd see how important it is to stop measuring.

The mean comments or what you describe as "verbal abuse" does much more damage than you seem aware of. To me, it's the biggest reason for you being here.

You don't measure things with the same "barometer" so you will never see things identically OR agree on the marital history.

I also struggled w/that concept b/c I had a long list of "grievances" w/my h that I felt were points on my side. I wanted him to agree with my version of our past.

That doesn't happen when witnesses see the same car accident, let alone when emotions are running high and it's a marital history. AND

It just kept me from finding solutions and changes to make in me.



I also think that she likely has a lot of pent up guilt and feels bad about everything that she has put me through over the last 5 months, and I think that is probably hurting our relationship.

this is major mind reading here^^^^ AND imo, projecting your feelings onto her.

Dig way deeper into You.


I am hopeful that she will come to grips with all of that, understand that I have already forgiven her, and just want the chance for us to at least consider starting over at some point.


but you have not forgiven her. See your above comment about not having closure unless she shows remorse and apologizes...

how did you show remorse w/your previous wives when you hurt or betrayed them? Are you expecting more from her than you gave your previous w's?

As far as remorse I have told her the way I handled the entire situation was wrong. Even though her elicit affair was wrong, it was wrong for me to step and try to control the situation.


so what is the score now? See how useless this frame of reference is?


That sounds extremely stupid for me to say as any man in his right mind is going to fight for his wife and his marriage if he truly loves her, which was what I did. This other man was a new cancer to my attempts at reconcile and I wanted it cut out, and I was eventually successful. But given where we are now and what she has said, I honestly think if I would have let it run it’s course, she would have wanted me to come back to our marital home a long time ago. Now she’s in another house and I have the marital home on the rental market praying for a tenant… IF she will ever open her heart again, I think we will be in a good place to try and work on things, hopefully together.


I hope she does. I hope that when she looks your way, you will have done the work YOU need to do on you, so you are truly ready to be in the healthy marriage you want.


On your other point, I know she won’t use the 50B as leverage, as although she may be manipulative she is not that cold. The things I did over the holidays were out of the goodness of my heart, she never asked for anything at all, suggested I didn’t get them gifts etc.

based on the score keeping comments (about how nice you have been and how giving, yet w/o payback) I feel as if you do attach expectations to the gifts. That won't help you or the cause.


The fact of the matter is their Christmas was more enjoyable which was why I did what I did. We would probably be talking now if I did have my minor case of diarrhea of the mouth last week. So in short, as far as the 50B is concerned, it expires the day before Valentines. I have no intention of communicating with her before then, nor on Valentines day for that matter to try and prove the point that I am moving on with my life. It sounds as if you think the children are ours when they are all three her children, I hope that I again get the opportunity to be a better stepfather to them, but the 50B kind of took that out of play for now, although I did take them to a hoops game a couple of weeks ago. -- I love and miss them very much as well.

I am done pursuing, I am done giving gifts, I am done doing anything except abiding by the 37 rules and working my LRT. I am looking forward to her reaction when she contacts me and I don’t respond.

????

You mention what a better future means to me and what I said holds true, I think with each passing day that is going to be subject to change. On Mondays when I have to leave work early, drive an hour round trip and sit in a domestic violence class for an hour and half, my opinion may lean toward “after all I have done for her, and I look at what she has done for me, why in my right mind would I want to reconcile”.

I am amazed that you are still NOT owning any of this for real. If I were in a domestic violence class for that long, I'd sure as heck ask myself what I DID to get myself there.

The blame game is preventing growth and progress in you.


But the bottom line is that I love the woman with all of my heart. That is why I started fighting in the first place. My life would be exponentially easier if I didn’t, if we reconcile I will be the one helping raise two other people’s children through their teenage years, and I will be the one helping put them through college, and helping them though any of lifes struggles. I would do this because I love them and her, they have got a raw deal in life through no fault of their own, and I hate that is the case. When I write about them it sounds negative and I am not trying to sound that way.


yes it sounds negative, as if you see yourself as a martyr and excellent or self proclaimed "dream h"....

So I'm tempted as a mother to say, "don't bother 'rescuing' my kids if it's such a big drag on your great life"...and that is simply my gut reaction speaking but it might be hers too.


The fact of the matter is that I have options, one to be the husband, stepfather, spiritual leader and family man that I know that I can be, and roll with the pluses and minus that ride with that. Alternatively I can be a successful 38 year old single guy who is pretty damaged that has some bruises and cuts to heal, but that really would not have too many cares in the world and could jump a plane to tahiti at a moments notice. . I have never had issues finding female companionship so that isn’t a point of concern.


Finding women isn't your problem, keeping them is.


I am still reeling from the betrayal of being cheated on, that is something that has never happened to me, to my knowledge anyway prior to this incident.

Then you need to work on THIS^^^ issue and learn to let it go (did your first wives let it go? ) Anyhow if you hold onto this "betrayal" much longer - every piece of "effort" is wasted b/c w/o letting this go

you won't reconcile and last. And you will just prolong this. Lose the scorecard and let the A go..

Be a man only a fool would leave.

At this point I am not ready to give up and my goal is to hopefully eventually be able to start working with my wife on our relationship, and see where it leads. I have hope but no expectations, as given her behavior it would be stuipid to have any expectations at all.
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Thanks again Kaffe you are the best! I have been following your posts and you always have great advice. It also sounds like your sitch is in a relatively stable place I hope that continues and you are able to build upon that. Thanks again for your help!