It just takes one day at a time, and before you know it, six months will go by, and you will wonder why you had issues. I'm restarting myself this month and hope to get to that point too.
Good luck with the teaching ... I am sure you'll be just fine.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Alright, I'm gonna make a proclamation. 18-19 months.
That's the time frame for me that it took to feel NORMAL again. Not that I don't still feel totally off, or abnormal, or messed up, from the fallout of the bomb and the divorce. The divorce fallout rears its ugly head all the time, like today, when I went to renew my drivers' license, and I had a freaking birth certificate, and 5 proofs of residence, and a social security card, and my current license, and I was told, "YOU NEED TO SHOW US A MARRIAGE CERTIFICATE."
Umm....nowhere online or in the letter you sent me did you say this. But apparently because my name changed when I was MARRIED in 1991, and it's different than the name on my birth certificate (though it is really NOT, all I did was drop out my birth middle name), I have to PROVE my name change. No matter that I could not possess a social security card with my married and current name on it, which could ONLY transpire if I had once been married, now I have to pay MORE money to get a marriage certificate, as the copy I have is not sufficient, nor are the countless forms of current ID that I have with that name sufficient.
Does XH deal with any of this? No.
Now my license says "NOT FEDERALLY COMPLIANT" across it.
And yet, it says it is "good" till 2020.
???
Just one more thing that does not close the chapter on the ugly part of my life...
But in spite of all that, there have been several moments of "normal" this week...which is the reason for my posting, that I'm thinking that close to the 2 year mark, you will begin to feel somewhat normal.
When I first came on this board, it was important to me that someone put a time frame on things if possible.
So this is what I'm doing. I don't know if it helps anyone or not, but it isnt' just me, I also read an article online that said that close to the 2 year mark, you begin to feel normal.
Hope that helps someone :-)
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
I haven't updated my own thread in a month, so I'm just here to update:
No interaction with XH and this is the best path for me (and I suspect it is for him too). I have fully let him go to live his life with OW and whatever happens with him happens. Another holiday (Valentine's Day) came and went and he's still not living with her nor engaged to her. She is a very jealous person and doesn't want him having interactions with me, but I don't know how long she'll accept his not making anything more permanent with her. This sort of shows me that XH is really incapable of any kind of deep relationship at this point in his life, and frankly, I'm better off without him if the most he can muster is to be someone's boyfriend.
As for me, I've been back teaching since January and very busy. I still have a lot to do on my book to meet the deadline of June 1, so my weekends tend to be filled with research and writing and the weeks with teaching. I'm not complaining, though. I am spending more time with new friends locally and very grateful for the interaction with them and with my students. I'm grateful for the sabbatical, and I think I like my solitude and spend more time alone than most people are comfortable with, but I really need a decent amount of face-to-face interaction with people to be at my happiest.
I am not dating anyone and not looking. If I by chance met someone terrific and we hit it off, I would not shy away from dating. My path just hasn't crossed with the right person (or persons) and I'm really not bothered by that. I met a woman 2 years ago who went for 9 years post-divorce before she dated anyone, and that used to scare me to death that that would be me. It no longer does, to be honest. I think there is a reason for this: I no longer put romantic relationships as "higher" or "better" than non-romantic relationships.
This was something that was my biggest personal challenge from day one of therapy, my unshakeable belief that of all the types of relationships one can have, that the romantic love relationship with "the soulmate" was the end-all, be-all of life, and that you only "succeed" in life if you have this. I was willing (and did, for a long time) to ignore or place much lesser value on platonic relationships with family and friends while I was married to XH because I just didn't think of them as important as my rel. with him.
Well, the thing is that he abandoned us--and my true friends and my family never abandoned me even when I wasn't the best sister or friend I could be. And that sort of made me see that what I have with other people is just as important as what I have with a romantic partner (or don't). My life is no less successful if I am single.
I feel very good to have dropped the old belief system because I was judging myself by it very harshly. When I stopped seeing romance as better than other types of friendship, I stopped judging myself for having "lost" XH's love. I didn't do anything to lose his love for me. I didn't fail.
On Valentine's Day, I decided to wear my diamond rings again. For good. I see so many women around me--particularly college girls, who are dumped and who retreat into themselves and feel ashamed that they weren't "good enough" to keep the guy around. I see them hide away the gifts they got--or in the case of those divorced, I see them put their diamonds away forever, as if they don't deserve them. I just see such shame. This is absurd. Granted, if you have to sell your rings to pay for a laywer, then do it. Or if you can't look at those rings without losing it, then sure. Put them away.
But when I look at my rings at this point, I see that they represented a time in my life when my XH was loving and true and treated me with dignity and respect. I see a time when XH was a giving person. I don't see OW or the pain he caused me. More than all that, by far, I see my own triumph at surviving this horrible loss and making a much better life for myself, a stronger career, better friendships, significantly better independence and self-sufficiency. THAT is what my rings now represent.
I put them on my right hand, and I have now in place of the "wedding" band the only ring I ever bought myself, which I bought with the first check I earned for royalties for my first book. Above that is my old engagement ring and upside down, my old wedding band. And I know it might sound silly, but when I made the decision to wear these rings in this set, I said "with these rings I wed myself." I can't tell you all how good I feel when I look at my right hand.
I'm a divorcee, but I'm a proud divorcee. I had a great life with this person I used to know, but it's over, and it's just the way it had to be. I wasn't going to grow with him. He wasn't going to grow with me. We had to be apart to learn new things. I have learned a ton, and I can only hope that he is learning something about himself in his new life. I have my doubts--he shows all the signs still of hiding from himself and running. Maybe someday it will end with OW and he'll really examine himself; maybe he will never have the strength. But I pray for him, every day.
As for me, I'm learning that women have every bit as much strength and fortitude as men, and that women don't need a man to find happiness. If that becomes part of their life, then terrific. But to me, that type of relationship no longer is the determiner of whether I am living a good life. What matters to me is if I am embracing what IS in front of me and who is in front of me, and so that's what I'm doing.
I think I want to be a role model now when before I wanted to be a wife. You know, I can affect one person's life, or I can affect LOTS of people's lives. I'd rather affect lots of lives than just one.
So having delivered a "novella" to all of you now, let me sum things up by saying I'm good, I'm really, really good :-)
Thank you all for being part of where I am today.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
I was wondering about my rings and we aren't even divorced...... One was a gift from my FIL after caring for my MIL through her battle with cancer. The other was my MIL's and I got it on the death of my FIL. My MIL was wearing it when we met, and I really always think of her when I wear it.
I've lost so much weight it only fits on my right hand, falls off my left. I will wear my rings anyway I want. 'Cause Antonia said I can!
I've been wearing my HS ring on my left hand. It fits perfect and has the shape and feel of my favorite diamond ring, which was stolen from me 8 years ago while in Seattle. It also hadn't fit in years, but now does!
Great 'novella' Antonia!
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
My ONLY concern with my decision to wear them was that I didn't want anyone to think I was "backsliding" into over-sentimentalizing a marriage which is no more. I didn't want anyone thinking I was pining for XH or losing the ground I gained in terms of accepting the outcome of his choices, because if I'd have chosen to wear them a year ago, it would have been a backslide. I didn't want people worrying about my mental state or worse, pitying me that I was still hanging on to him, because truly I am not.
I just don't have bad thoughts when I look at them and I just really am tired of these sort of "post-divorce rules" I've come across which say you can or can't do something, and as far as I'm concerned, these are pretty treasures I found in my bedroom last week and I like sparkly things, so if I want to wear them, then I will, and if I made you feel like it's ok for you to wear your lovely rings with pride, then my work here is done ;-)
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
Well, a bit of an update on something that I mentioned in early December...I had gone to this art gallery for a friend who had a show and met this guy who was really interesting and I just felt like I clicked with him. I was reading through some of my old posts where I mention him and it's so ironic what has ended up happening.
Basically several weeks ago I made a spur of the moment decision to buy his last book and read it, and I emailed him on the alt to tell him I really liked it. So then he told me he had just started a new job that was in my area (he lives an hour away) and said maybe we could meet for drinks sometime. So I said sure, and 3 weeks later, we met for drinks, and drinks turned into 4 hours of talking and dinner, and then he got home and emailed me to apologize that he'd had to leave early as he wanted to talk a lot more, but he did work the next day (and so did I) and maybe we could get together some day to have some wine...so I just did what I would do with any woman I'd met who seemed like good friendship material, I asked if he'd be into me making dinner some night and he said that would be terrific, and now we're just waiting on his schedule to see what night would work.
At this point I think we're becoming fast friends, which is really nice...and if that's all that ever transpires, then I'm cool with that. I don't have any really close single male friends in my area to go out with or enjoy things with, and I'd like that sort of relationship.
It is difficult not to get sort of caught up in things and wish for more, mainly because when I look back at my posts awhile ago where I talk about the type of relationship I'd want if I had one at this stage in my life, the fact is that without my prompting or asking he told me that he wants a particular type of relationship and it's exactly what I want. The compatibility between us on the "important" things is really very high. And I feel like I have known him a very long time and I've never got that sort of vibe off anyone I've ever met.
It turns out that at the same time I was going through separation and divorce, so was he...and his ex now lives in a neighboring state and they "tried the friend thing and it didn't work" so now they are fairly disconnected. And he has stopped dating because he said it seems like everyone he meets wants him to "stop doing all the things he is interested in and cut back on his hobbies and projects and just spend every waking minute with the other person", and he said it's so important to him that he remain the individual he became after his marriage ended.
You can see why this is all very attractive :-)
So I don't know if this will head anywhere romantic, or if it will be a friendship only, but the important thing I'm learning is that there clearly are decent guys out there who are mature and treat women with respect and care, who are not necessarily looking to just have one night stands and not looking for an instant marriage, but who want to create friendships and take things slowly, and it has been really good for me to learn this.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
A, I am so happy that you were able to meet someone who has restored your faith, if only a little, that there are men of quality in the world.
I am happier still, that you are willing to put yourself out there a bit.
Enjoy getting to know him, no matter where it leads. We can never have too many friends - especially ones that share our mindset and like the same kinds of things.
Antonia that is great! My mindset at this moment is I will be alone forever. I dont due the club or bar thing. I do go to Church but seems like the same folks there. I am dating a guy and have been for about 2 and a half years, but dont know what his intentions are and he lives in another state at the moment. (I live here in his home 15 hrs away). We rarely get to see each other. SO I dont know where we are headed. I do not want a long distance rel forever and have told him so, he can make NO promises,,,,so I dont know, sure is lonely. I am keeping my eyes open just in case. I am so dishearted at the moment. I am getting use to being alone, but I love company and companionship so much. Maybe one day....Maybe one day.
