Waiting for the tides to change - 2

[BFloat]

KG - yes! there has been some emotional ups and downs. and you're right.. whatever might be brewing will come out sooner or later. nothing i do or say is going to change that outcome so i should continue on my way.

labug & purg - i have been thinking about the dating thing and here is my conclusion..

i thought about things last night. thinking.. what's the harm in going for coffee? but the reality is.. what if he turns out to be a great guy?

i should explain some things i had been thinking about yesterday as well. when i was talking to my friend's H, he said he doesn't think my H has thought through all the aspects of getting a D. hence his reasoning is that as things unfold, H will want to come home. i don't know.

i said to him that i have thought through so many things during this time and that one of the reasons is that me fighting for my M isn't really just about me wanting to be w/ H. i think.. if we D, i don't intend on being alone forever. i will eventually meet someone and that person will become the primary male figure in my kids' lives. not because they have chosen him over H but by default of that person sharing the everyday life w/ me and therefore w/ my kids as well. and if H meets someone and has a new family.. kids may question one day.. why did he choose that family and not us? even though that was not the case.

i've thought about so many potential heartaches and have wanted to avoid it for all of us. perhaps that is a mistake. i don't know. but i have tried to not make decisions purely on emotion but reason and logic as well (if i were making decisions solely on emotions.. i think i would have told H to take a hike months ago!!!)

to get back to the question of dating.. although it would be really nice to have the excitement of dating, i'm completely not ready. what if he turns out to be a great guy and things do turn around with H? maybe i choose new person which i may regret later in life that i should have given M a better chance. or what if i decide to be w/ H.. how unfair to potentially start something up w/ new person only to tell them.. sorry.. i'm going back to H. and do i spend my life thinking of the what ifs?

i am not prepared to be faced w/ either of these possible choices. because in the end, i am still M. and H is the father of my children. and i love my children.. and also H. i am not "done" yet. there may come a day.. but today is not it.

yes! one more day 'til i'm reunited w/ the loves of my life!!! going to smother them w/ hugs and kisses! plus my bff is flying in today! i've really missed her.