My Sitch/any better ideas than going dark?

[Broken74]

Hi Mach1,

Thanks again for your input! I think a lot can get lost in the shuffle in these strings. First thing I want to clarify is that nothing anyone has taken the time to write re: my sitch vet or otherwise has angered me in any way. I sincerely appreciate everyone taking the time to do so and have taken something positive from every comment, even if I don't necessarily agree with it.

I still need to fully review your sitch, but I must ask, was your wife unfaithful to you? If mine didn't have an affair and would have just walked away, my attitude toward this would be entirely different.

I am far from the perfect husband, I fully admit that... But have you heard of the 80/20 rule? Where if 80% of the time things are great and 20% of the times are not then you're doing pretty good... Certainly more than 80% of the time I was a good husband to my wife, the handful of drunken episodes were what pushed my W away from me, she will fully attest to this. If I had not went out got drunk and verbally abused her the night she was on business in Minnesota in all likelihood I wouldn't be here now.

So, I can't necessarily agree with all of your points. My wife was free to persue whatever she wanted to persue (career interests/friends/hobbies/etc) with the exception of other men, and of course I had the same freedoms with the exception of other women. Once I busted her affair did I start some controlling behaviors, yes I did, taking her off my credit cards/accounts etc I would have been an idiot not do so. She had no problem running the balances that I was responsible for and eventually ate, despite the fact she was already involved with the other man. She did manage to pay for the match.com account she set up from her own personal account, so I applaud her for that.

You are right it is obvious that my words mean nothing to her. My actions obviously don't mean anything to her either. The good thing is as of this point I honestly don't care. Neither she nor my three stepchildren had the decency to acknowledge my birthday, that is straw that breaks the camels back for me. I am detached now, and am more than not worried about the outcome, my thought process is starting to mirror that of all my friends and family, that my best bet is just to pack up and move on.

I take ownership of the fact that my verbal abuse pushed my wife away and effectively was the straw that broke the camels back for our marriage. She should have handled things differently. If she had walked away that would have been one thing. Instead she chose to enter an adulterous affair with another man, before us legally separating. She conspired with this man to come up with strategies to trick me out of our marital home, and I fell for this. She manipulated me for financial gain (I took all marital debt) and to protect the OM by forcing me to backdate the separation agreement to cover the time of the affair, for fear of further legal problems for me.

I stepped into a situation that not very many men would give any thought to step into... 30 year old woman with three kids, 16, 11, and 7, by two different men, both are deatbeats and no support, and one is in jail for shooting another man in the back, and she was also bankrupt. But she was also the most amazing and beautiful woman that I ever met, so I looked past all of these things...

And then I look at what I have been through in the past year and compare it to what she's been through. My verbal abuse was wrong but THERE IS NO COMPARISON. She physically hit me on multiple occasions when I never touched her, and she verbally abused me as well the difference being I DIDN"T CARE.

Here is the gist of it Mach1:

Despite my alcohol problem and handful of episodes of drunken verbal abuse, when she needed someone the most, I WAS ALWAYS THERE FOR HER AND HER CHILDREN, FROM THE DAY THAT I MET HER IN 2/2009.

When I needed her the most, SHE WALKED AWAY FROM ME, ENTERED AN ADULTEROUS RELATIONSHIP WITH ANOTHER MAN, AND FINANCIALLY RAPED ME ON THE WAY OUT THE DOOR TO BOOT, AND THEN CONTINUED TO MANIPULATE ME FOR FURTHER FINANCIAL GAIN EVEN AFTER THE SEPARATION AGREEMENT WAS SIGNED.

Obviously I still have significant self esteem issues to be wasting another keystroke, brain cell, or breath on this situation. Those amongst other things with myself I will continue to work on, but otherwise I think I am done here.

The switch has been flipped in that I honestly don't care what she is doing, don't want to talk to her, nor do I want to see her face. If she came crawling back today on hands and knees I would politely ask her to please go back to whereever she came from.

I will continue to browse the forums and provide support to others in the best way I can, but for all practical purposes I think I am done here. I actually feel emporered and in control of my life today, and that feels good.

Thanks again for your feedback and good luck to everyone in your respective sitch's!