New to the forum and first post....also the first time I've ever told anyone about any of it. My wife decided to move out from our home to give herself some space to work on her issues. I'm at the house with our son trying to figure out what has happened. From the beginning...my W and i met in college. Shortly after dating for a few months she started to open up to me about a horrific event that happened to her from the age of 9-12. She never really was specific, but overtime and as our relationship grew she shared that she was molested by her uncle for a period of 3 years. It was about as bad as it could get...RBTL. I listened and was supportive and encouraged her to see a therapist who could help her through the process of healing. She did and after a year of therapy decided to have her Mom come to a session so that she could tell her. After telling her Mom the first thing that her mom said was "we can't tell anyone about this". Quite possibly the worst comment that could be made. Shortly after her Mom finding out she decided to end the therapy. On top of the abuse, she was scared of her father who had a drinking problem. He never hit her or verbally abused her, but intimated her. As a young child she has memories of knowing when her parents were arguing and just fading into the background. Never trying to start the argument or cause tension.
Things were good for some time and after college I proposed and we married the following year. With the events that occurred in her life I was always cautious with trying to really focus and hear what she was saying. She wasn't always direct. I tried to protect her from things that were stressful such as paying the bills, being with large groups of people, being alone for long periods of time. I noticed that a pattern started to evolve each year where she would sink into certain aspects of depression (sleeping, anxiety, weight loss) but then snap out of it. During these time I tried to encourage her to speak about what was bothering her but she seemed withdrawn. For about 3 years it progressed then for a couple of years there were no problems.
We decided to try to have a child and did so. A baby boy who brought immense joy to our life and continues to every day. After the first year, the symptoms of depression returned during the late summer months and then especially during January & February. Each year, getting worse. She went back to a therapist and started to talk to me about my work schedule and she felt she couldn't speak to me about problems and didn't understand our finances. We started MC, I changed my work schedule to reduce my hours. I also worked on my listening skills and encouraged her to participate in bill paying and understanding our finances. She was very happy with our progress and the following year was outstanding. We decided at that time that we would try to add to our family.
Three months went by and she had missed her cycle. We took a pregnancy test and she was pregnant. I was elated, running around the house happy as could be. I came downstairs to see her crying. I asked what was wrong and what she divulged next nearly destroyed me....She had said that for the past year she was being sexually harassed at work by her boss. That he had started with befriending her, than sexual jokes, then to trying to brush up against her. She said he never touched her, but she was terrified that he might. She said she thought she couldn't handle the pressure of pregnancy and having another child and that I talked her into trying to have a baby. I was dumbfounded. The following day she broke the news that she wanted to have an abortion. She said it was her fault and that she just couldn't talk about anything because what had happened to her and that I was a great father and she wanted my support. I couldn't actually tell her I wanted her to do it, but I told her I wouldn't stop her and that I would support her and be there for her. She went through with the abortion and following that we went back to the MC to discuss what had happened and address the sexual harassment at work. The situation at work was addressed and her supervisor removed.
Two years have passed. The doctor prescribed lexapro for her that she had taken daily up to 6 weeks ago. The medicine really helped control her extreme high and lows. She stopped therapy, but about 4 months ago returned to a specialist that focuses on adults who were molested as children to confront the sexual abuse by her uncle that she never really confronted directly.
16 days ago she told me she wanted to move out to focus on herself and her issues. She said she loved me, was in love with me, but had to fix herself so she could continue to be my wife and a mother to our son. The night before she left she was loving and romantic, RBTL, and told me things would work out. After being gone for 3 days she came to the house to tell me that she stopped taking her lexapro 6 weeks ago cold turkey, that she has been upset with me for 10 years over topics that go back to when we were dating. Also that she moved out because of our marriage and not her issues. She wouldn't share any specifics, but said that it was her issue and that part of the issue is that she can't tell people what is bothering her. She said she is considering a permanent separation, but that she has no idea what she wants and maybe she even wants a divorce. I am willing to do whatever it takes to save our marriage. I know that many of her issues have been caused by her childhood and what her uncle did to her and how her father was. I want to be supportive and have blamed those two items for many of our problems, but I realize that I'm not perfect and could be a better husband to her. I don't know where to turn, what to do, or how to act towards her. I just have focused on making our son's life as normal as possible. Lost and broken hearted would be how I would describe myself....
It sounds like she has gone off her meds and fallen into a deep hole.
Sorry but you will not be able to help her until she hits the bottom of the hole and starts back up.
If you try that is called enabling.
Let her go.
Sorry you are on moderation. Post often and in small bursts on this thread until the thread gets to 100 posts and before you know it you will be off of the time delay
Posting to others will get you off of moderation quicker.
I am going to ask Cadet to put some links up for you to read.
For now, take some time to learn all that you can.
Slow down, relax and breathe.
Time is your friend right now. She has admitted that these are her things to figure out. And as hard as it is, you have to stand on the sidelines while she does her work...
She did and after a year of therapy decided to have her Mom come to a session so that she could tell her. After telling her Mom the first thing that her mom said was "we can't tell anyone about this"
This is what is so horrible about this tragedy. She will carry this the rest of her life.
The people who were/are supposed to protect her didn't/don't.
Her self esteem suffers from this delibilitating blow.
AND
There is not damn thing you can do to fix it.
This is a topic I know well but I am not an expert you should probably read up on this if you haven't. You will see similarities in cases of childhood sexual abuse and they can range from moderate to severe. I would never say it can be called mild. It is not mild and it will never be. It will never go away until SHE deals with it.
She is by what you tell me still in the victim stage. There is hope and help. There is a book called "spouses of survivors of sexual abuse" or something to that affect. You can find it if you search.
She has to decide to move from victim to survivor.
Then to thriving.
Originally Posted By: Syc
I tried to protect her from things that were stressful such as paying the bills, being with large groups of people, being alone for long periods of time. I noticed that a pattern started to evolve each year where she would sink into certain aspects of depression (sleeping, anxiety, weight loss) but then snap out of it. During these time I tried to encourage her to speak about what was bothering her but she seemed withdrawn. For about 3 years it progressed then for a couple of years there were no problems.
This is also a pattern.
Sycamore there is a lot of stuff to take in here about your situation and I could go on...
The most important thing for you to understand is this:
YOU DID NOT BRAKE HER AND YOU CAN'T FIX HER.
Originally Posted By: Syc
She said she loved me, was in love with me, but had to fix herself so she could continue to be my wife and a mother to our son.
I believe she does. And she desires to be and feel normal getting there is difficult.
Originally Posted By: Syc
I am willing to do whatever it takes to save our marriage.
The best thing you can do right now is going to be counter intuitive and that is to detach from her. This will be hard because you will want to save her and fix her as you have wanted to do all along.
Maybe Cadet can post the link to the detachment guidance.
Look at my thread in MLC forum it is long and it started with "W has PTSD from childhood sexual abuse" was the title I think.
Let me know if you can't find it. I think it might help you to see yourself like me when I first got here.
Know that she doesn't feel worthy of you or her family and don't be surprised if you see her living "beneath" herself because of that.
How old is your W right now?
Was there a traumatic event recently that trigerred this or has she been having dreams/flashbacks?
Are your kids reaching the age she was when the abuse started?
Keep posting. You are in the right place and I will try to keep up with your thread.
Hang in there.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process. (Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what she says and 50% of what she does.
I would not ask her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. GAL. Eat, sleep and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO. Use the time that your W has given you as a gift to start to work on yourself.
I really appreciate all the responses and support. Truegritter....My W is 32. There has not been an event that W can point to nor one that I am aware of. I assume that W is having some flashbacks or nightmares as this time of year has always been an issue. Our son is not at the age that the child abuse occurred. I have been working on trying to detach myself and focus on me. It has been difficult and I have failed on a few days. But the last 4 days have been good. When she texts I reply optimistically and stay positive. I haven't been calling or asking about what she may be doing. I've been cautious even to ask about her day. You pin pointed the massive blow with her Mom. I may be the only person that knows how much that hurt her. You also pinpointed that she is still in the victim stage. I believe that she is aware of it too. I know her focus has to be shifted to survivor.
Thank you for all the terrific information. I will start to read the post and the other links that were posted as homework. Thank you.
Cadet, Thank you for all the links. I will spend time and review each one. I take lots of deep breaths and unfortunately find myself in tears far too often as I do. Now, time to get to work and gain some knowledge. I'll post my questions as they come up.
Another situation I'm struggling with....the whole separation for the most part is a secret. W and I discussed that we not share it with our friends and only a few members of our family are aware. W hasn't complained about our marriage to her friends or even stated we have had a broken marriage so it is hard for W to say that there are issues now. I don't know how to handle the situation and if I should speak with my close friends about it, many of whom are her friends too, or if I should honor her request of keeping it quiet. The most difficult part is that W has said that we can't speak about the child abuse so the marriage and our relationship must be the focus if others are to know. I understand that the abuse is not my secret to share....It's confusing.
The most difficult part is that W has said that we can't speak about the child abuse so the marriage and our relationship must be the focus if others are to know. I understand that the abuse is not my secret to share....It's confusing.
Yes it is confusing and just know that she still likely feels a lot of shame about this.
I cannot urge you enough to read all you can about this and its effects on women as they become adults. The more you understand the easier it will be to detach and have compassion for her.
There was a coping mechanism she used as a child to get throught the trauma which actually was healthy to develop at the time of the abuse.
It just doesn't work when they become adults...
The thing to keep in mind is
This is a REASON for her bad behavior and choices
it is NOT and excuse.
So you need to protect and take care of yourself and your family.
How are you doing?
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
