Forgiveness

[SunFunOne]

Wow Antlers! She is a real piece of work. And I think your communication has been very straight forward and totally about your son.

I like the last email the best. Why? Because it came directly from you. Without wasting time getting input from all of us. You see - although that's not a bad thing - it is better to respond from your heart and without delay all the time. Not a knee jerk reaction but the truth is - we don't walk in your shoes. We only know what you've told us. But we don't know all the innuendos and details as you do.

It's great to get ideas here but then use them to handle things your way.

So = GOOD FOR YOU!

Barb

[figgeroni]

antlers
I suggest trying to set a meeting up with the key players at school yourself to brainstorm about some behavioral interventions that you might try to help refocus son

invite your ex

she may or may not show

but at least you will get some help dealing with your son's behaviors

invite the school vice-principal
counselor
key teachers

express your concerns

ask for help

give any facts that might help them relate to son better

open that door to communication

get everyone you can on that same starting page

don't paint ex as the bad guy even if she is and even if she doesn't show up

there is no bad guy...there are only facts

son needs an adult to take some control

you be that adult

[figgeroni]

and of course son didn't want to go to that meeting...he was going to have to face the music...who WANTS to do that???

[antlers]

He was found, after 'my' meeting was over. He appeared in the office where his mother was waiting for 'her' meeting. He attended the second meeting with her.

[antlers]

Thank you Barb. I appreciate your comments. It's a heartbreaking situation, and she appears so full of hatred and resentment toward me that she's unwilling to do the right thing for our kids.

[2thepoint]

He was found, after 'my' meeting was over. He appeared in the office where his mother was waiting for 'her' meeting. He attended the second meeting with her.

Well isn't that convenient?!? Your S leaves the impression that he is the perfect kid as a show for your W. Wonder if they called him out on missing the meeting with you? If not, they should have.

[SunFunOne]

Antlers: I like Fig's suggestion and totally agree. We KNOW that your ex is not going to do the right thing. I can relate (as many others here can). My ex did whatever was "all about him". I could not count on him for anything and that included what was best for the kids. So I always did and learned to keep "zero expectations" of him. However - having custody helped.

Get the school onside with you. Let them see that you are there and you are involved. Son needs to see this as well. Keep a record of what goes down. You might need that info in the future if you do have to go back to court regarding where son will live.

Just leave it be with ex now. You tried to get her support. She is not willing. Just don't let son fall through the cracks of the school system as a result of his indulged behaviour.

Barb

[antlers]

He was found, after 'my' meeting was over. He appeared in the office where his mother was waiting for 'her' meeting. He attended the second meeting with her.

Well isn't that convenient?!? Your S leaves the impression that he is the perfect kid as a show for your W. Wonder if they called him out on missing the meeting with you? If not, they should have.

They said that morning there would be consequences, but later on when they told me he was 'found', they led me to believe there would be none. I did question them as to why he was allowed to attend the meeting with his mom when he wasn't present for the meeting with me? They didn't respond...other than to say they wish it would have gone as they planned. His mother told me that son didn't want all of us to be in the same room at the same time, and that if she were as selfish as me that she would have gone along with what the school wanted!

[antlers]

I suggest trying to set a meeting up with the key players at school yourself to brainstorm about some behavioral interventions that you might try to help refocus son That's what this meeting was for! And she circumvented it.
invite your ex...she may or may not show...but at least you will get some help dealing with your son's behaviors...invite the school vice-principal...counselor...key teachers...express your concerns...ask for help...give any facts that might help them relate to son better...open that door to communication...get everyone you can on that same starting page She was invited, and she showed. The "team meeting" was all about opening the door to communication between us all and to get us all on the same page as a 'united front' to help my son and show him concern. All of the key players you mentioned were there. They expressed their concerns and I expressed mine. They asked for my help and I asked them for their continued efforts. This meeting was supposed to do everything you mentioned in your post...but it turned out the way it did.
don't paint ex as the bad guy even if she is and even if she doesn't show up
there is no bad guy...there are only facts...son needs an adult to take some control...you be that adult I have no intention of making her look bad; my intention has been stated clearly in many posts here and communications with her. I'm doing everything in reason that I can under the present circumstances.

[antlers]

Antlers: I like Fig's suggestion and totally agree. We KNOW that your ex is not going to do the right thing. I can relate (as many others here can). My ex did whatever was "all about him". I could not count on him for anything and that included what was best for the kids. So I always did and learned to keep "zero expectations" of him. However - having custody helped. It's a shame that she still has so much hatred and resentment toward me that it continues to affect our ability to do the right things for the benefit of our kids. She's "moved on" and has somebody else too. It'd sure be nice if things were otherwise. I still have hope that they can be.

Get the school onside with you. Let them see that you are there and you are involved. Son needs to see this as well. Keep a record of what goes down. You might need that info in the future if you do have to go back to court regarding where son will live. I've communicated a bunch with the school. They know the situation. I've got all of the e-mails and texts saved.

Just leave it be with ex now. You tried to get her support. She is not willing. Just don't let son fall through the cracks of the school system as a result of his indulged behaviour. It was an honest attempt, with the well-being of our kids THE priority.