Separation, Settlement, or Servellience?

[Yasu]

For BrklynMom,

Your Husband indeed created the need for the therapies, but he doesn't feel that. Let the sessions interfere with his schedule so he can see for himself.

It is not the best for you to be trying so hard to put the "remorse" in his face. He's not in the mood to take your word for anything. He's walked out on his dear, sweet young family.

You must now handle everything yourself, and it is TOO MUCH. I can tell you, even being abandoned without children is too much. I cannot imagine how you are staying sane.

There is a. Critical chapter I came across in the book called "Runaway Husband." the chapter refers to this time you must take care of yourself because you are under tremendous stress after the traumatic event of being left.

The chapter points to things such as lack of sleep, not eating properly, those usual things. What was new to me in this chapter, that was indeed true to me, was how this event (and surrounding effects), might effect my driving.

I have a cute little sports car. It is ffun to drive. But in the first year or so after the bomb, I almost had 2 near catastrophies driving that car WAY TOO FAST. In other words, both times, I almost lost control, and flipped the car in turns. The car is not made to drive fast in turns, this is what I learned. And, only because my brother had taught me to hold the wheel straight in a turn, I saved the car from flipping. It was only luck that I did not do myself in on one of those.

That case i am describing we might call poor judgment, and it really came to mind when I read the chapter. As well, I like to gun that car. I like to race that car at shotlights. But I did stop this crap, and slowed everything down, because, the fact of the matter is, I am not feeling great these days. It is quite possible that this aggressive road racing has something to do with my ANGER.

Just the other day I got my first speeding ticket on the way home from doctor. I was not watching the speed, period - not paying attention - bottom line. I was worried about the divorce settlement and things I've written here. Now, since the Chapter, I normally drive way way behind the fast moving traffic here in this city.

But somehow, that day, I was the leader of the pack in a speed trap, and six people got pulled over. The whole reason they have speed limits in that section of town is because of the number of lights, and extreme traffic. My mind was somewhere else. Maybe the ticket is a blessing in disguise - but a ticket, of course, ruins your day and is very stressful.

BQ, you have 1000 other items that could go wrong at any moment if you are not paying close attention. Tempature of bath water or solution in bottles, drowning in bath water, kids getting burned on stove, runover in the street (yes), child abduction when you just turn your head for one second, walking thru a parking lot with a buggy and two girls when you are dead tired, a child accidentally falling and recieving a severe injury and everyone blames you, keeping you own cool in check, hiding you deep hurt emotions from the girls, child swallowing a foreign object, child opening the car door, child seat not properly secured, kids screaming in car cause a wreck, etc.

I don't even have kids, and I could keep rattling off stuff that could go wrong. I mean, I make so many mistakes myself as an adult under this stress. I was using the stove as a tabletop in the kitchen, and only turning one one burner. By accident, I turned on a different burner, and created a huge mess of burning paper (important papers) and melting plastic and hot cracking glass.

It would not be unlike me to just walk out the door and not notice what happened if I had not seen the papers and smelled the plastic. So, I do not leave without checking every appliance.

Now I could say, if it had not been for my a$$ hole husband, none of these things would be happening to me. Indeed, without the crisis three plus years ago, and the added stress - I do not think I would have needed 300 miligrams of mood stabilizers, biodiazapines, antipsychotics, and huge doeses of multipe ADs every single day. But, it is done. I can be angry, sad, despondent - and many times I am. But the last thing I will every find is his remorse. That is an unreal expectation.

If you could have remourse in your hand, how could it remedy the situation anyhow? I have, recently, finially absorbed the DB principle of having "no
expectations."

If you have no expectations, then you do not expect anything, and therefore, you are not looking for anything, like remorse, and you are not disappointed when "it" is not forthcoming.

I have that book at the other house. And will write more about what the Chapter said. My recall is very limited, obviously, I am only able to remember how it pertained to me. So as soon as I vet back over there to the rental I will re-read the chapter. Yas

[Yasu]

Let me save you the trouble. "Well, I never..."

Yas

[BklynMom]

Yas - thks for the thoughts. I hear what you are saying about getting enough sleep. I try to take it easy on myself and be a little less type A these days. Sometimes I leave dishes in the sink at night which I would never do previously but going easy on myself is a top priority.

I was running a lot this summer to blow of steam but its been hard to keep up with in the winter, cause I run pushing the baby so I cant go if its cold. I do a bit of yoga at home and in classes and that does help with the anger management and so does the prozac.

Thks again for your thoughts, I have to start a new thread at some point

[Yasu]

You are Wonderful, BrklynMom! Look what you were able to do! You made two beautiful girls! That's a miracle! You will never be alone!

I guess maybe your thread is closed. I was worried you had blocked me. Sometimes, when I speak my mind, I understand, that others would like to silence me, or pretend I don't exist. Been there done that.

But so happy to hear from you!

Now for my brilliant suggestion.

Paper plates and bowls. I was making such a mess at the rental, as there is no dishwasher ther. In fact, not all that long ago. I lived there with no dishwasher and no dryer. When we moved to the Atlanta high class sub-burbs, a neighbor in the sub-division told me that it was against the Covenants to rig up my clothes line in the back yard (she saw the old fashion rig on the back of the truck, and was just giving me an FYI). Obviously, that rig-up was not part of my antique collection.

Needlesstosay, we were forced to buy a dryer in around 2005. That really made a difference for me - especially during the winter, and rainy seasons.

Anyway, the paper plates and bowls are pretty cheap, and can be used twice if you are not picky. And I am not picky. That cuts down on a lot of dishes. I am not sure I can get used to plastic cutlery, probably not. But, plastic drink glasses, yes. Just have to trash them and stop washing them.

Now I really like my coffee in a regular mug. Syrafoam will not do for that. Just like wine must be in a proper wineglass.

Just an idea for you. Watch the driving. Oh dear me, I have been thinking about mine since getting that ticket the other day. Crap, I have such a perfect driving record. Crap, crap, crap.

I find the Kroger mid-range generic paper-cardboardy brand (with matching designs), I think 50 in a package, is a good value, that holds up, and doesn't spill over or tilt. (The strafoam stuff [censored]. Experimented with that in the summer, yuck!). Yas

[BklynMom]

You are right about paper plates. I do use them more often especially since the only dishwasher around here is me. (Gotta love old NY apartments with no dishwasher, ugh)

[Yasu]

Oh dear. Pardon me while I say to myself, SHUT THE EFF UP. I cannot believe you are making it without a dishwasher and two children. Seriously, OMG. I will never complain about my back-a$$Ed woods life here with husband again.

How in the world are you surviving Broklynmom? I cannot even imagine caring for my own drugged up a$$ without a dishwasher to run these dirty dishes twice a week. Otherwise, the entire counter would be a clutter of dirty dishes.

For some reason (perhaps the fact I have never been acudyomed to a dishwasher), I always wash the pots and pans by hand as I go (or hide them in the oven). Also, since I am by myself, I just re-use stuff. I haven't poisoned myself yet, so, that really cuts down on the dishwashing fluid - which is pricey.

I guess I am a cheap scape on many things, so that I can justify a few little luxuries here and there. What about you? I think you really deserve something special! I wish I could send you a home-made batch of lavender bath salts, or a nice bath oil for you to soak in. You deserve to treat yourself like a Queen Bee! Yas

[Yasu]

I am just getting past a bad week. It was bad because I was not paying attention. I may have even written down already. That is how out of it I am. I made a serious mistake with my medications.

I got two different medications mixed up. One I was discontinued on a while back, an anti-psychotic for paranoia. I have been handling the surveillance without any issues. It is no big deal to me anymore. I have nothing to hide.

Well, the anti Psychotic pills and their bottle look just like my Ativan pills that I take four per evening for increased anxiety recently. I ran out of the Atavan and transferred a 30 day supply from the large bottle I get from Humana.

After at least four night of no sleep, and a rattling thought process, it finially dawned on me. The possibility that I may have selected the wrong pills to refill the Ativan script. I went downstairs in the middle of the night, put on my glasses, and sure enough, that is what I did.

So, the results, all those evenings I was taking a quadruple dose of antipsychotic, that I did not need (forgive please any crazy or irregular postings during this period).

Furthermore, this meant I was experiencing extreme withdrawal symtoms from not having my Atavan.

I've consulted the pharmistist and doctor, and have personal assistant helping me get back on track. What a mess, and how dangerous it could have been.

This goes to what I wrote about the "chapter" in Runaway Husbands" for Broklnmom. Classic example of severely screwing something up because of distraction due to what we call the "SITCH.". It is not his fault, your fault, my fault, their fault. It is simply something you need to be aware of.

And can you believe I had just been preaching the gospel on the topic. Then I get a massive speeding ticket, and screw up my medications. Today the neighbors pitched in and cleaned up my yard. People are starting to notice I need a little help here.

Oh dear. I broke down and paid my personal assistant this week to straighten this mess out. The right pills are organized, the wrong pills are in the trash. Emergency medication is sorted in a convientent container in my purse.

Now, he had to go to the grocery and pharmacy and get some stuff in here that was needed - such as a new box to organize the pills. Since I melted my pill boxes on the stove burner at the rental house by accident. It did not cost very much - just 45.00 to pay him to go to the store and outfit the meds and house. It was totally worth it. After those nights without sleep, I couldn't function.

I will, indeed, write more about that chapter when I get it together enough to get over to the rental. Hope all of my supporters are doing great! Yas

[BklynMom]

I can totally relate. Left my pocketbook hanging on a fence near our house the other day. Of course it was gone when I realized what I had done. Luckily my cash, keys, my cell phone and my fancy lipstick were in my coat pocket.

Take care of yourself if that means hiring someone to help then its worth it. Be gentle, we all do this kind of stuff especially when our heads are someplace else.

[Yasu]

I can totally relate. Left my pocketbook hanging on a fence near our house the other day. Of course it was gone when I realized what I had done. Luckily my cash, keys, my cell phone and my fancy lipstick were in my coat pocket.

Take care of yourself if that means hiring someone to help then its worth it. Be gentle, we all do this kind of stuff especially when our heads are someplace else.

Oh, dear. The lost pocketbook syndrome! How that has plagued me all my life - before I ever knew or cared about the effect of bombs!

Now, what can get even more irratating and tiresome is trying to find an item in the bloody pocketbook. It can even turn into a major research project. How many occasions have you searched your pocketbook, turned it inside-out; taken apart the house, the car, etc., - only to find, in the end - the item was actually buried in the in the rubble of the pocketbook in the first place (you were just unable to escavate it on your first archeological dig)? Yas

[Yasu]

Yes, today I am coming unhinged. I started a new, (what I had hoped to be), a less convoluted thread. And what's the first thing I do? I start convoluting it up.

Brokenmom and Mr. Bond,

I will stay over here. My anxity and overthinking are not under control yet. I made yet another medication mistake yesterday, taking my night dose of medicine instead of my day dose. It will be a few days for this to shake out. I saw Phychiatrist yesterday, and he wants me coming in twice as often obviously. I cannot believe I was driving with all that sleep medication in me. Oh dear. I came home and slept off and on till seven o'clock. When bedtime came, I noticed my night medicine was missing from the container section.

Actually, I hate the way they have designed these things. I suppose it is a left handed issue. I am going to have to put some visual cues on the medication box to prevent this accident. This is really the best designed box in terms of the way the days and nights are laid out vertically. It's the color defertiation that caused me to make an error yesterday when I was in a hurry (note to self: stop being in a hurry when it comes to medication).

I really think of red as a day color (sun, bright, warm). And I think of blue as a night color (peaceful, cool, sun is down). However my new pill box is visa versa. Well, a little artistic invention, and I will handle this.

Many complex things I can do very easily. It is simple tasks that are extremely confounding to me with this disorder.

I have started a prayer thread, to make up for my agoraphobic avoidance of Church - that ceased about a year or so ago. Yes, indeed, I should add that to my Goals. I never really knew how to pray, but the reverend at the Church prayed with me a few times, and I got the idea. I found that I really like to create a visual in my prayer - that is the artist in me - therefore, the image I am contemplating at the time is called the "Dove Angel.". I will expand much more The Dove Angel, as God's thoughts and direction come to me.

Don't get the idea I'm a holy roller. I'm certainly not, I'm pretty much a total heathen! That characterization always makes the Reverand laugh! Thank you if you read my humble offerings here! Yas

You are supposed to take pills from red zone at bottom and work your way up to blue zone which is niche time.