The more I focus on my life, the less I focus on my W, the stronger I feel.
I feel like I'm coming out of this fog. I keep feeling amazed that I have been putting up with so much and am feeling good about the lessons I learned about myself. I feel like I will be so much more fulfilled in my life going forward.
I am starting to look forward to so much new opportunity in my life.
Last night I took my S13 out for dinner and then we went home and watched "Killer Elite". Just what was needed to get my mind off of a blown up M, a violent guy and spy movie. My two older sons and girlfriends made guest appearances so it was a great night. My S21 and his girlfriend (also 21) live with us too. She's lived with us since she was about 14 (her parents split and moved and she stayed with us so she could remain in the school system). She is the closest thing I have ever had to a daughter (I grew up with all guys, and I have all sons). We spend a lot of time together, she's in yoga with us too, so in a way I have some meaningful female companionship, which I miss.
Today I took an intense yoga challenge. I go to Bikram and the classes are 90 minutes in 110+ degree heat and 40%+ humidity. I did two successive back to back classes. The first class went well. The second class I survived but I was pretty dishragged out, and cramping up like crazy.
I guess one thing I have to get used to is thinking in terms of myself as "not married". Its a weird mindset for me. I've been a partner with her for 25 years and she detached from me. So now i am thinking about how I will live with my newfound understanding of myself, and with a brand new set of self awareness tools.
I don't know what this means. I see my W, I listen to her and interact with her, but I am not barely as tied to her as I was. A life without her is becoming something I can think about and at least know that I will have a great life going forward. I also know or suspect that I will have moments where I backslide into despair about it, but I do feel pretty good today FWIW.
