Sandi2, that is exactly the question I keep asking myself. she clearly has never forgiven me for what happened all those years ago. At some point I started to resent the fact that we could never get past it, and it has affected our relationship greatly. The spontaneity and fun that was part of our relationship disappeared once all that was revealed.
Sometimes I wonder if I can ever forgive myself for doing what I did. I have let her beat me over the head with it because I have felt so guilty about it. But at some point we need to move past it.
To answer your question, no, I don't want this anymore. I can not be in a relationship with her if she will never forgive me for the cheating. As my first DB coach said you have served your time. She either needs to let it go or she needs to go.
I guess this is a long time coming. Looking back I can see that I was a little distanced from her because I knew she still resented me for my mistakes. Of course maybe if I had tried harder to help her get over it or read "after the affair" and discussed it with her that might have helped.
I'll give another example. 2008, before we moved to ANC, I'm flying out to CA to do some training on a flight crew since we don't have a simulator yet. One of the crew texts me that they are there and will meet me the next evening to brief the training. This text is received about 11:00p.m. EST while my W ad I are in bed. The text was from a female crew member, who I've never met, and my W asks who it is and I show her the text. She was furious. She called this female crew member right then and just screamed at her, asked my she was texting me. Ws she married, did she know how inappropriate this was etc. Just completely chewed this girls rear end. i was dumbfounded. Again, I had never met this crew before. I was going out to give them a check ride. They just wanted to know were to meet me. Scheduling had given them my cell phone number. All this was unsolicited by me and i had no control over it.
What I didn't know until recently, my W told me that when this happened she called he friend in Dallas, the one she will be staying with, and told her that some strange woman was texting me. She couldn't tolerate it, and he was considering leaving me then. Again I didn't know this until a few months ago. I knew she was upset over the text but I had no idea she was talking to her friend about leaving me.
I have zero female friends. The only interaction I have with women is work related and it has been that way for 16 years. Yet she always assumes that I'm messing around on her. She does the bills and the banking account. There isn't a penny that i spend she doesn't know about. She pays the phone bills and knows exactly who I talk to. She accuses me sometimes if she doesn't recognize a number and has even called numbers before. They always check out. She even called my boss once to verify I was were I said i was. There was a time in 2005 at my previous company were the captain I was flying with wanted to take me to dinner because I helped him get his check ride done after he returned to flying status from prostrate surgery. I initially hesitated but then agreed. i told my W but she didn't believe me and thought I went out with flight attendants. So naturally she called the captain to verify my story. There have been too many of those.
I have avoided anything that could possibly look improper. After awhile, I started to get resentful. Didn't really understand why she wouldn't forgive me or trust me. And of course my resentment would show through and that would just make it worse.
Was I the greatest husband, no. But I always wanted to make it work and be her husband. If she isn't ever going to forgive me, maybe she should have left me years ago.
In some respects, I think maybe the D or separation is needed. I haven't lived in years to be honest. I am not the same person around her as I am around everyone else. I'm defensive, guarded, hurt, lonely etc around her. I'm fun, witty, happy and carefree around everyone else. You can see how I don't ever do anything with anyone because it is likely to be interpreted as me cheating on her. Heck we are supposedly divorcing in 2 months yet she still is concerned that either I'm cheating on her now or I will have a girlfriend right away and be married to her within a year. BTW, "the only reason anyone will be interested in you is because you're a pilot and paid well" is her quote to me.
Yet I am ILW her. Why? I have no reference point for how a relationship should be anymore. How do you work through all this baggage? What if she called it off nd said she didn't want the D? It would require a lot of effort on both our parts to make it work right? MC and Retroville would be musts in my opinion.
Yet I'm not sure she will ever get to the point to put the work in because she feels I'm worth it. She has stated many times that "she deserves better than me". I know they say these things at this point as a WAW. But maybe she really feels that way. She has compared me to other men who are married and said point blank "why can't you be more like XXX". A few years ago I had had it and said "fine why don't you go marry XXX". Of course i apologized for saying that but she got under my skin and got the best of me.
I'm completely at a loss a this point to be honest. My DB coach thinks I'm making some progress but I'm not so sure.
