I would say that our W’s apparently have some things in common and don’t have their heads screwed on straight. They didn’t appreciate what they had in their H’s and they made tremendous mistakes. Given what you said it sounds like you are a great H, and I know I was a great H minus my drinking and verbal abuse, and coming up short as a stepfather although I wasn’t even afforded the time to learn the role. I own up to my mistakes and I’m sure you do to. That doesn’t change the fact that I know my wife is making a tremendous mistake and I am certain one day she will realize the same thing. Maybe they are leaving “just because they want to”. Maybe that’s the deal I just can’t see what that should happen to anybody. Given what I was stepping to I certainly was committed, maybe she just wanted the piece of paper so she could make sure to get a nice cut of the assets.
I think we both ended up here for the same reason, that our W’s jumped off the tracks for some reason.
There was a point in time, when I would have agreed with you.
There was a time when I would have been right there with you, high 5's, bichin about them,. and what they did TO us.
Then there became a time, when I started seeing thing in a more clear picture of what was truth, instead of what I WANTED ot hear. What I wanted to hear, was that I was the perfect Husband, and that I did all of these great things. I had people telling me how great I was to her, and that she lost her mind. That was enough for me to stand on my soapbox, and say that she would be sorry one day.
What I NEEDED to hear, was that I wasn't perfect. And that what I had done throughout the length of my marriage was very far from what a perfect Husband was,...
Originally Posted By: Me
*I took HER dreams, and I made them reality for her
I took her dreams, and I didn't let her work toward them. She never was able to realize her potential because I was in the way of that. I smothered her , so that she became just a part of the marriage instead of an individual. She became my wife, rather than her own personality.
Originally Posted By: Me
*I gave her everything she could ask for, before she actually asked
This is a severe form of control. I assumed her wants and needs, therefore never allowing her the freedom to make those choices for herself.
Originally Posted By: Me
*I told her how wonderful she was everyday, and I told her how muched I loved her
The problem was, that I didn't SHOW her how much I loved her. And after time, they just became words. My actions with the other things, became what she felt from me...
Originally Posted By: Me
*I helped her learn the right way to do almost everything
The only problem is.....that is was MY way, not her way. I forgot that she was a person, entitled to make mistakes, and have her own thoughts on things.
Originally Posted By: Me
*I kept track of everything, so she wouldn't forget
Including the bad things......Mostly the bad things.....
Originally Posted By: Me
* I fixed everything , so that it was perfect for her
Once again....
Control Manipulation Assuming her thoughts Assuming her needs Co-dependancy
That is also what I see in your actions. Right now, your words mean very little to her, because your actions tell a different story.
It is so easy, to sit back and say that we are this, or we are that in any situation. Only you know the truth behind what your actions say.
If you were to be completely honest with yourself, and look at what your actions have said...would your response be different ?
Until you can do that, and really take a hard look at your role in this, things will always be the same. I could envision you being here a few years down the road, asking the same things over again.
I am no longer a victim. I no longer think that my X did these things TO me. I no longer think that she is whacked out, because she left that.
I no longer question her sanity because she wanted to be able to breathe, and think for herself.
The truth may look harsh from us "abusive" Vets here. The problem is, that if more than one sees the same things, and these things anger you. what is the real reason behind the anger ???
Are you angry with the Vets , because we point them out ?
Or at yourself, because there is truth in our words ???
Only you can decide what path you want to take.
And don't take just my word....
Ask some of the ladies here, which "husband" they would choose...
