I'm glad that alaskangal and holdingon made it over here to you! They're giving you some great comments!
Yes, you know what to do, 'cuz you've done it before, and have done it well! Do get back and look at what you've done that has helped you towards your goals, and keep doing more of it!
It really is tough to put your wants and needs to the side all the time. It can seem that it's never ending, and leads to a lot of frustration. However, I'm pretty confident that with your H, the more you space you give him, the closer he'll draw towards you, and be more willing to meet some of your needs.
Hang in there, and keep doing some outside of the R type of stuff for YOU!
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
I got too close to h...forgot to take care of me. Thus I was stressed, tired, not eating, etc...just didn't keep up the PMA while with h. Got too focused on h which led me to FREAK out and start assuming all kinds of wild crap. I've yet to get a good nights sleep and have lost 6 pounds in 2 weeks.
You are right I've got to step back and make this about me...forget about the d date, forget about what my feelings are to him, etc....get out and have fun, be fun to be around when I'm with h.
You are right he does enjoy my company, he does ask me out. For some reason I just got down, started seeing nothing but negative and spiraled all the way out of DBing. Even the mc said I'm trying too hard.
Quote: Honey, you've become impatient. And impatience is a killer. It is a killer for your PMA and it is a killer for your M/R.
You are right! I can't wait for this to be over!!!! I want my life to go on, you know? I bet you know what I mean.
Quote: ust enjoy being together for now, let that be enough. No R talks, no testing the water.
Right again. I need to be grateful for where my h is at now. He has come a long way. In my self centeredness I lost sight of how far he has come. I need to let this be enough. And get a life when I'm not with h.
Thanks, holdingon! After my talk with h last night, and some heavy thinking during the long hours of the night, I'm back on track. Hopefully, prayerfully my h will come back on board too.
Quote: I hear and see that you are angry. I am sorry that you are angry because of ...... I don't like to see you so upset. Is there something I can do to help you feel less angry?
My h didn't actually respond with any suggest as to how I could help him be less angry but just by me saying this it diffused a lot of his anger. Took the wind right out of his sails!
Thanks! Glad I read your post before talking to him.
Thanks for your words of encouragement. I fear I have lost my way because of the level of fustration I reached because of my unmet needs. But you are right...as soon as I started to EXPECT my needs to be met and when they were NOT I was pissed. That was my mistake...expecting stuff from my h. BIG NO NO right now.
My h is right in some respects...i need to chill out and have fun with him. You know men are really simple creatures...NO REALLY, they actually mean what they say. They don't double talk like gals do . By h saying for me to chill out...he's not negating my feelings he's just trying to the fixer he is/solution oriented, I guess.
did you win big? Tell me all about YOUR big weekend! Glad you are back!
I'm having FUN! Though kind of worried about h...he seems to be trying to not get too close to me. I did manage to get to see him this weekend but he made it hard with comments like whatever you want to do, come over whenever, whatever you do is fine, etc. He refused to sit next to me on the couch when I invited him. After that I sat on the couch watching the movie while he sat in his chair. Then he went off to bed and the boys and I stayed in the living room. Eventually lying on the floor became painful so I went to our bed. h immediately came over to my side . Well you know .
We spent the day as a family at his suggestion. I was ready to leave by 10am but he wanted to go buy the boys' their soccer gear so went then had lunch together. H left us at 1:30p so that he could go to his counseling appt.
MC says h is still unsure about the divorce which I guess is good. MC said he gave h some things to do for the m and had him look for my changes and be encouraging. I shot off an email to MC asking for things h may be looking for as far as changes. MC encouraged me to follow the advice in the book "proper care and feeding of husbands" and to trust God. Not much else I can do since my h has free will...he can do whatever he pleases.
It's hard. I'm unsure how to react to h's attempts to not get close to me. Is he just testing me? Or is he just using me and going into d day and doing the d thing for sure? Kind of like stringing me along? Oh, the worst thoughts are in my head. I will just die if he leaves me... .
I'm so scared, Brian. I think it is encouraging though that h has our couple photo from the company christmas party in a frame on his nightstand.
Brian, let's plan our party for this coming Friday night. Maybe we could catch a movie together after happy hour ! Got to stay busy you know? till later...
I did not win big. I was happy with the way I threw, but it was nothing spectacular. Of course, considering how poor 2003 was for me in darts, this was a step up. Most events I won a round, then lost a round, which makes me better than half the people there.
As for your H, try not to stress about it. He's probably just as scared as you are, and just as lost. Sometimes us guys will do nothing when we're not sure what to do. So, just keep your side up, don't expect changes from him, and see what happens. Maybe you set expectations for his changes, and he had other ideas, and then you clashed. Just sit back, enjoy your time with him, enjoy your life all the time.
I am definitely looking for something to do Friday. Low-key, like a movie, sounds good to me.
Well sounds like you are becoming quite proficient in darts. I'm glad you enjoyed yourself.
As for my h, yes you are right. I'll just be happy, enjoy my time with him. As long as he's unsure about what he wants I have a chance.
It's so hard to wait, and not know what will happen...I want it so bad to be fixed!
I'm emailing my attorney today to find out how late I can submit a dismissal. If my h doesn't decided by the first week of February what he wants...then I'll go with what I want and put in a dismissal on the d.
A movie I wanted to see this weekend: Mind Hunters with Val Kilmer. Are you game for action or comedy? I could look up a comedy movie....
Haven't checked in on ya for awhile, glad your having FUN, you sound pretty cheery today, thats good. Its important to keep a positive mindset in the eye of the storm..
Despite all the great advice you've been getting, I can almost assure you that until you really make a headstrong change in your own behavior towards your H, you'll continue to see him keep his distance. You mentioned in a previous post how he feels 'pressured", thats the biggest red flag you can get, you have to stop any and all kinds of pressuring/pursuing, even the slightest bit sets you back, because it reinforces in his mind that you are not "getting" whats happening between the two of you. Rather than letting go, to many of your actions are designed to "try and make something happen" and of course, you don't get any reaction out of him, its not attractive to pursue a person who is pulling away or not sure of what he wants..he'll stonewall you every time. Lets look a little closer..
Quote: He seems to be trying to not get too close to me. I did manage to get to see him this weekend but he made it hard with comments like "whatever you want to do, come over whenever, whatever you do is fine,etc.
See what he's doing?, he's being a little indifferent and less than enthusiastic, non committal, kind of distant..and YOU"RE WORRIED. Now lets suppose that you wised up and started letting go yourself, and started behaving in a similar fashion to what he's been, and turn it up a notch by acting happy, perfectly ok with whatever, not sure what YOU want for a change..Ya think he might get a little curious or nervous JUST LIKE YOU ARE?? Wouldn't it feel better to be in the driver's seat instead of worrying about him distancing??
Quote: It's hard. I'm unsure how to react to H's attempts not to get close to me.Is he just testing me? or is he just using me..
No disrespect, but I'm chuckling to myself as to how clever a WA he really is. You see Cindy, he's doing all the things that have you flustered and not sure, and concerned and the like. If you only had the wherewithall to start employing the same exact mindset towards him as he does you, you might find him pursuing you a little more, which has to happen before you save anything.
Quote: Oh the worse thoughts are in my head, I will just die if he leaves me...
I feel for you Cindy, but I'll be honest, I read that and I see a woman who isn't strong enough or confident enough in herself to really, really do what it takes to draw a WAH back towards her. I don't see where you pose any challenge to him, and I guarantee he sees that as a weakness, its just not attractive, and very very seldom do we commit our hearts to someone who doesn't attract us emotionally. He's probably more bored than anything, he knows what he's got in you and he's maybe looking for more, I'm not sure, but it could be.. Like Michelle says, act like a victim, you'll be a victim, just look at whats happening to your sitch. He's pulling away seemingly without much remorse, and you're trying to hang on, not a good position for you to be in, this close to a court date. I'll prescribe to you yet again what I wish I'd done alot sooner as well.
1)Act like you've let go of the need to have it work out, just let go of it, period. 2) Act and be happy at all times. 3) Act and be confident and mysterious at all times. 4) Stop doing anything that relates to any form of pursuit or pressure IMMEDIATELY. It NEVER works 5) Do not talk about the MC, your M, or the R, unless he brings it up. Treat it like the plague. 6) Act like you are DONE. You're not taking any more of the screaming, belittling, blaming. No more sleeping on any floors or anywhere near him for the time being. 7) Start dating, look what happens when he sees you with another guy. Doesn't have to be serious, but go out with other men and enjoy yourself. He probably won't come back until he sees you're giving up on him and entertaining other possibilities,, 8) Go dark and work on yourself. Don't be too accessible when he calls and starts wondering. Don't change you're approach if he blows steam, just keep consistent. Always act happy and content with your life, whether he's in it or not. Give him every impression that maybe splitting up IS the best thing to do, otherwise it wouldn't be this tough..
If you can do this for the next couple of weeks, perhaps you'll see some positive moves out of him. Its worth a try because right now he has you right where he wants you, he's confident in himself, not worried about the M, if he gets a D, no biggie, he'll be fine. You have to get to where he is at mentally, then you become more than a passing notion to him and less of a doormat to his freedom.
I'm talking tough and I apologize, but the clock is ticking and are you really any better off than you were three weeks back? So, maybe its time to drop all the R books, take a look in the mirror, get strong and live life to the fullest. Thats how you give yourself a chance.
Hope you decide to take matters into your own hands and let it all go..Doesn';t mean you're not hoping things don't turn for you, its just accepting that they may not and you'll be the better for it eventually.
Thanks for your post! I have to say that I'm throughly confused.
Quote: If you only had the wherewithall to start employing the same exact mindset towards him as he does you, you might find him pursuing you a little more, which has to happen before you save anything.
If I go with h's mindset, he gets PISSED! Like what happened last week...now it's over cause I was vague, not returning his calls immediately!!! So what gives with that?
Quote: I don't see where you pose any challenge to him, and I guarantee he sees that as a weakness, its just not attractive, and very very seldom do we commit our hearts to someone who doesn't attract us emotionally. He's probably more bored than anything, he knows what he's got in you and he's maybe looking for more, I'm not sure, but it could be..
I ask for affection but rarely when I'm with him...I do admit that he knows where my heart is but I do not beg. If he refuses, well I'm still happy in his presence, like it doesn't bother me.
H says that if I get it, like what I told him last Friday....that I know he works hard, that I need to be more appreciative of him, that I need to be content with what he is.....he said this is WHAT I NEED TO GET for this to work. He seemed to be unsure if I was going to maintain my level of gratefulness of him, my compassion for him in order for him to even consider coming back. If I turn again to being vague, going out with om, etc...won't this negate this? Won't I be showing him that I'm not getting what it is he wants? He's told me what he wants, I need to be consistently giving him that, right? I mean it makes no sense to me to throw what he wants right back in his face and say well I'm going to treat you just like you are treating me to SHOW you I can be without h. I think he knows that without a shadow of a doubt I can be without him....to need him is a 180, to show gratefulness for what he's doing, is able to do is a 180. Our marriage was me as Ms independent...he knows I can make it alone....our first 6 years while I was in the Army he saw me raise our 2 small boys alone without asking for any help from him. I was so independent he was scared to ask me to marry him because I would turn him down...I did and didn't marry him until 4 years later.
I must admit that in recent years I have become a stick in the mud, not much fun, very focused on the kids, church and school activities...at the detriment to my marriage. Not putting my h first. That is what he wants to be first with me. By trying to be unattainable won't that just drive home how much I don't need him?
Or maybe I'm just totally wrong...but shouldn't I do what he is asking me to do? To treat him like a man? To respect him, to involve him in my life now, to realize his job is hard and he's tired, to take him at his word when he says something and not read into it, etc.
Quote: 1)Act like you've let go of the need to have it work out, just let go of it, period. Oh, don't get me wrong when I say I'll just die if he leaves...that is how I feel but that is not how I act when I'm with him. I appear very nonchalant, happy, I make overtures of affection but if not returned well I go on. I do think I need to wait until he initiates contact again though he seems to indicate that I need to just invite myself over and gets pissed when I don't! Totally pyscho...not sure if it is him or me though! 2) Act and be happy at all times. Yes, I do even as he's shrugging me off. I just hang up or go home. 3) Act and be confident and mysterious at all times. I'm confident in that I don't get all bent out of shape if he doesn't want to be with me. Though to be mysterious only pisses him off....that is his complaint I'm too vague when he asks my whereabouts. 4) Stop doing anything that relates to any form of pursuit or pressure IMMEDIATELY. It NEVER works Ok, no more dates, no calls, etc...I'll stop doing those things. It hurts to hear him say no all the time. 5) Do not talk about the MC, your M, or the R, unless he brings it up. Treat it like the plague. We have not talked r since last Thursday night. 6) Act like you are DONE. You're not taking any more of the screaming, belittling, blaming. No more sleeping on any floors or anywhere near him for the time being. Ok, was doing the no sleeping with him thing but the counselor said I should cause that shows love to a man and plus we are married. My h did get mad cause I didn't sleep with him for 2 weeks...was so mad came to my office to get mad at me. Said I didn't want to see him but I swear he didn't ask me over! 7) Start dating, look what happens when he sees you with another guy. Doesn't have to be serious, but go out with other men and enjoy yourself. He probably won't come back until he sees you're giving up on him and entertaining other possibilities,, Oh, I go out...every Friday, Saturday night with guys from the office, sometimes with a guy friend to the movies. But since h and I do not move in the same social circles it would be hard for him to see me in that context. He just happened to run into og when he came to get the boys...it was purely accidental. SHould I maybe arrange more of those type meetings? I know he's planning on a night out this Saturday night, 8) Go dark and work on yourself. Don't be too accessible when he calls and starts wondering. Don't change you're approach if he blows steam, just keep consistent. Always act happy and content with your life, whether he's in it or not. Give him every impression that maybe splitting up IS the best thing to do, otherwise it wouldn't be this tough..
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! Got to stay busy you know? till later...
