My story, need help before I mess everything up.

[Denton]

The straight up response to your post above is that it's shown you haven't learned much. Just being honest.

I have learnt, I'm just struggling to put it into practice, I was better this week in terms of anger management.

I don't think you realize how much you are trying to control your W and tell her how she should be feeling. It's your lack of being able to control her that's making you feel crazy. Here are the examples:

"main sticking point that I feel is stopping us making progress is about the morning in mid December where I gave her the ultimatum of me or Nick."
"however she said it was nothing to do with the ultimatum."

So she says that it has nothing to do with the ultimatum. Why do you keep insisting your POV is right?

She said it was one of the major things that I've done to upset her and she keeps bringing it up more than anything else. Last night was the first time she said it wasn't about the ultimatum but how I scared her and spoke to her like crap and demanded the phone off her.

"I demanded her phone of her so I could check for more text,"
"she said "what gives you the right to demand my phone off me or demand anything for that matter?" I replied with there were extenuating circumstances and I've never demanded anything off her before and in a marriage in very rare circumstances it is alright to demand something"

No it's never alright to demand something from another person. That shows insecurity. I think if you would have started building back the trust between you, you could just ask and she would've given you her phone freely. total buzzkill.

I did ask first of all but she said no. And yes I was completely insecure then but I think anybody would be if they had just found out their W had an affair, doesn't mean to say it's right.

I was so messed up then in the head I really didn't know what I was doing half the time."

You're still acting like that sorry to say.

Agreed, I'm a lot better as everyday goes by and I keep working on detaching.

"how do I get through this when there is no recognition of the good times, empathy towards me, good will on her part and no attempt at any kind of forgiveness?"

Again you are making it all about you and when do you get something back.

Yeah. I see you are right, I guess I want the above to make it easier. It is different than my other post when I wanted my needs met but I can see again it's about me.

Deal with meeting her needs even if it means shutting up for a little bit and listening AND accepting that this is where she is right now. In order for your sitch to change, someone has to change first.

I'm trying to meet her needs and have changed SO much I just am a little frustrated with myself as I feel last night was a bit of a set back and we had been making reasonable progress throughout the week.

"I apologised before but I can't see (and I really have tried to see) why shes still angry 2 months later"

See? Again, YOU can't see, etc. You're not her. She's still angry for whatever reason. Could be because of you, could be because of her shame, etc. But bottom line is that you don't know.

This is one of those situations isn't it where the best chance of fixing it is to stop trying to fix it.

Try starting off with a fresh mindset. As if she was someone whom you met for the first time. Would you have expectations of how they act? Would you be analyzing every move they make or would you just accept them for the way they are currently? That's the way you've got to start off in order for her to feel safe. She really feels like she's being judged by you. You can argue to the contrary, but it leaks out in your posts. That's where the control issue comes in.

Genius advice! I see that now, she does think I'm judging her all the time, looking for faults etc, not so much now but in the past. She keeps accusing me of looking at the living room when I walk in now and shaking my head as though I am upset it's a mess. But I can't see it as she accused me again yesterday but I was very concious of it and kept my head very straight and I know I didn't shake my head. One of us is going slightly mad and I've got no idea if it's me, her or probably both of us.