Everwhere is walking distance if you have the time

[ClingingToHope]

Just a long night of jumbled thoughts. A lot of "woe is me" thinking. Weird how my self worth just crumbles. A month ago I was with a woman who would do anything for me and I had no interest in her so I let it go.

And that felt so good.

Then I find out XW is back with the same guy she started seeing before she filed for divorce and I'm back in an emotional hole again.

I'm trying to flip the conversation in my head. Instead of wondering why the person I thought was "the love of my life" doesn't want me I remembered the night I saw the pictures of her trip to South Dakota with her motorcycle buddies.

She supposedly went because her best friend was going. Then more than half of the 40 photos she posted were of this guy.

I remember seeing that and feeling and saying to myself "she's a liar and a cheat and I'm better off without her."

She lied to me when I asked about the relationship and she was seeing him way before she filed for divorce. That's cheating to me. And he's everything she said to me she didn't want to be.

Her best friend lives in this little dive town. She only comes into the city to work. Otherwise, she just goes to the bars and drinks and she now weighs over 300 pounds.

But this is XW's best friend and they never hung out anymore so I would encourage the two of them to see each other to get her out of her depression.

Finally, one day she said "don't you get it? I don't want to be like ... just going to the bar every night and getting fat."

Yet, the guy she started dating and apparently has gone back to is one of those bar buddies. He's really a lot like her dad, who never came home from work until he'd had five or six at the bar.

I saw that and said to myself that's not what a husband or dad should be.

It turns out that's what she wants ... and I am better off.

The problem is I can't cut her out of my life because of the girls. I feel like hopping in a car and driving for two days and rebuilding my life there. But I can't leave them to her influences. D12 is talking about going to college in Chicago and moving to Los Angeles. That's what I want. I want her to see the world. I still have work to do with D9. XW would be happy spending the rest of her life with her mom at their campground, reading romance novels. The outside world is too scary for her. D12 is not like that and I have to make sure D9 escapes as well.