Journaling: That last post was pretty depressing. I’ve spent the last week or so reflecting. I am pretty confident I have done what I needed to do to part from this experience with few regrets. I am certain someday I’ll look back and determine where I coulda, shoulda done something differently. For now I am not beating myself up over little things. I am not yet healed, but I am better. I cannot say I am done standing, but doing so dominates my thoughts no longer.
I admit to fantasizing about a sudden WAS awakening and an attempt to reconcile. The desperate emotions associated with these thoughts are no longer present. I have believed from early on that she needed that piece of paper to feel divorced. That she does not separate the emotional divorce from the legal one. That she filed probably is an indication she believe she is ready to move on.
Perhaps I should have rushed her to complete the process. Doing so upon her terms would have harmed me. Perhaps I did not love her to the degree she deserved to be loved. It is an odd thought for me as I know I would have laid down my life for her yet in this instance I was not willing to hurt for her. Perhaps this is due to her abandonment of the relationship and my sense of loss as that occurred.
Before the bomb I would look at our accomplishments with some satisfaction. After the bomb I would look at some of these same items with trepidation as things we accomplished together, and we’re together no longer. Now I look at these things and while the satisfaction is no longer present neither is the sense of loss, time to accomplish my things. I reviewed my goals list ticked off a couple of items adding a few more.
I need to become more social. I generally establish close bonds with a few people and keep others as associates. I’ll attempt to lower the intensity and be open up to a wider circle of friends. The mechanics of doing so will include the archery club, FB, and likely one of the veteran associated clubs in the area. All in good time as I heal. I’ll continue lurking here attempting to contribute, and this thread is not done yet.
This week I prepared for a work related meeting researching old emails. I would not recommend reviewing old emails from your spouse. I am amazed how loving our exchanges were even up to the bombing run.
I am confident I will be more than ok in this present and in the future. Life will throw some curves, but I will weather the storm. There is a lot of living yet to do.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
