Too Little Too Late.... part 7

[keep_going]

Purg,

You touched on two things I totally empathize with.

I'm still upset/hurt by our paper conversation, partly because it means he's still researching and going forward with the separation. He even decided on a L while I was away. When we get into these discussions, I feel like I walk a fine line between sticking up for myself, and not making him too mad. I hope that he respects the fact that I'm not just going to roll over and take whatever he feels is fair, but I also don't want him to think that I"m being stubborn and bull headed (like I used to be in our M.) I knew this was probably going to happen, but every time that is confirmed, it still hurts.

My conv. with H about the separation and hiring a L went aweful. I wanted not to make him mad, but what he offered is flat out insulting. Yet, I didn't fight - I didn't want him to think I was still the old me - argumentative, stubborn, etc. Even though I was calm and validated, he was furious because I didn't want to do mediation and had decided to hire a L and ended up really upset at me and saying some very nasty things in reference to the old me and how my behavior is to be expected. I read somewhere (I believe in the divorced forum) that there is no way to DB when negotiating the S or D. Great...

If things were still good with us, using my 'new improved purg' ways. I would have let him cry about his dog if he wanted to, I would have hugged and kissed him to help make him feel better; who knows, it could have ended up going somewhere....
But being this 'new purg' and having H not want anything to do with me, I'm left knowing that he's hurting, I can't comfort him, and he thinks that I'm the same old purg.... the one who never tried to make him feel better and he always felt like he couldn't share feelings with me.

How do I bridge *that* assumption gap??

I know exactly what you mean!!! I feel so helpless when this happens - he is so detached that there is no way for him to see the changes in me, and I just end up being even more detached and apart from him because I cannot comfort him. So where does he go? To OW - who has every opportunity to be the supportive, loving and affectionate one for him - which is exactly what was missin in our M. I feel like I just cannot compete.