feeling like giving up.....former DBing against OW

[imthemom]

VC!!!..you made me laugh..:)..I guess It would be easier to stomach if she was ugly and looked like a loser...in any case it doesnt really matter, at this point they have been together for so long the fact of even thinking about what ifs seems completly pointless. It did bring back a lot of old anger, which i guess is human nature but it sure flipped that last swith for me to. Im not under the illusion that there will ever be a reconciliation. I know that it happens but with everything that we have been through in the last 7 months it just feels like its over, he has never once showed any sign of not being sure of what he wants...and its not me.

Life is a road you just travel down and you never know what you are going to encounter. I have always prided myself on handling what is thrown at me with strength and character...and ive had some pretty crappy things thrown at me. I havent been real proud of how Ive handled this until about a month ago...Ive let it beat me and thats not me at all. Im ready to get back to the strong confident me I was before all this, although part of me feels like Im not even the same person. I dont think I will ever look at things the same. but i still feel like Im going to be ok.

Im definatley feeling the finality of the whole situation. It just feels like I need to except the fact that he was a whole new life that doesnt include anything that was us, maybe that will change as things settle down and we can be friendly but right now I dont even want to hear his voice or see his face, and its not even anger...its just plain ole let me forget you exist..We have a court date of May 2..thats a long way off so it looks like ill be having to make the best of the lifstyle that S14 and I have until then. Ive been doing it for 7 months..guess i can do it for 3 more....I just hope my S14 comes out of this in one piece. He is so angry, and trying to hide it ...and then having these really mean little flip outs at me over the smallest things. Guess thats a mothers job...but tell me, what exactley is a fathers job? because Im really having a hard time figureing THAT one out..remember the ER fiasco on superbowl sunday? when H refused to come to the ER with his S14 and didnt even bother to call and check on him? well we have a copay for an ER visit..$100. of course I didnt have it so they billed us and it went to H because its his coverage. He actually text me friday and said "you want to split the bill for the ER?".....Even after my L calls him to tell him that our utilities are being turned off, my son is going to school hungry and he is making 4xs the amount as me ....He cant be bothered to even paticipate in parenting our S but he will ask ME for money...I was mad and didnt even answer him, but after thinking about it for the weekend ive decided im sending him a check..i have the money since my Mom helped me out and because I feel like it is half my responsability ill do it. and not to make a point, I wont even mention it to my L ..but because I handle my responsabilities and how can I comment about the way he is if Im doing the same thing.
ok..enough...Im so tired of talking about him...somtimes I think this board keeps me stuck...goen for a run and then the boys and I are going to the jelly belly factory..and then yard work to get ready for S14s party next weekend...which he says he doesnt want to invite his D to...just another thing I have to figure out this week. His D has to be invited...just gonna be real uncomfortable...