WHG: And Alice goes down the rabbit hole...

[workinghardguy]

And so it goes... pretty heartbroken right now. W just picked up S for his first overnight at her house. Barely kept it together saying good bye him. Got inside the house and just collapsed on the stairs and wept for a long time.

I know I have to validate this for my W's needs. Give her space. Let her do her thing. If it is meant to be she'll come back. And I KNOW that, but right now it just all seems to damn stupid. I'm so angry and bitter right now, but I just keep hiding it. PMA when she sees me, right? Tomorrow morning I'm busy at my son's school volunteering (it's a surprise for him). W will be here cleaning up the post-move out mess. I mean really...? That was her offer, not my request. And considering she left enough mess I'm not inclined to say no, but who does that? Maybe it's just her guilt and this is a way to assuage that... I don't know.

I feel like half of me is missing. I've almost forgotten how to not be married. I still love her and that makes all this that much harder.

Went all weekend with out communicating with her except for S calling her to say goodnight, and then I had him dial and hang up. I won't be here tomorrow. I need to move on with my life, but it will be hard. I miss her, the stepkids, my S sooo much.

I think part of this pain comes from a part of me seeing/hoping all this is temporary. That some day she'll find her way back. But moments like this drive home the reality and it just hurts.

This isn't to say that DR is failure. Good things have come from this. I remember how my W and I were interacting when she first dropped the bomb. Things are infinitely better now than then. We talk, we can laugh, we still communicate and share stories. We are still friends. That wasn't where we were six months ago.

And the self-realization that came with DR helped me save my R with my SS. That relationship is so much better than it was. I don't know that I would've had the wake-up call without DR, and frankly the added stress and anger of this may have completely destroyed anything with SS had I not had a realization.

My circle of friends has gotten better... though still a long, long way to go there.

My relationship with my S has also grown, but that's more due to GAL. We get out now and do things... this wasn't happening before DR/the bomb. On Friday we stopped into a pottery shop to pick up some things all the kids made for the new house. When we walked in there was his teacher with her family. She told him they were there because he told her all about it. All weekend he talked about how proud he was that his teacher went there and to another place on his recommendation.

So those are all good things. I just wish it hadn't gone down this way. I wish wasn't sitting in this big house all alone. I wish my heart was shredded right now.