My Sitch/any better ideas than going dark?

[Broken74]

Thanks again labug,

My primary concern at this point is saving myself. I take ownership of all of the things that I did that contributed to the downfall of our M, and have learned a lot about myself and my behaviors. Unfortuanately she has failed to do the same, has never given me any type of apology or remorse whatsoever. She hinted at her guilt during our last two meetings but issued no apologies.

So it's 4:40 on my 38th birthday and not a peep from her or any of my stepchildren. From where I sit that is cruel and inhumane, given the things I have done for them to try and make them happy. I did not do any of these things expecting anything in return, but damn how hard would it be to text Happy Birthday???

This is going to help in my totally detaching finally I think. I am getting to the point where I don't care what happens, and I think I will be better off in the long run getting out of this M. People in her family call her the "material girl" and she has played me like a banjo and I have been blinded to this until now because of my unconditional love for her.

So 3 days of no contact, the fact she's not going to acknowledge my birthday says a lot to me...

Have my first Divorce Busting coach session Tuesday afternoon, at this point I'm feeling like chances are I won't need the other two. If that ends up being the case I'll ask the coach if I can donate them for someone here that can actually use them.

Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all I guess...

[Yasu]

Dude, man, sorry, I haven't visited in awhile. It's turned into a bloody snakepit over here.

Why didn't you just go to the craft store and design your own card? That suggestion was not made out of sarcasm, my man. Crippy, with all your money, you could have paid an art teacher to help you after school. Something you have made with your hands may have touched her - since you were bound and determined to do the Valentine's Day.

He's my take, and some will not like it. I think you would be advised to tackle one issue at a time. First of all, you have a lot of issues - but your wife married you, as is. With all due respect to the self-improvement crowd, we are ALL just humble human beings with our baggage, trying to survive, no matter how much you believe you have self improved. That is not to say that a goal throughout your lifetime should be self improvement, it is to say not to jump the gun that ALL are such damaged goods when we find ourselves in this predicament. It is quite possible that the LBS was not so bad, and maybe, even too good. It's also possible that "being," "looking," "living," and "acting" (etc.) like an outstanding spouse and addressing the emotional needs of your fellow spouse to the highest potential humanly possible will never be good enough. Further, it is an obvious conclusion that both partners can contribute to the failure of the marriage. So why must we shove the whole kit-and-kabootle down the one spouse's throat that reaches out to this site (see previous three pages)?

Another thought along these lines. You must consider the delicate psyche of the person that reaches out. Just recently there was an issue with a suicidal post. I will tell you the truth, one response to my thread brought me to such agony, and made me so so sorry that I had reached to this site for help. When I read the post, the exact type of thoughts went though my mind as that of the recent poster I just mentioned. I knew I had to see my doctor, and did. I have held my situation inside my gut for years. I had never written it down in one place before. I was just mortified, this is all I can tell you. And I am fortunate to have excellent medical care - and the wherewithal to know when it's time to go for help. My point is, when one is laying out there backstory, it is naturally going to be lopsided - as it is the perception of a person that has been hurt by another. Again, that does not mean Broken needs to have a 2x4's shoved up his nostrils. His instincts are naturally defensive. Why does he need to get pushed and pushed and pushed?

I applaud your fortitude Mr. Broken, to keep standing in the face of what is referred to here as 2x4's. I found a few to be excessive, and one or two to could possibly contain a bit of anger. I really believe we must treat the individuals that seek assistance with more gentleness.

You cannot keep buying this wife - or anyone else. You already purchased her everything she wants, and that is that. Look how often you bring up the subject of what you have financed!

You know the famous Beatles song, "You Can't Buy Me Love," (even though everyone says it's so). I think this is very important for you to work on. To see your Wife's response to a hand made gift from you, would have been pricelessly informative. Maybe next time.

Broken, you are very important, and it is a special day, indeed! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, AND MANY MORE! Yas


PS Anyway, this is just another member's opinion, have a nice day.

[Yasu]

Listen, man, if you don't use those sessions, please, Pay It Forward! I can certainly use 'em! Happy B-Day Again! Seriously, dude, from the heart. You are not alone! Yas

[Broken74]

Thanks Yas, I really appreciate the kind words my friend. I agree with what you are saying. I actually failed to mention, the bracelet that I gave her I handmade myself and she really appreciated it, so I didn't really go the standard commercial route and somewhat implemented your suggestion. She asked me how I made it and seemed really touched by that item specifically. I appreciate your suggestion as it was well though and against the grain of my prior gift giving. Things were improving until I sent the negative emotionally charged picture late Valentines evening after looking at the affair evidence for a couple of hours... Not a wise move and I haven't spoke to her since.

I appreciate your taking the time to keep up with my sitch Yas, I'm going to check yours out and see if I can provide you any kind words or opinion. I take it easy on my opinions since I know I still don't get this and am such a mess. The only way I've been able to detach is to be angry about my sitch, it's worked for almost 4 days now, but that hasn't kept me from crying every night when I lie in bed alone and can't sleep.

If I don't end up using all my sessions I'll see if I can send them your way man. Thanks again!

[Mach1]

I would say that our W’s apparently have some things in common and don’t have their heads screwed on straight. They didn’t appreciate what they had in their H’s and they made tremendous mistakes. Given what you said it sounds like you are a great H, and I know I was a great H minus my drinking and verbal abuse, and coming up short as a stepfather although I wasn’t even afforded the time to learn the role. I own up to my mistakes and I’m sure you do to. That doesn’t change the fact that I know my wife is making a tremendous mistake and I am certain one day she will realize the same thing. Maybe they are leaving “just because they want to”. Maybe that’s the deal I just can’t see what that should happen to anybody. Given what I was stepping to I certainly was committed, maybe she just wanted the piece of paper so she could make sure to get a nice cut of the assets.

I think we both ended up here for the same reason, that our W’s jumped off the tracks for some reason.

There was a point in time, when I would have agreed with you.

There was a time when I would have been right there with you, high 5's, bichin about them,. and what they did TO us.

Then there became a time, when I started seeing thing in a more clear picture of what was truth, instead of what I WANTED ot hear. What I wanted to hear, was that I was the perfect Husband, and that I did all of these great things. I had people telling me how great I was to her, and that she lost her mind. That was enough for me to stand on my soapbox, and say that she would be sorry one day.

What I NEEDED to hear, was that I wasn't perfect. And that what I had done throughout the length of my marriage was very far from what a perfect Husband was,...

*I took HER dreams, and I made them reality for her

I took her dreams, and I didn't let her work toward them. She never was able to realize her potential because I was in the way of that. I smothered her , so that she became just a part of the marriage instead of an individual. She became my wife, rather than her own personality.

*I gave her everything she could ask for, before she actually asked

This is a severe form of control. I assumed her wants and needs, therefore never allowing her the freedom to make those choices for herself.

*I told her how wonderful she was everyday, and I told her how muched I loved her

The problem was, that I didn't SHOW her how much I loved her. And after time, they just became words. My actions with the other things, became what she felt from me...

*I helped her learn the right way to do almost everything

The only problem is.....that is was MY way, not her way. I forgot that she was a person, entitled to make mistakes, and have her own thoughts on things.

*I kept track of everything, so she wouldn't forget

Including the bad things......Mostly the bad things.....

* I fixed everything , so that it was perfect for her

Once again....

Control
Manipulation
Assuming her thoughts
Assuming her needs
Co-dependancy


That is also what I see in your actions. Right now, your words mean very little to her, because your actions tell a different story.

It is so easy, to sit back and say that we are this, or we are that in any situation. Only you know the truth behind what your actions say.

If you were to be completely honest with yourself, and look at what your actions have said...would your response be different ?

Until you can do that, and really take a hard look at your role in this, things will always be the same. I could envision you being here a few years down the road, asking the same things over again.

I am no longer a victim. I no longer think that my X did these things TO me. I no longer think that she is whacked out, because she left that.

I no longer question her sanity because she wanted to be able to breathe, and think for herself.

The truth may look harsh from us "abusive" Vets here. The problem is, that if more than one sees the same things, and these things anger you. what is the real reason behind the anger ???

Are you angry with the Vets , because we point them out ?

Or at yourself, because there is truth in our words ???

Only you can decide what path you want to take.

And don't take just my word....

Ask some of the ladies here, which "husband" they would choose...

[Broken74]

Hi Mach1,

Thanks again for your input! I think a lot can get lost in the shuffle in these strings. First thing I want to clarify is that nothing anyone has taken the time to write re: my sitch vet or otherwise has angered me in any way. I sincerely appreciate everyone taking the time to do so and have taken something positive from every comment, even if I don't necessarily agree with it.

I still need to fully review your sitch, but I must ask, was your wife unfaithful to you? If mine didn't have an affair and would have just walked away, my attitude toward this would be entirely different.

I am far from the perfect husband, I fully admit that... But have you heard of the 80/20 rule? Where if 80% of the time things are great and 20% of the times are not then you're doing pretty good... Certainly more than 80% of the time I was a good husband to my wife, the handful of drunken episodes were what pushed my W away from me, she will fully attest to this. If I had not went out got drunk and verbally abused her the night she was on business in Minnesota in all likelihood I wouldn't be here now.

So, I can't necessarily agree with all of your points. My wife was free to persue whatever she wanted to persue (career interests/friends/hobbies/etc) with the exception of other men, and of course I had the same freedoms with the exception of other women. Once I busted her affair did I start some controlling behaviors, yes I did, taking her off my credit cards/accounts etc I would have been an idiot not do so. She had no problem running the balances that I was responsible for and eventually ate, despite the fact she was already involved with the other man. She did manage to pay for the match.com account she set up from her own personal account, so I applaud her for that.

You are right it is obvious that my words mean nothing to her. My actions obviously don't mean anything to her either. The good thing is as of this point I honestly don't care. Neither she nor my three stepchildren had the decency to acknowledge my birthday, that is straw that breaks the camels back for me. I am detached now, and am more than not worried about the outcome, my thought process is starting to mirror that of all my friends and family, that my best bet is just to pack up and move on.

I take ownership of the fact that my verbal abuse pushed my wife away and effectively was the straw that broke the camels back for our marriage. She should have handled things differently. If she had walked away that would have been one thing. Instead she chose to enter an adulterous affair with another man, before us legally separating. She conspired with this man to come up with strategies to trick me out of our marital home, and I fell for this. She manipulated me for financial gain (I took all marital debt) and to protect the OM by forcing me to backdate the separation agreement to cover the time of the affair, for fear of further legal problems for me.

I stepped into a situation that not very many men would give any thought to step into... 30 year old woman with three kids, 16, 11, and 7, by two different men, both are deatbeats and no support, and one is in jail for shooting another man in the back, and she was also bankrupt. But she was also the most amazing and beautiful woman that I ever met, so I looked past all of these things...

And then I look at what I have been through in the past year and compare it to what she's been through. My verbal abuse was wrong but THERE IS NO COMPARISON. She physically hit me on multiple occasions when I never touched her, and she verbally abused me as well the difference being I DIDN"T CARE.

Here is the gist of it Mach1:

Despite my alcohol problem and handful of episodes of drunken verbal abuse, when she needed someone the most, I WAS ALWAYS THERE FOR HER AND HER CHILDREN, FROM THE DAY THAT I MET HER IN 2/2009.

When I needed her the most, SHE WALKED AWAY FROM ME, ENTERED AN ADULTEROUS RELATIONSHIP WITH ANOTHER MAN, AND FINANCIALLY RAPED ME ON THE WAY OUT THE DOOR TO BOOT, AND THEN CONTINUED TO MANIPULATE ME FOR FURTHER FINANCIAL GAIN EVEN AFTER THE SEPARATION AGREEMENT WAS SIGNED.

Obviously I still have significant self esteem issues to be wasting another keystroke, brain cell, or breath on this situation. Those amongst other things with myself I will continue to work on, but otherwise I think I am done here.

The switch has been flipped in that I honestly don't care what she is doing, don't want to talk to her, nor do I want to see her face. If she came crawling back today on hands and knees I would politely ask her to please go back to whereever she came from.

I will continue to browse the forums and provide support to others in the best way I can, but for all practical purposes I think I am done here. I actually feel emporered and in control of my life today, and that feels good.

Thanks again for your feedback and good luck to everyone in your respective sitch's!

[Oneeleven]

Hmmmmm ....

"Neither she nor my three stepchildren had the decency to acknowledge my birthday, that is straw that breaks the camels back for me. I am detached now, and am more than not worried about the outcome, my thought process is starting to mirror that of all my friends and family, that my best bet is just to pack up and move on. "
--------------------------


Well, my SO didn't contact me on my BD, Christmas, NY, or even tell me the actual day he is expected home from an 8+ month tour from Afghanistan.

You know what? Christmas stung. NY was next and he had actually *told me* unprovoked, he'd contact me on NYD. Did he? Nope. But then my BD rolled around 5 days later.
No word from him ever came.

I sent a pitiful email to let him know that it was still my BD for 2 more hours, local time.

After my Bd was I angry? YOU BET!! Did I say it was the last straw? Uh-huh. Did it help me detach? Maybe for a couple of days. When the anger subsided, did the detachement stay? Perhaps a slight bit, but not really.

I am NOT implying you're like me.

BUT

I just wanted to say, anger is good for helping one detach but anger, like many emotions fade, and as the anger fades, the will to try and save the M/R returns..

This is just IMO of course.

[Oneeleven]

Oh and FWIW? My friends and family have been telling me to leave this man BEFORE he even gets home from A-Stan. Even a Chaplain with the Army I spoke with said to book it.

[Broken74]

Thanks 111,

I don't even know if Anger is the word for my emotional state at the moment, I really am not angry. Crushed, disappointed, sad, used, tired, done, those are words that match my feelings at the moment. I have an anger management/Domestic Violence class tonight thanks to my actions and her decisions, which I am looking forward to venting at as well.

Emotion has not allowed me to see the forest for the trees for far too long. I am a patient man but there is only so much that one man can take. I am looking at the best case possible scenario if we were ever to try and reconcile, and it is not a pretty picture. It's one thing to try to get over an affair. It's another to try and get over an affair, being raked over the coals financially during separation AFTER SHE HAD AN AFFAIR, and then being further manipulated by taking advantage of your feelings afterwards.

I am a very logical person, and my logic has been clouded by emotion for far too long. I am for all practical purposes, an idiot. My prior behaviors and attempted recovery actions prove this fact.

So I don't think my feelings or position are going to fade. I realize that this would be considered a mileston in the divorce busting process, but it would appear that I am instead going to be one of the other ones who has had enough.

I'm certain when the first significant bump in the road comes along she will come looking for her security blanket. We'll see how that works for her when it happens.

Thanks again for your feedback I appreciate it!

[Mach1]

I still need to fully review your sitch, but I must ask, was your wife unfaithful to you? If mine didn't have an affair and would have just walked away, my attitude toward this would be entirely different.

Does that really matter at this point ???

Which one would you like to hear about ?

# One ?

# Two ?

They didn't F my marriage up buddy...

but for all practical purposes I think I am done here. I actually feel emporered and in control of my life today, and that feels good.

I do wish you, good luck....