Everwhere is walking distance if you have the time

[ClingingToHope]

I was never a big "Two and a Half Men" fan. I'd watch it occasionally. It became more interesting after the D because I identify with the younger divorced brother.

I remember watching an episode where his XW breaks up with her boyfriend and he acts all sad and then when she closes the door he does a little happy dance.

I've kind of been like that the last few weeks, but tonight I got a kick in the gut.

When things didn't work out with DHU_41, I felt really good about myself. It didn't feel right. She wasn't someone I could see a long term future with. I was proud that I didn't drag it out just to be with someone. And when it was over I started to think about XW again.

It's that 1 percent in me.

Tonight, I was taking D12 to her favorite restaurant for her birthday, since it's next weekend and not my weekend.

We were waiting to be seated and out of nowhere she says, "mom's seeing someone."

I didn't say anything so she plowed on. Saying XW asked if she wanted to know whether she's been dating. Apparently, she's going back out with motorcycle guy from two summers ago. They've been out twice. Apparently, it ended before because he wanted to meet the girls and she didn't think they were ready.

I hate to say it, but it felt like I'd been punched in the stomach. It brought back all that pain from that summer. I felt desperate again. Desperate for someone, anyone. I even toyed with calling DHU_41 tonight.

The series at church is called destinations. Basically, your path determines where you end up. I've been feeling good about myself. I have things under control at work. I have things under control financially. I have things under control at work.

But I don't have things under control emotionally with the XW.

I don't know why but I can't shake that last 1 percent that this is all just a phase.

Even when I think about XW and motorcycle guy. I mean he's older, not very good looking, from what I remember seeing a couple of years ago, he spends most of his non-work, waking hours at the bars in a little dive town.

It hurts like hell that she'd want him rather than me.

Next week is D12's party. I asked her if it was alright if I didn't go. She said that's fine. I probably shouldn't have asked and I shouldn't have told XW I'd go. I was never asked. It was assumed I'd go.

Maybe I'll feel differently in the morning, but right now I don't want to see her, her family or her friends who introduced her to this guy.

There are peaks and valleys and this is a valley.

I read a book about coming back from betrayal a couple of years ago. One of the tips is to do an exercise where you imagine yourself in five years and 10 years.

In the past two and a half years, the only other person I could imagine myself with was Church_31. Otherwise, when I look into the future, I keep imagining myself back with XW.

I wonder if this comes from my dad. My sister and I have talked a lot about this, but he didn't get over my mom for a long, long time. He fell off the wagon a few times. He met and moved in with a nice lady for a while, but they never got married. Finally, he drank too much and had to leave the state. Once he got away, he met a lady he married right before he died.

Tonight, I feel like that may happen to me. I may not be able to truly feel free of this until I've shaken the dust off and left this town.