H came back from the gym, and we had planned on talking about any schedule changes needed since OW isn't watching the kids for him anymore... we worked through that and he brought up something that is in our separation papers. I didn't feel completely caught off guard, so I went along with it.
Long story short, 30 minutes of realizing that we feel differently about some of our finances- led to a stand still. We were both frustrated, but we never raised voices and never got too defensive. (I guess Zen Purg is in control more often than not... or maybe this is just the new me!)
We were interrupted by S6 crying because our dog had bit him. H got really angry with the dog while I dealt with our son- no broken skin, just a puncture mark. H makes the bold statement that we will get rid of the dog. {Although he didn't show it, this really hurt him because this is *his* dog. There have been some on going behavior problems with the dog since H has moved out and isn't playing with him as often- I try, but I have so many other things to do in my day I don't always have the time. I don't hate the dog, and I never suggested getting rid of him.} H starts rummaging in the kitchen and I ask him not to make any rash decisions while he's so upset. He ignores me and goes over to the table to start eating. I tried to sit with him and calm him down, but he remained silent and glared at his laptop. I normally would have left him alone, but that's what I always use to do, so I sat in silence with him. I really wanted to reach out and give him a hug, but I'm sure that would have sent him over the edge. He finished and walked away, I followed him to the stairs and said that I know he just went through the ringer of emotions (upset with me about papers, mad/sad about the dog) and I asked if was ok. He just looked at me, blankly, and said: "I won't have a dog that bites kids." I rubbed his arm and agreed, and said: "I can understand how sad that makes you. I don't believe you that you're 'ok', but I'm going to leave you alone." He just grinned and walked away.
He's taking a shower now and is leaving to go where ever it is that he goes nowadays.
I'm still upset/hurt by our paper conversation, partly because it means he's still researching and going forward with the separation. He even decided on a L while I was away. When we get into these discussions, I feel like I walk a fine line between sticking up for myself, and not making him too mad. I hope that he respects the fact that I'm not just going to roll over and take whatever he feels is fair, but I also don't want him to think that I"m being stubborn and bull headed (like I used to be in our M.) I knew this was probably going to happen, but every time that is confirmed, it still hurts.
He just left without saying much, but let me know that he was taking his boards with him, in case I didn't see them in the garage (so I know he's going to his buddy's house to build his cabinet.)
If things were still good with us, using my 'new improved purg' ways. I would have let him cry about his dog if he wanted to, I would have hugged and kissed him to help make him feel better; who knows, it could have ended up going somewhere.... But being this 'new purg' and having H not want anything to do with me, I'm left knowing that he's hurting, I can't comfort him, and he thinks that I'm the same old purg.... the one who never tried to make him feel better and he always felt like he couldn't share feelings with me.
How do I bridge *that* assumption gap??
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
