Thanks for your post! I have to say that I'm throughly confused.
Quote: If you only had the wherewithall to start employing the same exact mindset towards him as he does you, you might find him pursuing you a little more, which has to happen before you save anything.
If I go with h's mindset, he gets PISSED! Like what happened last week...now it's over cause I was vague, not returning his calls immediately!!! So what gives with that?
Quote: I don't see where you pose any challenge to him, and I guarantee he sees that as a weakness, its just not attractive, and very very seldom do we commit our hearts to someone who doesn't attract us emotionally. He's probably more bored than anything, he knows what he's got in you and he's maybe looking for more, I'm not sure, but it could be..
I ask for affection but rarely when I'm with him...I do admit that he knows where my heart is but I do not beg. If he refuses, well I'm still happy in his presence, like it doesn't bother me.
H says that if I get it, like what I told him last Friday....that I know he works hard, that I need to be more appreciative of him, that I need to be content with what he is.....he said this is WHAT I NEED TO GET for this to work. He seemed to be unsure if I was going to maintain my level of gratefulness of him, my compassion for him in order for him to even consider coming back. If I turn again to being vague, going out with om, etc...won't this negate this? Won't I be showing him that I'm not getting what it is he wants? He's told me what he wants, I need to be consistently giving him that, right? I mean it makes no sense to me to throw what he wants right back in his face and say well I'm going to treat you just like you are treating me to SHOW you I can be without h. I think he knows that without a shadow of a doubt I can be without him....to need him is a 180, to show gratefulness for what he's doing, is able to do is a 180. Our marriage was me as Ms independent...he knows I can make it alone....our first 6 years while I was in the Army he saw me raise our 2 small boys alone without asking for any help from him. I was so independent he was scared to ask me to marry him because I would turn him down...I did and didn't marry him until 4 years later.
I must admit that in recent years I have become a stick in the mud, not much fun, very focused on the kids, church and school activities...at the detriment to my marriage. Not putting my h first. That is what he wants to be first with me. By trying to be unattainable won't that just drive home how much I don't need him?
Or maybe I'm just totally wrong...but shouldn't I do what he is asking me to do? To treat him like a man? To respect him, to involve him in my life now, to realize his job is hard and he's tired, to take him at his word when he says something and not read into it, etc.
Quote: 1)Act like you've let go of the need to have it work out, just let go of it, period. Oh, don't get me wrong when I say I'll just die if he leaves...that is how I feel but that is not how I act when I'm with him. I appear very nonchalant, happy, I make overtures of affection but if not returned well I go on. I do think I need to wait until he initiates contact again though he seems to indicate that I need to just invite myself over and gets pissed when I don't! Totally pyscho...not sure if it is him or me though! 2) Act and be happy at all times. Yes, I do even as he's shrugging me off. I just hang up or go home. 3) Act and be confident and mysterious at all times. I'm confident in that I don't get all bent out of shape if he doesn't want to be with me. Though to be mysterious only pisses him off....that is his complaint I'm too vague when he asks my whereabouts. 4) Stop doing anything that relates to any form of pursuit or pressure IMMEDIATELY. It NEVER works Ok, no more dates, no calls, etc...I'll stop doing those things. It hurts to hear him say no all the time. 5) Do not talk about the MC, your M, or the R, unless he brings it up. Treat it like the plague. We have not talked r since last Thursday night. 6) Act like you are DONE. You're not taking any more of the screaming, belittling, blaming. No more sleeping on any floors or anywhere near him for the time being. Ok, was doing the no sleeping with him thing but the counselor said I should cause that shows love to a man and plus we are married. My h did get mad cause I didn't sleep with him for 2 weeks...was so mad came to my office to get mad at me. Said I didn't want to see him but I swear he didn't ask me over! 7) Start dating, look what happens when he sees you with another guy. Doesn't have to be serious, but go out with other men and enjoy yourself. He probably won't come back until he sees you're giving up on him and entertaining other possibilities,, Oh, I go out...every Friday, Saturday night with guys from the office, sometimes with a guy friend to the movies. But since h and I do not move in the same social circles it would be hard for him to see me in that context. He just happened to run into og when he came to get the boys...it was purely accidental. SHould I maybe arrange more of those type meetings? I know he's planning on a night out this Saturday night, 8) Go dark and work on yourself. Don't be too accessible when he calls and starts wondering. Don't change you're approach if he blows steam, just keep consistent. Always act happy and content with your life, whether he's in it or not. Give him every impression that maybe splitting up IS the best thing to do, otherwise it wouldn't be this tough..
