Don't know which way to turn...

[Dazed11]

Cadet, thanks for the links...did a lot of reading over the weekend. Now I need to start incorporating the new info into my actions...

Just a quick update... not much new from the W, still cold and distant. On Friday night we were discussing some things (she started the convo) and she brought up one of the 180s I've been working on and she said, "Why do you do this now when you haven't done it for 10 years?" I completely disagreed with her perception of the last 10 years, but I kept my thoughts to myself (old me was often more interested in being right than understanding why she felt/perceived the way she did). I said that since she dropped the bomb, I have done a lot of reflecting on what she said when she dropped the bomb and I'm read a lot and realized the mistakes (more of omission than commission, but mistakes still the same) and I am working to change. Everyday I am trying to be a better person, better father, and better husband than I was the day before. She said she just doesn't understand me anymore. I told her it was a learning process for both of us...she changed/grew over the years and I didn't grow with her. Now I'm changing and growing and in time she will see and understand the changes I've made.

Normally when we sleep, I have my arm on/around her. That night when I put my arm around her, my hand happened to be where her hand was. I gently held her hand (more of just resting my hand on top of hers). A few minutes later I had to adjust my pillow, so I moved my hand and she squeezed my hand. After I fixed my pillow I put my hand back on hers and she squeezed it again.

In the month since the bomb drop, in all the times she's hugged/kissed me, I think that hand squeeze was the first real (positive), honest emotion she has showed.

Unfortunately, that didn't result in any momentum or improved demeanor from her the following day.

It's only been 1 month since the bomb, and I keep telling myself this is a marathon, not a sprint and I need to settle into a nice rhythm and speed because it's going to take awhile.

She had a nice GAL day Sat and I did on Sun, though I cut it shorter than I had planned because the W and younger son were both sick, so I got home earlier to help take care of the kid so she could rest.