Too Little Too Late.... part 7

[BFloat]

Wavy red hair is sexy! Maybe new lip colour? That can also really change up a look. YouTube is great for learning new makeup tricks and hair styles!!

That's all I got. Thrift shops are my new interest as well! Have to do things on the cheap! . We should start a list of ideas for inexpensive GAL activities and also fun stuff to do w/ the kids!

Hope you have a good week!

[keep_going]

Purg,

You touched on two things I totally empathize with.

I'm still upset/hurt by our paper conversation, partly because it means he's still researching and going forward with the separation. He even decided on a L while I was away. When we get into these discussions, I feel like I walk a fine line between sticking up for myself, and not making him too mad. I hope that he respects the fact that I'm not just going to roll over and take whatever he feels is fair, but I also don't want him to think that I"m being stubborn and bull headed (like I used to be in our M.) I knew this was probably going to happen, but every time that is confirmed, it still hurts.

My conv. with H about the separation and hiring a L went aweful. I wanted not to make him mad, but what he offered is flat out insulting. Yet, I didn't fight - I didn't want him to think I was still the old me - argumentative, stubborn, etc. Even though I was calm and validated, he was furious because I didn't want to do mediation and had decided to hire a L and ended up really upset at me and saying some very nasty things in reference to the old me and how my behavior is to be expected. I read somewhere (I believe in the divorced forum) that there is no way to DB when negotiating the S or D. Great...

If things were still good with us, using my 'new improved purg' ways. I would have let him cry about his dog if he wanted to, I would have hugged and kissed him to help make him feel better; who knows, it could have ended up going somewhere....
But being this 'new purg' and having H not want anything to do with me, I'm left knowing that he's hurting, I can't comfort him, and he thinks that I'm the same old purg.... the one who never tried to make him feel better and he always felt like he couldn't share feelings with me.

How do I bridge *that* assumption gap??

I know exactly what you mean!!! I feel so helpless when this happens - he is so detached that there is no way for him to see the changes in me, and I just end up being even more detached and apart from him because I cannot comfort him. So where does he go? To OW - who has every opportunity to be the supportive, loving and affectionate one for him - which is exactly what was missin in our M. I feel like I just cannot compete.

[Oneeleven]

This rainy weather is putting a damper on the litte PMA I had....

I got a job. Not enough money, but I'm approaching it as mearly a stepping stone to the next one and I can use this money to pay for my classes. I start next week... Really not sure how I feel about it, but at least my kids will still be with me (I'll be the director of a preschool.)

Yay!!!!

I calle H and got a less than enthusiastic "good job." I let him know we were having sloppy joes (S6's request) and that he was welcome to join us. H did come home, but ate separately from me and the boys. He gave the baby a bath-and expressed concerned about his bloated belly (I've been trying to tell H that the baby hasn't been feeling good- including waking up at 2am screaming and pulling up his legs.... We never went back to sleep.) H said that he meet had a problem in the 2 weeks I was gone (is he implying that *I* did something?!) I went to the pharmacy and got the Gripe water... As soon as I got back, H gathered his things and left.

He had beer in his hands, so I jokingly said: "planning a fun night,huh?" He reminded me that tomorrow is a federal holiday, so he didn't need to wake early. He also said he will be drinking with [friend] and will just crash at his place. I told him that I don't care where he goes, I just wantto know that he's safe. He grinned and left.

'scuse me for saying so but he's kinda being a bit of an A-hole.

H has definitely avoided me like the plague this weekend. I realize that I had let my hopes get up since he's cut off OW contact, it's my own fault that I'm upset. I can't help but think that he will feel more attracted to her simply because he 'can't have her' right now. He didn't cut of contact because he *wanted* to, but because he was threatened... Now she'll become the 'fantasy life' that he'll mourn for.

A bet a certain amount of it is he prob feels like a dumb-a$$ for putting himself in this position. It's almost like he is hearing the 'I told you so comments' from himself.



ICK! I just realized that I will see her this weekend at her D16's (my goddaughter) talent show [look for her next year on American Idol!] I haven't seen D16 since before X-Mas and haven't seen OW since early January. Is it VA of me to want to look incredibly hot to make her feel guilty/jealous?? It has made me feel better that friends and family (and friends of friends who don't know me or H) have looked at her FB page and the statements usually go something like this: "really?! I don't see it. He's not getting an upgrade."

I don't understand the FB comment?
Uuuggggghhhhhh! It's just one of *those* nights

[purgatory]

BF: I kinda like my new hair too, and I've gotten tons of compliments in the color (people often ask me who my colorist is, and are surprised when I tell them it's natural.) The ironic thing is: I was the first *blonde* that H had ever dated... And now I end up a darker color anyways! I don't like feeling so superficial, trying to change hair and make-up styles.
I could really benefit from a list of cheap, kid friendly GAL activities! I only have a few ideas, but maybe we should start a thread for everyone to contribute.

KG- I'm sorry you've experienced the same issues, but im comforted to know im not the only one. It is no fun dealing with the confusion, frustration and sadness all at the same time.

===========
There is no school today and it's drizzly and cold outside- so I've got to put on my creative hat and come up with some way to keep S6 entertained (and not get on my nerves when he complains about being 'bored'!!) the sad thing is that H also doesn't have work today, but he hasn't mentioned anything about doing something with the kids (probably b/c he feels that he's had plenty of time with them over the last 2 weeks.) S6 told me he misses daddy this morning

[Jenna333]

My S4 often says he misses daddy Of course it's different now, but while we were still split it was so hard to hear and not be able to say, "I do, too."

Hope you find something fun to do with the kids today We're about to go swimming. Unfortunately I have school tonight.

[purgatory]

Journal:

H was just here making his food for the week. A small change: he called to ask if it was a good time to come over.

He didn't say anything to me, almost like he didn't even see me. He mumbled and fussed to himself while he fumbled around in the kitchen- complained about the tupperware cabinet (I hope everyone else's get as cluttered as mine) and how the lids don't match the tubs {I was thinking to myself that *HE'S* the only one who ever takes them out of the house, so most likely the blame falls on him for things being mismatched}, he complained about the pots/pans cabinet and how "there's too much sh!t in here".... He seemed to be overreacting to these things that used to not bother him.

Makes me wonder what's going on in his head. I can't help but feel that he's angry/frustrated that I'm around again since I've been gone for 2 weeks and he's had free rein of the house.

I excused myself upstairs to fold some laundry. I heard him continue to make noise downstairs and talking to himself. He came up later to get a handful of clothes (he grabbed enough that it seemed he's not planning on coming back here for a few days) He announced that he was leaving as he passed by my door and walked down the stairs and then he was gone.

I lost it. Started crying like a baby.

Why is it that sometimes I can handle his detached behavior, and other times it gets to me??

S6 is playing at a friend's house and the baby was taking a nap- so they won't get to see H until he comes here Wednesday night. My heart breaks for them- as much as I feel like a victim of this sitch, nothing compares to the pain and confusion that it's bringing to my sweet boys.... great, more tears.

[Rick1963]

(((Purg))) I know how hard this is. Sometimes I think my W is going to ask me to leave because it is so uncomfortable. My W is doing weird stuff too, like obsessing over the kitchen, she wipes down the counter over and over. I also have heard her mumbled stuff but don't understand what she is saying. Once you are not hurt by what they do or don't do, you have detached.

But now cry and let those emotions out.

[mimivac]

Oh, I know just what you mean. It's hard to be strong all the time, especially when our spouse's behavior is so distant and cold. I'm usually strong, too, and then I just lose it. At least you lost it after he left. You're doing really great. The tears are natural. You would have to be a robot not to feel anything. Sigh. This journey isn't easy, is it?

Mimi

[purgatory]

Thanks Rick and Mimi

Rick, it's nice to know that my H isn't the only one who mumbles to himself... He's never done this before so there's no predecident for what I should do when he's like this. Unfortunately, in the past, if I didn't understand what he was going through- and if he didn't directly ask me for help- I would leave him alone until he did ask. H has told me (during the bomb) that he never felt like I cared because I didn't offer any help or comfort.... Fast forward to now, and I can't 180 that past behavior because H doesn't want to open up to me. It's very frustrating!

[purgatory]

Does anyone have that post from a WAW to the LBS about why she left and what the WAS is sometimes feeling??

It was posted to my thread by 25 a LONG time ago, and I haven't had any luck finding it.... I thought I had copied/pasted it to my DB folder, but no such luck

Anyone have it??