Hi, bit of an update, I haven't posted for a few days as I've been reading lots and nothing has really happened.
Our Sunday night chat about our R happened as usual last night and it didn't go particularly well. I didn't get angry but I did get a bit upset and frustrated however I mostly hid that using excuses to leave the room.
The main sticking point that I feel is stopping us making progress is about the morning in mid December where I gave her the ultimatum of me or Nick. I really did shout at her and is the only time in my life that I remember ever shouting at her, she said last night that it made her scared and she also said last night about it upsetting the kids, however she said it was nothing to do with the ultimatum. The other part of that morning was I demanded her phone of her so I could check for more text, this has also severly annoyed her and she said "what gives you the right to demand my phone off me or demand anything for that matter?" I replied with there were extenuating circumstances and I've never demanded anything off her before and in a marriage in very rare circumstances it is alright to demand something and that works both ways. I've said to her previously that I was sorry for shouting at her and I was sorry for making her feel scared and if I could go back I would of handled the situation differently but I was so messed up then in the head I really didn't know what I was doing half the time.
I don't know how to move on from that, that happened over 2 months ago and she is still mightly angry about it and sometimes it feels likes shes more angry. I said to her last night that I felt she was being unreasonable about it, because I from the beginning have been trying to forgive her EA and took no notice of her threats to kill me (that was said on that morning and I never took it seriously). She obviously disagreed with that and I don't know if I should of said that or not as I really am trying to empathise with her which is why I apologised before but I can't see (and I really have tried to see) why shes still angry 2 months later and shows no sign of calming down, it feels like shes hanging on to it for all shes got but for what reason I'm not sure.
The other thing I asked her is if she felt the same way about her 'friendship' with Nick yet, she said she saw it as just good close friends and thats it. So basically shes still minimising it and just can't see it for what it was.
I do believe shes feeling incredibly guilty about the whole thing and shes really struggling with the guilt as she has admitted to me more than that before and she admitted that she stopped texting him in that way because it was wrong.
I've also been reading up about affairs/mid life crisis and how 1 Spouse basically demonises their partner and can only see all the bad things they've done and none of the good things. I feel very strongly this has happened here, I'm not saying I've been perfect and every thing that she has said I am working on but how do I get through this when there is no recognition of the good times, empathy towards me, good will on her part and no attempt at any kind of forgiveness?
The other thing she said last night was about me being controlling - she actually came up with an example for the first time (apart from the demanding the phone thing- which I know and agree was controlling) which was that she always felt like she had to ask permission to go out. I said I've never asked her to ask permission before and I've always took it as common courtesy when she asks, just like I asked her permission if I wanted to go out but according to her because I made her feel that way I was controlling. I see what shes saying and I told her that but I always saw it as politeness.
She seems to be in a very negative mindset at the moment about me and her work and I guess life in general, shes mostly stopped trying to be independent so much and has calmed down from that, it feels like she is slipping deeper into depression.
