Thanks for the clarification of your thoughts on this wiley!
I'm glad that you've found the LRT thread useful. I know that it's something that I have to refer back to myself every once in awhile, just to keep in focus!
As you can probably tell, I'm not a real big advocate of "dating" while DB'ing. Although there may be many who have gone on to successfully reconcile their marriages while "seeing" other people, in my point of view, it can just add another obstacle to overcome in the process.
I do agree with you that is often very important to send a strong message that "Yes, I'm OK without you". Far too often, our partners may see us as "weak" and "clingy" and "needy", which can definitely be a major turn-off, and add undo pressure on them. In this respect, it can really benefit us to start doing the things it takes to "get a life", so to speak, and once again be "attractive" in the eyes of our partners. There are, however, many other ways to accomplish this goal.
Dating as a "tactic" can often hold a lot of hidden dangers. Although it can sometimes work to make our partners "jealous", it can OFTEN take a different twist. It can send mixed signals and messages which are impossible to predict, and hold a strong chance of backfiring on us.
IMHO, "dating" falls into the last, last, last, last resort technique category. Not as a "technique" or a "tactic", but as something you do when you are satisfied that you have done everything you could to reconcile with your partner, you have no interest in being married to them any longer, and you are ready to totally move on without them.
I don't want to tie up Cindy's thread here too much, so these are just my brief thoughts on the subject. I'm sure that this topic could fill up a couple of threads all on it's own!! Thanks for your thoughts on the subject, wiley! We've probably given Cindy WAY too much to ponder over on THIS thread!!
JJ
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JJ, I must agree, I had a chance to date and make friends with a male partner. But I felt it would send my partner the wrong message and I would loose him forever. So I canceled, unfortunately by giving the guy the brush off it only made him want me more, which was not what I was after.
All I have to say is be careful what you do, it may come back to haunt you!
I feel quite strongly that dating while you are in marital difficulties only enforces the WAs belief that trying to come back is NOT an option. I mean to take an apparent interest in someone else while saying you want the m sends mixed signals.
Not something I want added to my m during this crucial stage.
Quote: If you are at the point in your sitch where you are still desperately trying to get your WA back then dating may not be the right thing to do as it may just complicate things.
Right on!
Quote: And while jealousy may be a great motivating factor intitially to get the WA to think twice it often does not make them fall "in love" again which seems to be the reason for leaving in most sitchs.
Well who would want to play second fiddle? Especially when the WA is hurting so badly and confused? To see the person that says they love them dating...wow that would be confusing and hurtful. I think about how I felt when I found my h dating....it threw some stuff in the marital mix like insecurity, distrust, in extra measure which did not help the situation at all.
Quote: but in my opinion I don't think you are ready nor wanting to truly "date" yet.
No I'm not ready to date mainly because my mind is still in the married mode. And though my h 'seems' to have moved on, I will maintain hope for the both of us. (yet if he's truly moved on then why is he going to mc and dating me? )
My MC recommended that I avoid treating my h like he is treating me. One of us has to remain on target and not resort to petty squabbling and tactics like not returning calls, being vague, etc. To resort to the same tactics would just pit us against each other and no progress would be made. One of us has to be the more loving, less assuming, benefit of the doubt giving, sacrificing their own feelings in place of validating the other, respectful of space person in order for the situation to be turned around. We can't treat the WA with the more of the same stuff we are getting from them! To me that defeats the whole purpose. DBing should be tempered with self-control, kindness, love, joy not bitterness and retaliation.
Maybe I'm just going too deep with all that Wiley, and Putter said...but this is what I've just recently realized and am attempting to change in myself...dating and retalatory tactics being the tip of the iceberg. If you get nothing from all this 'controversy' on dating, then at least get that you the LBS should not resort to using the same tactics as the WAs!
Quote: You state that truly letting go means not worrying about whether or not your S comes back and realizing that its Okay to move on with your life.
OK, I'll agree with that..
Quote: Yet you also infer that dating is a great tactic to get your S to stand up and take notice.
. Yes, I'll agree it may have that affect, if they care about losing you..
Quote: ..if you are viewing dating this way, then you can't say you have truly let go can you?
Thats where we differ. I can totally have let go, moved on, dated and found the new mate of my dreams without any wishful intention of it having an affect on my winning back my WA. Its not me dating, its how me dating is perceived by my WAW. If she catches wind of it, and all of a sudden she sees that I could be serious about someone new, and she all of a sudden wants to pursue or "work things out" because deep down she doesn't want to lose me, thats her choice. Then it becomes MY choice if thats what I still want. Or, she may not give a hoot if I'm dating, because she doesn't love me anyway or whatever, so be it. Letting go, is letting go of the need to have things work out in an M that is going south, knowing you're going to be fine no matter what happens. Personally, I'll date because I'm ready to start a new R. Now, if the repercussions of that miraculously has my W interested in me for whatever the reason, I can't control that, thats her feelings. I've still let go regardless, and any decision I make about her sudden advances, won't differ from any other important decisions I have to make.
Dating like any other advice on this board, is to be used with discretion. It may not be for everybody's sitch, nor will it fix what ails the M, its just happens to sometimes hit a chord in a WA that may just have them reconsider things, if they don't want to lose us, especially when "the book" isn't by itself helping to get your partner to reconsider. . You instantly become more attractive when you are sought by someone else. You instantly become more attractive when you are happy, confident, upbeat and in control of the sitch and your life outside the M. Thats just the facts maa'm... Nothing insures success, all I'm suggesting is giving you a fighting chance to stop a runaway train along with the other methods Michele has preached.
Good luck Cindy, I now you return your sitch to your fellow DBers..
