Well ... I'm back

[tpc1977]

Sometimes I cannot render enough layers of protection to protect me from all the negative forces - internal and external. Yesterday I just wanted to give up and be mean and ugly to everyone. I didn't but I was constantly on the verge.

We had a great party the night before and I think I was really tired. The only downside was my wife wanted to have a few drinks. When she came home with beer it immediately put me on edge. Then several other people came in toting beer. I really didn't want to monitor everything going on but I surely didn't want my wife going overboard. Honestly, she shouldn't be drinking at all but I cannot really force her. So I decided to share one with her then keep an eye out every time she opened another. I believe she only opened one more, but slammed it so I wouldn't get my hands on it.

Here's a major problem I have when she drinks. This is how it effects us. When she has a few her attitude really changes. Her moods can swing violently. She gets real frisky and wants to get it on. But if things don't go as planned she gets angry, then starts crying, then starts talking about how bad things are between us. She'll bring up how it's always about me when we have sex. She says as long as I'm pleased then that's all that matters to me. And that's how it's always been. Always. She puts up massive walls and won't budge on her globalized statements.

My problem is, when she gets this way I don't want to be intimate. Not at all. She doesn't care if the kids are there or how loud she gets. It can get a little embarrassing sometimes. One time we were going at it - because, damn it, I better - and our daughter started crying because she didn't know what we were doing. I kept telling my wife to keep it down but she wanted to get louder and stuff. If we're alone, I don't care. Blow out your wind pipes. Go for it. When the kids are in the other room, let's keep it civilized.

If I don't perform to her standards then she'll let me know. We'll fight, she'll cry, everything I worked to fix will come crumbling down and she won't realize what she has done or even think that she did anything wrong. Her actions were justifiable.

So when she started drinking Saturday I knew we were going to have a problem. Then when the party started winding down I brought up the fact that I was tired. "You better not be tired!"

"Crap." I knew what that meant. My butt was on the line. I think I'd rather have several cameras around me with a live audience watching. Heck, even if it was my first time ever with the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. The pressure of making sure I do everything she wants to the standard she's expecting and finishing on queue is more than I can handle. Especially when I'm already mentally off because I know what's on the line.

I've tried bringing this up before and she doesn't listen. Her reasoning is, like I said, justifiable. So what if she gets a little frisky if she drinks. What's wrong with that? So what if she expects something out of me. It's always been about me anyway and she deserves something better. Oh no, I'm wrong about the emotional part. It's just that I upset her and that's what gets her angry then crying. And if she wants to have a drink she can. She's old enough to make her own decisions and do what she wants. What's the difference from drinking and/or smoking and/or indulging in coffee? If other drug addicts have vices she can have one too.