Cyrena, yeah, I know that was a cop out with my XH, it made me furious at the time, and when I think about it too long it still does. And yeah, I know Roger is hell bent on justifying what he's doing to both himself and to me. Definitely why MWD says to ignore most of what they say lol.
Previously he had done some talk therapy. It gave him a lot of insights, and he learned some coping mechanisms and communication techniques, but I wouldn't say those issues were resolved really. If anything, the insights he gained made him realize just how abused he was as a child, not a comforting insight. In between then and now he mostly just tried to suppress a lot of the memories. That's why he's doing EMDR now.
The dog is being weird with her separation anxiety. She is missing him, very clingy when the routine changes, but is comfortable being outside when I'm home. So she whines and cries and scratches when I go to work, but when I'm home she's content to hang out in the backyard. So, the short answer is, no.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
A 43-yr old guy who has never married has got to have issues--but obviously you knew that! I guess the "good" part is that the late 30's/early 40's is when those who've never really dealt with childhood abuse are forced by their depression to finally confront it. Suppression cannot succeed as a long-term tactic. The bad part is, it's hard for them to do it in a R, and there's no knowing how long the process will take.
That said, my H's C tried EMDR as part of his therapy for MLC. My H insisted it didn't work--and yet a few weeks after trying a few sessions, he was coming out of his depression and ready to commit to our M again, so I was left assuming that it had influenced his thinking without his being conscious of it.
I hope your dog gets over the separation anxiety soon!
His medical problems are genetic (the Wiki article on Marfan's Syndrome is pretty good). It killed him mom when he was in college. I would say the two biggest factors in his never getting married are that he will not have kids because he has a 50% chance of passing it on and the fact that he did not see people having happy long-term marriages growing up. As an institution, he had about as little faith in it as I did after my D lol.
With the kids thing, I can't remember if I mentioned this, but he has had multiple ex-GFs say they were okay with not having kids and then change their minds later. It's a very sore subject for him and has been the reason for the break-up of several of his long-term relationships.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
So, I ended up saying something to him about how he comments on everything and invited himself along to one of my friend's activities: Don't you think it's mildly inappropriate to invite yourself along to my friend's activities after breaking up with me?
Roger: Are you speaking of the dinner in Napa? if you are, Kerri said that she is ok with hanging out. If you aren't comfortable I will cancel. She sorta asked me as well. I did tell her she had the choice to defriend me like your other friends since u and i are not together So... It's your call. If u feel uncomfortable about it then i will defriend and not go
Michelle: Actually, the Disneyland one seemed far more inappropriate, although much more likely you were joking. The Fazzerati's thing is a fundraiser, not really Kerri's. She sorta asked you what as well? And why would you put it on her to make the choice?
Roger: I was joking about the DL one. The Fazz was a fundraiser so yes any difference should be set aside and it gives me a reason to go to Napa since I won't be going for the next few weekends. As for her staying a friend. I leave it up to them. If they want to stay friends that's their deal. If u like I will defriend all of your friends since it's making you uncomfortable.
Michelle: What makes me uncomfortable is the fact that you can act like nothing has changed.
Last night he sent this out to all my friends and family that he was friends with on Facebook:
Quote:
HI all, Just a note to let u know that I am defriending all of Michelle's friends and family since we are no longer together. You are welcome to re-add me if you want but i leave that to you. Great luck to all of you in your lives and adventures . Cheers Roger
He did this in a mass message which several people replied to, including my sister and dad.
Quote:
(sister) 6:23pm Feb 16 What about Kelsy?
Roger 9:21pm Feb 16 It's the natural order . Kelsey sees me every other weekend
(my dad) 9:49pm Feb 16 What a way to man-up and tell everybody., I am very disappointed, Roger.
Roger 10:57pm Feb 16 Well Michael, it is up to her to clear the air. First policy is truth. If that an issue, then it is your issue.
Tiffani (ex-SIL)4:11am Feb 17 I'm also really sad to hear that. I really enjoyed spending time with you and hope you all the best
(my dad) 7:27am Feb 17 Well, Roger , what is the truth from your perspective?
My friend Lisette forwarded the message string to me this morning.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
I have no clue. Part of me thinks I should tell him that a mass message was inappropriate and he's overreacting. Part of me feels like I should just be dark. And part of me is too busy responding to the flood of texts and facebook messages from people asking WTF.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
You know, Michelle, whether it's the depression or the unresolved issues or the fear of commitment, at the moment he's really not capable of being a good partner. All that rationalizing and justifying and playing the victim who's being "forced" by you to do stupid things like group-unfriending on FB shows he's stuck in teenaged-la-la-land right now.
I agree with Mishka, your best bet is to have as little to do with him as possible (apart from the dog & money owed), because right now all his interactions seem designed to make you look like the one with problems. He's just not ready to start facing his own issues.
