Too Little Too Late.... part 7

[25yearsmlc]

here it is...(& btw purg-you are doing very well- i know you can't always see it, but it's true)



FROM A WAW TO A LBS HUSBAND WHO HAS CHANGED AND WONDERS WHY HIS WAW HAS NOT COME HOME YET AND HOW SHE CAN BE AT ALL INTERESTED IN OM….

When I read your interactions with your wife, I could so easily identify with your wife's feelings/words/sentiments. I have been in her position in my M.

I was the ignored, the devalued, the one who was treated as less than. I even got chills when she talked about the FB issues, because I've been there and done that, bought the t-shirt Of course, my H went a step further and cheated, then left, adding an extra crunchy layer of goodness to my sitch.

One of the things that I have tried my hardest not to do, is not to engage with another man. Not just because of my marriage vows, but because I knew that when I truly engaged in any type of R with another man, it would make it that much harder to ever reconcile with my H.

Because being treated differently (better) than the way he treated me would lessen him so much in my eyes. So, I can see where your W is coming from.

When you've been mistreated to the point where you actually let go of your R enough to let another person into your heart or bed or whatever, it takes a boatload of work to get back on a page where you're recommitted to being with your Spouse - and those uncertainties that she's expressed to you, I don't know if you truly, truly fathom how deep they run.

Six months of getting back on a page where you treat her the way that any wife should be treated does not even scratch the surface of the years, the intrinsic devaluing that occurs when you're systematically mistreated for such a stretch of time.

And I promise you that while you have recommitted and worked for 6 months, your W has simply been trying to get to a point where she can even buy into the changes, where she can even think that you might have changed and not scoff at the thought.

Because when you build up hope again and again and again in your H and he crushes it again and again and again, you develop a thick skin, a protective doubt, a conditioned response to even the slightest, grainiest seed of hope.

You are taught that when you hope, you will be disappointed. When you try, you will fail. You are taught that you will never be what he wants and it is hard to shake what you have come to believe is reality.

And for the changes that you've made to have come only when she walked away and OM became competition, I can definitely see how she can doubly doubt that you truly want to be in a M with her, and not just to win.

Even you today say that you are not sure that you don't just want to win.

Step 1 - figure that sh!t out ASAP. Because if you actually do manage to convince her that you really do want her and really have recommitted to her and you actually just want to win, you'll put her through hell.
______________

[purgatory]

Thanks so much 25!!!!
(and thanks for your encouragement too)

[BklynMom]

f""Six months of getting back on a page where you treat her the way that any wife should be treated does not even scratch the surface of the years, the intrinsic devaluing that occurs when you're systematically mistreated for such a stretch of time. """

I am not buying this right now. For me I did mistreat my H, but not 100% of the time. Maybe only 15% of the time. He took a vow to speak up if he was hurt; to be honest with me, not to just walk out the door.

Loved the rest of the piece. I just have a hard time balancing what I need to own and what is also not my fault.

[purgatory]

" I just have a hard time balancing what I need to own and what is also not my fault."

This ^^^^ has been my struggle too (well, one of MANY struggles!) In the beginning, I was completely prepared to take ALL the responsibility for my H leaving. Over time, I've come to see that H was not perfect and he has responsibilities to accept too- which I don't see him doing any time soon. I would say that out of our 9 years together, I was rotten to him for 5 of those years- more than half, which I feel awful about. I'm not proud of my behavior and I've worked really hard to forgive myself and accept what H's definition of my behavior is to him. {through my therapy, I've accepted that it doesn't matter what *I* think happened in our past, since H is the one who left and gave reasons for leaving- *his* version of our past is what is reality for him, and it's those memories (that reality) that are causing him to want out... so *those* are the memories that I have to DB against.}

I'm at the point now where I fluctuate between the two. Some days, I am very forgiving of myself and feel good knowing that I've come a long way, and I like who I am becoming, BUT H has to be willing to do his part too.... then other days, I feel so much regret for all the things I put him through and I can understand why he wants out b/c he tried for all those years to not give up on me.. but I failed him every time. My H *did* try to tell me that he wasn't happy- although it never came until he had reached his breaking point, so he was more angry than I realized. The pattern became: he would tell me that he wasn't happy with our M, I would do a few things to make life better, it would only last a week or two... then it would build up and start over again. Over the years, my H stopped telling me because he had learned that it wouldn't do any good. I struggle with how do I apologize to him for so many years of neglect? Is that ever forgivable?

The thing I have a hard time accepting (and it makes me very sad) is that I never had the strength to take his pain to heart and do "the really hard work" to permanently fix the problems. I had the mindset that *I* had a right to express my anger in whatever way I wanted to, and if he couldn't deal with it- than he could leave (really selfish and conceited, huh?!) In my therapy, I've learned what things in my past and life experiences that didn't allow me to be vulnerable and admit that *I* was in the wrong. All I can do now is move forward in this "new self awareness" body and mind.... and hope that it's enough to allow him to love and trust me again.

[mr mr]

Wow Purg, this is great work you've done here. You've come a long way and you should be proud...not complacent as someone who has arrived,but proud to be headed in the right direction. Keep up the good work!

[25yearsmlc]

love the insight purgatory...

for me, going to that Essential Experience workshop I mentioned (hate to sound like an Amways salesperson so I won't go on about it here)

helped me to forgive myself and to really see me for who I am and to know that hey, I'm still lovable!

I'm NOT like a rotten onion, buried beneath the layers that I show others, deep down inside is a monster- Not so.

I'm me, with all my qualities and flaws.

My point here is that once I truly came to know who I was, AND that I was STILL loved-

then I was much more able to apologize and admit errors. This comes from within us, not from others.

If we don't know that we'll be forgiven b/c we don't forgive ourselves,

it's utterly terrifying to see that we've screwed up.

B/C We fear We'll be abandoned if we admit errors, so God forbid we admit it!
Better to fight it out and hope to make up for it later (sounds insane when you write it down, but it's often what we end up doing.)

We assume we'll be tossed to the curb b/c our inner unworthiness has been discovered. But once we come to accept our flaws and foibles and our grace and gifts we offer

we can say "Oh sorry I really dropped the ball" or "Can't believe I did that and am so sorry I hurt you"

and keep going. B/C we know even w/all our mistakes, we still bring a lot to the table. We are lovable and loving people, with flaws.


It is much harder if you never saw forgiveness growing up (and I sure didn't).


My parents fought like heck and no one apologized-they'd escalate and retreat

and h's family was like that too. (Worse actually-repression, festering wounds, then insane angry blow ups and no one could see them coming. My family was certainly "Not repressed")

But on his death bed, my dad had a lot of regrets. And he did a lot of reaching out and apologizing that I know was heartfelt.

Truly letting the pain of our childhood was incredibly freeing. I had worked on forgiving my dad for awhile but then he was terminally ill (died in 7 weeks) and

When my father asked for me to forgive him, I really did do it...

and Purg, it was the probably the holiest moment of my life.

So know yourself, learn to forgive yourself and you'll be much better able to own up to things that belong to you and to drop those that don't. Not your job to make sure your h fixes himself or cleans up HIS sandbox. Stay in yours...and keep growing.

[BFloat]

Purg,

very profound thoughts. I was especially touched by your comment of H's reality and that is what you were DBing against. It is so easy to focus on what we perceive when that really doesn't matter. Well.. It does but you know what I mean!

I also know what you mean about changing the way you look too much.. Because then it becomes inauthentic. I am that same way. I don't mind trying out a nail polish colour but I am so not a manicured nails kind of girl and doing so wouldn't be true to who I am. Changing up my style.. That I can do!

You are doing so awesome. I admire how much you have learned and grown.

((((purg))))

[purgatory]

I came here to cry, and I find some encouraging words from MrMr and 25.... I really needed that.

Can't type to much between the sobs.... it's just one of those nights.

H came by because he forgot some things- and I saw the angry 'shark eyes' again and the emptiness in him. He moved around the house quickly gathering his things. He stopped and asked me if I had thought more about what we talked about yesterday (in regards to the separation papers) and I told him that I hadn't. I asked if there was a deadline that I wasn't aware of, and he told me he had expected to send our papers to his L tomorrow so they could be drafted since "that's all we're waiting on." I reminded him that there were a few issues that needed to be determined before a final draft could be done. He just stared at me and then walked out the door.

I lost it. Not sure why this ^^^ conversation brought me to my knees, since I've had worse talks with him. I had the ugly cry take over.

I tried a shower to wash it all away- still crying an hour later. (I actually had a hard time catching my breath and was getting dizzy- a side effect of my heart issues- and I got scared that something like this could happen, and no one is here to help me if it got worse.... so I called a friend- and babbled over the phone.

So now, I will be puffy at my first day on the job- great

Still don't know why it all hit me again tonight when Iv'e been in such a better place lately. It kills me to see his eagerness and determination to get this over with. I don't want to make him more angry by delaying it as long as I can... I really don't want to sign anything before he leaves for AFG in July, but I know that would enrage him.

I'm going to drown myself in a quart of ben and jerry's.

[RoRoinMD]

Awww (((Purg))) - I have no words of advice except to keep doing what you're doing.

[BFloat]

Pass the ice cream. I had a cry today too

((((( purg )))))

please try not to do the ugly cry. Makes me worried reading about your dizziness and difficulty breathing.

Try not to let this get you off course. It is merely an obstacle and there is a solution for getting through it. We just need to figure out what it is.