So here goes, Monday was the first court appearance. It was intended to set a timeline and make all parties aware of their obligations to the process. Ohio is a no fault state so a D here is essentially the dissolution of a business partnership with financial support for some time following. It is what it is.
STBX’s L pulled my L aside before we were called and then they went in to speak to the bailiff. They put forward a proposal. The proposal they put forth from my point of view is a little better than the one we put forth in September. Why they felt the need to file rather than make the counter proposal is beyond me. Some unknown is hurrying STBX to settle. “This has to be settled by April” was mentioned. I have no idea why nor will I speculate. It is what it is.
It is oddly surreal that I am updating information I provided last year at this time debt, assets, mortgage balance etc., sort of a déjà moment. Though I am in no hurry I have already started and will finish sometime next week.
Emotionally I am pretty good. I have experienced some sleep disruption and vivid dreams, and I am having some difficulty focusing at work. So since I am not able to compartmentalize it I am dealing with it. I am writing the letter never to be delivered and GAL’ing. Nowhere close to JB’s intensity, but I did blow the dust off the old Nordic track since there is little consistent snow.
Just before I left the courthouse STBX asked I give her several items from the house. Her passport, a laminated newspaper article about her grandmother containing the Christmas Eve recipes, and the title to her Jeep. Her support friend asked me to be nice and provide her any items from the house that may have meaning to her, any personal mementoes. So I am left attempting to determine which mementoes may have meaning in STBX’s mind. Last October she took “everything” she wanted. I was surprised she left pictures of the children. So I am planning on scanning the pictures and boxing them up for her. I wish to speak with the children about it first though.
When I met STBX she had been estranged from her parents for about 3 years. During the time of our marriage she managed to lose some of the anger and we spent family time over holidays and family gatherings with them. There was always a wall there and I supported her. During this time she viewed an Aunt as more of a mother to her than her mother. When she moved out she moved in with her Aunt. After about five months she moved out of her Aunt’s house and into a mobile home she purchased. She has a new circle of friends. I know none of them. Her support friend at the courthouse seems to be her new mother. She seems to have replaced most of the people in her life that one would expect have meaning to her.
I realize most of this post is about her or how this sitch is affecting me and not what I am doing. I recognize there is a small part of my psych that is asking for assurance. This is out of character and harkens back to the beginning of this sitch.
To keep from wallowing I am reminding myself that I lived before my life with STBX. I am reminding myself of that life and the accomplishments I have achieved then and since are more than some, perhaps most people have.
I was not raised to be satisfied with the status quo. I was not trained to be satisfied with good enough, or to take the easy path, to quit on myself or others. So I will not stagnate at this point in my life for long. This chapter began closing when I stopped trying to rescue the relationship and started to shift the focus internally. I am working on what is apparent to me. I will continue to look for other areas to improve.
A good friend from HS suggested I get back into the game that I get back on the horse that threw me. She said "You could even start another family” Seriously??
I need to heal a bit. I need to have some fun. I need to discharge some responsibilities before sharing myself with another to the degree she suggests.
Tonight I will gather with some family members and celebrate my niece’s 21’st birthday. I am looking forward to it.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
@Val Thanks Val, It has been a rough week. The timing of this makes it seem as if I am reliving last year. I am better equipped to deal with the emotions, but I still feel them.
@KD Kaffe thanks for posting. I see you all over the board and got a lot out of the discussion in DG’s thread. Are you channeling Grit?? I do not understand your post. I even googled devolve and puzzled still I am. Perhaps I wasn’t clear in part of my post.
Journaling Thursday night I took the pup to his spa appointment. After they did his nails and the table was lowered he stepped off it and onto the floor before the staff unhooked his lead from the grooming arm. The grooming arm separated from the table at its weld point and startled him and the staff when it clattered to the floor. He is fine and the staff decided it might be better to keep him on the floor next time. I would be lost without this dog.
Friday night I helped celebrate my niece’s 21st B-Day. I told her she was having a better one than I did. We laughed a little over that story. (Editors note: JS spent his 21st guarding pallets of C-rations in the hold of an LPD before a deploying to a NATO exercise. Pointless as the Navy loadmaster arraigned for several pallets to be placed around a deck hatch large enough to pass cases of rations)
Saturday my niece accepted her intended’s proposal and announced her engagement.
Saturday and Sunday I ran mundane errands and signed paperwork enabling STBX to trade her vehicle in on the purchase of another.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
hahaha!!!! looking back at my post... I'm not sure I understand, either.... lol!
I'm pretty sure it was something to do with a certain "snarkiness" that you posted, towards your W which was entertaining... and I was suggesting not being openly rude to your W... or maybe it had to do with the party... I can't mind read, so we'll never know...
oh... devolve is the opposite of evolve... so basically, instead of moving forward, it's sometimes OK to take a few steps back...
I admit to frustration attempting to determine what mementoes STBX’s friend was referring to. I expressed that frustration here, and nowhere else.
Both children are in agreement with me giving their pictures to their mother. To explain each year around Christmas we would have a picture taken of the kids together. These hang on a wall just outside of the dining room and was a favored stop for STBX when she showed the house to visitors.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
I'm glad you are giving your w the pics. It would be so easy for you to keep them... out of punishment.
Kudos for you taking the high road.
It makes sense that your STBX's friend would say something like that.
Your STBX has done some pretty venomous stuff to you.. yet you do not retaliate.
This confuses her.
Your STBX is asking you to do a "love her" by giving those photos. Your response.. is to not only NOT retaliate, but to say yes. To say that "Even though you have hurt me, I will choose to love you in this instance".
This confuses her.
Whether a WAS admits it or not.. they fear that we will punish them for what they have done. Deep down in the depths of their soul, the EXPECT us to retaliate.
Not because they believe they are wrong (but they might) but because it is human nature to defend when attacked. Most people hurt back when they are hurt.
We all have very selfish tendencies.. and IMHO - those tendencies come to the foreground in situations like these.
So as much as your are frustrated, try to realize that the comment is NOT because you haven't shown time and time again that you will not punish her.....
It is because she is fearful that one day, you will.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
@Val I know she is fearful, and after 30 yrs I have so many way to punish, but what would the point be. Doing so would not empower me or improve my mood, quite the opposite would occur.
I would rather move forward than look back. Becoming vindictive would require me to dip back into the past and present publically something designed to injure or embarrass.
Withholding something for the sole purpose of injury would only cement her conviction she has chosen the correct course.
So I look forward. For a time doing so was an act of revenge. I harbored hope I could live such a stellar life, and be such a stellar person she would realize her foolish mistake and attempt to unite once again. No longer.
I will move forward, I will live my life for me, not in the hope she will awaken, but to be true to who I am, and who I will become. I am certain she will one day question her decision. I may never know, and if I do become aware of such then I will consider if another fork in my path should be taken.
I have been blessed with a past that has shaped my present, before me lies the future. Where I go from here is solely my decision.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Journaling: Finished up gather the information and statements for the L three days ago. Sat on them for two days. No sense waiting for the court to rule I need to supply this information so I took them to the L yesterday.
I was home early and daughter came by. We spoke and later went out to a local shopping mall just to get out and be around people.
Another step in the process. It feel like pealing a bandage slowly.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Journaling: That last post was pretty depressing. I’ve spent the last week or so reflecting. I am pretty confident I have done what I needed to do to part from this experience with few regrets. I am certain someday I’ll look back and determine where I coulda, shoulda done something differently. For now I am not beating myself up over little things. I am not yet healed, but I am better. I cannot say I am done standing, but doing so dominates my thoughts no longer.
I admit to fantasizing about a sudden WAS awakening and an attempt to reconcile. The desperate emotions associated with these thoughts are no longer present. I have believed from early on that she needed that piece of paper to feel divorced. That she does not separate the emotional divorce from the legal one. That she filed probably is an indication she believe she is ready to move on.
Perhaps I should have rushed her to complete the process. Doing so upon her terms would have harmed me. Perhaps I did not love her to the degree she deserved to be loved. It is an odd thought for me as I know I would have laid down my life for her yet in this instance I was not willing to hurt for her. Perhaps this is due to her abandonment of the relationship and my sense of loss as that occurred.
Before the bomb I would look at our accomplishments with some satisfaction. After the bomb I would look at some of these same items with trepidation as things we accomplished together, and we’re together no longer. Now I look at these things and while the satisfaction is no longer present neither is the sense of loss, time to accomplish my things. I reviewed my goals list ticked off a couple of items adding a few more.
I need to become more social. I generally establish close bonds with a few people and keep others as associates. I’ll attempt to lower the intensity and be open up to a wider circle of friends. The mechanics of doing so will include the archery club, FB, and likely one of the veteran associated clubs in the area. All in good time as I heal. I’ll continue lurking here attempting to contribute, and this thread is not done yet.
This week I prepared for a work related meeting researching old emails. I would not recommend reviewing old emails from your spouse. I am amazed how loving our exchanges were even up to the bombing run.
I am confident I will be more than ok in this present and in the future. Life will throw some curves, but I will weather the storm. There is a lot of living yet to do.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Just don't be rude... 
