Separation, Settlement, or Servellience?

[Yasu]

For BrklynMom,

Your Husband indeed created the need for the therapies, but he doesn't feel that. Let the sessions interfere with his schedule so he can see for himself.

It is not the best for you to be trying so hard to put the "remorse" in his face. He's not in the mood to take your word for anything. He's walked out on his dear, sweet young family.

You must now handle everything yourself, and it is TOO MUCH. I can tell you, even being abandoned without children is too much. I cannot imagine how you are staying sane.

There is a. Critical chapter I came across in the book called "Runaway Husband." the chapter refers to this time you must take care of yourself because you are under tremendous stress after the traumatic event of being left.

The chapter points to things such as lack of sleep, not eating properly, those usual things. What was new to me in this chapter, that was indeed true to me, was how this event (and surrounding effects), might effect my driving.

I have a cute little sports car. It is ffun to drive. But in the first year or so after the bomb, I almost had 2 near catastrophies driving that car WAY TOO FAST. In other words, both times, I almost lost control, and flipped the car in turns. The car is not made to drive fast in turns, this is what I learned. And, only because my brother had taught me to hold the wheel straight in a turn, I saved the car from flipping. It was only luck that I did not do myself in on one of those.

That case i am describing we might call poor judgment, and it really came to mind when I read the chapter. As well, I like to gun that car. I like to race that car at shotlights. But I did stop this crap, and slowed everything down, because, the fact of the matter is, I am not feeling great these days. It is quite possible that this aggressive road racing has something to do with my ANGER.

Just the other day I got my first speeding ticket on the way home from doctor. I was not watching the speed, period - not paying attention - bottom line. I was worried about the divorce settlement and things I've written here. Now, since the Chapter, I normally drive way way behind the fast moving traffic here in this city.

But somehow, that day, I was the leader of the pack in a speed trap, and six people got pulled over. The whole reason they have speed limits in that section of town is because of the number of lights, and extreme traffic. My mind was somewhere else. Maybe the ticket is a blessing in disguise - but a ticket, of course, ruins your day and is very stressful.

BQ, you have 1000 other items that could go wrong at any moment if you are not paying close attention. Tempature of bath water or solution in bottles, drowning in bath water, kids getting burned on stove, runover in the street (yes), child abduction when you just turn your head for one second, walking thru a parking lot with a buggy and two girls when you are dead tired, a child accidentally falling and recieving a severe injury and everyone blames you, keeping you own cool in check, hiding you deep hurt emotions from the girls, child swallowing a foreign object, child opening the car door, child seat not properly secured, kids screaming in car cause a wreck, etc.

I don't even have kids, and I could keep rattling off stuff that could go wrong. I mean, I make so many mistakes myself as an adult under this stress. I was using the stove as a tabletop in the kitchen, and only turning one one burner. By accident, I turned on a different burner, and created a huge mess of burning paper (important papers) and melting plastic and hot cracking glass.

It would not be unlike me to just walk out the door and not notice what happened if I had not seen the papers and smelled the plastic. So, I do not leave without checking every appliance.

Now I could say, if it had not been for my a$$ hole husband, none of these things would be happening to me. Indeed, without the crisis three plus years ago, and the added stress - I do not think I would have needed 300 miligrams of mood stabilizers, biodiazapines, antipsychotics, and huge doeses of multipe ADs every single day. But, it is done. I can be angry, sad, despondent - and many times I am. But the last thing I will every find is his remorse. That is an unreal expectation.

If you could have remourse in your hand, how could it remedy the situation anyhow? I have, recently, finially absorbed the DB principle of having "no
expectations."

If you have no expectations, then you do not expect anything, and therefore, you are not looking for anything, like remorse, and you are not disappointed when "it" is not forthcoming.

I have that book at the other house. And will write more about what the Chapter said. My recall is very limited, obviously, I am only able to remember how it pertained to me. So as soon as I vet back over there to the rental I will re-read the chapter. Yas