I think your interaction with your H was appropriate considering his behavior. I wouldn't dwell on it another minute.
And he really is being a jerk. If he wants to be involved in weening the baby off the pacifier then maybe he ought to consider the affect his behavior is having on the girls when he pops in and pops out, leaving you to pick up the pieces every time. I'm glad you let him have an earful of the screaming and crying. He needed to hear that.
I wonder what it would be like if you were to stop by his place for awhile when he has the girls and then leave abruptly leaving him to deal with the girls. Would the girls get upset? Might teach him a thing or two. Just say'n.
WRT the email, I think it is fine. I would suggest making one minor adjustment.
"I have not mentioned these instances because I dont want it to feel like I am putting them in the middle. (Or should I say IAnd I also have not mentioned these instances because I didnt want to upset you. However, Alanon has helped me realize that it serves no purpose to protect you from the pain)"
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
Then I sit through the meeting. And it changes again. I realize I didnt act perfectly but I acted reasonably and without anger. i dont need to apologize. I can recognize that my behavior wasnt ideal and next time I can maybe react differently. I realized H actions contributed to my negative feelings, I dont need to own the entire exchange. H needs to see that his role as a father is different now that he is not at home.
Yes! Yes! Yes!
I think your email, with 2's changes is good. No blaming or shaming, just facts.
H,
Initially when you mentioned having D3 see a child psychologist I was very reluctant. I did not want anything to be "wrong" with our perfect little girl. Maybe I was in denial. Every night she cries inconsolably for you. I always tell her Daddy loves you and you will see him soon but I need help as to the appropriate way to handle this.
I have not mentioned these instances because I dont want to put the girls in the middle. And I also have not mentioned these instances because I didn't want to upset you. But in keeping that from you I was not being honest and we both deserve, and should expect honesty in co-parenting issues. Alanon has helped me realize that it serves no purpose to protect you from the pain. I know that we both want what is best for them.
A therapist could help guide us with regard to work and also if we should even be considering taking away the binkies and bottles.
You and I can begin researching child therapists. When we find one we are both agreeable to we can schedule an appt and go from there. What do you think??
Bklyn
I think I would put a time limit on the research phase but give him some responsibility in this.
I'm usually not a good one to draft these kinds of emails because I seem to fill them with landmines. Thought I'd take a stab.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
"And he really is being a jerk. If he wants to be involved in weening the baby off the pacifier then maybe he ought to consider the affect his behavior is having on the girls when he pops in and pops out, leaving you to pick up the pieces every time. I'm glad you let him have an earful of the screaming and crying. He needed to hear that."
I agree with 2TP. Your H needed to see the reality of what he's doing to the kids. He can justify and rationalize that the kids are fine all he wants- but he can't ignore it when it's in his face.
I know how heartbreaking it is for you to see them suffer when he comes and goes. It shouldn't be your burden to carry, he needs to shoulder responsibility too.
Really proud of you for making new assessment of yourself and the sitch through your meetings.... I should try to get into one of those.
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
Sent the email this morning with some of the changes you guys mentioned. Thank you..
He responded at 11 which is prob when he woke up. "I agree 100%. I will go to the therapist. Let me know what I can do"
I am trying not to let his reasonable response send me over the edge. He is a monster and acts like everything is okay. I would cut off my arms for my daughters and my H wouldnt even try MC. I am heart broken.
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
agree w/ labug to remove that sentence. i know you don't mean to.. but it sort of sounds like you're trying to teach him a lesson.
ok.. bit of a tangent here.. my gf has been doing this.. "i feel..." with men recently (from a self help book as well) because the book suggests that men respond better to feeling messages (my gf is big into psychology stuff). just general things like.. (i feel so happy today! i'm going to the movies w/ my gf and it feels so nice.) she's had several taxi drivers turn off their meters because they enjoyed her conversation so much.
anyway.. my point being.. you could maybe put in feeling messages in your letter to H? like.. "i have not mentioned these instances because i feel like i don't want to put Ds in the middle..." just a suggestion.
(((( BK ))))
Me:38.. H:33. Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3 M:8.. together for 11. Bomb dropped:10/17/11 Separated:11/07/11
Brklyn - the typical runaway monster psycho fogged out crazy self absorbed spouses we have will not own what they have done to our families or kids. Are we supposed to handle our spouses as these fragile beings who need us to let them drop in and out of the kids lives as they either attempt to work out their issues, or continue down their path of destruction?
I'm musing here. I really don't know. If I have to place my bet I think they need to see all of its effects in all its ugliness. If we cover for them, it will be destructive for all, and in the end they will blame us for whatever problems arise.
Sent the email this morning with some of the changes you guys mentioned. Thank you..
He responded at 11 which is prob when he woke up. "I agree 100%. I will go to the therapist. Let me know what I can do"
I am trying not to let his reasonable response send me over the edge. He is a monster and acts like everything is okay. I would cut off my arms for my daughters and my H wouldnt even try MC. I am heart broken.
It's ok sweetie.
You wanted a reasonable response because this means Husband will support you in getting the therapies for your little girl. The reason the response was so reasonable, was because you carefully drafted, and it was edited with care by several posters, with the "hope" of getting your husband to agree with the therapies.
Now, Labug had you remove a little section that was not necessary to meet your "stated" goals in the letter (I really liked that little stinger at the end, but now see Labug was exactly correct). If that "blaming" sentence had remained, you may nor have got such a reasonable response.
So, what is the issue here? Probably the same issue I have with what you originally wrote about how your husband gives out his BIG advice on child rearing, and then walks out the door. All that I can imagine when I picture that image, is multiple ways to recycle the girls chewies, pacies, and sucky bottles.
Whenever you can score a touchdown with one of your perfectly written letters (edited by Dber's of course) don't get sad or mad, be glad & pat yourself on the back!
You did great! Now, don't you think it would be therapeutic, or, in the child's best interest, for her father to attend the sessions as well?
Married 27 Years Together 32 Years 4th Year of Separation; D-Day 1 = 9/08, D-Day 2 = 12/08 Divorce Final Sept. 17, 2012
Its great that my H wants our daughter to be a part of the therapy he is creating the need for. Doesnt going to therapy with our 3 year old trigger remorse.
Not in a great place today. Spending the whole day with my 2 darling daughters didnt help. It is too much sometimes when it is just me & them for a couple days in row. I need help. Running to the deli to get milk when we run out becomes a major ordeal. Everything is a big deal when its 2 aganist 1. It made me feel lonely and like a bad mom.
I have cut out the 2 activities D3 did because I wanted to take it easy on myself and thought I could get back to it once we got more into a groove. But its hard getting two demanding and can I say in the most loving way sometimes bratty kids out the door for any activity. Then once you get to the bday pray that they dont have a melt down. I freaked out on my D3 today when she crossed the street without me. Obviously she should not have done that but I felt overwhelmed shleping groceries and pushing the little one in the stroller.
Its constant cooking, cleaning and refereeing. I am exhausted. Tomorrow we go to my moms. Hooray!!
It aint easy being a single mom and as much as my two girls are angels my house looks like a tornado came through and we were outside half the day.
Feeling like a lousy mom.
Deep breath, okay now I feel better. Thks for listening y'all - back to mayhem
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
