My Sitch/any better ideas than going dark?

[Mach1]

I am really starting to think in my heart it is over, regardless of what I do.

Once again.....didn't "thinking" get you here ?

I think the girls took care of almost everything I wanted to say. : )

74,

You certainly spend a LOT of your words here, talking about how SHE did this or didn't do that....

You spend very little of your words here, talking about your things.

It comes out as being really glossed over, and with a side of superiority.

I'm not convinced yet, that it is a verb-age thing, or if that is really how you really feel.

All I see, is that you SAY that you are a better person, yet you blame her for when your actions fall short of that.

There is a saying around here about having your words and actions match....

How do YOU think yours do ????

[labug]

I own up to the mistakes in my marriage and have tried to atone for them in every way possible. There are pro's and con's to every situation, and I have righted my wife and stepchildren way more than I have ever wronged anyone.

There is is the 'yeah, but' again. If it weren't for W an SC, you would be perfect. I see that because I understand it, I was also a victim of everyone else and couldn't they just see how wonderful I was, the sacrifices I made...all for them.

But it was all for me.

DBing is not as hard as you might think. When the S tells you they are done and walk out the door, our job is to say God-speed and LET THEM GO. The next thing we should do is take our own inventory and get to work on ourselves.

The R may be saved, it may not be but at least we have not squandered a great learning opportunity.

We will come out the better person. But we have to let our false-self go.

That's the hard part.

[Broken74]

Thanks Rick, Cat, Mach1 and labug, I really appreciate you guys feedback.

I think my words are coming off a certain way because I have went from the “woe is me” mode to basically being ticked at the situation at this point. I think this is for a variety of reasons. I neglected to mention that on Valentines day evening I spent some time reviewing the offline cache of the correspondence/naked photos/conspiring between her and the OM on how to get me out of my marital home while I was living in it and my wife was telling me that she loved me. I am sure this is what made stupid enough to hit the send button on the stupid Valentines picture.

Here are the key things that I did wrong in the relationship with my W since meeting her face to face for the first time in 2/2009

1) During a period of time while it was implied we were dating exclusively I was involved with other women. This came out, we discussed it, and it was supposedly forgiven. Come to find out obviously not given statements she made on Monday of this week.
2) On a handful of occasions, by my recollection about 5, I was verbally abusive to my wife.

Aside from other normal “nagging” issues that are going to exist in any marriage, that is really the gist of it. There was no excuse for my verbal abuse and obviously it was a big deal because it pushed her away.

On the other hand, here is a list of things that I did right by her and my stepchildren to try and make them happy.

1) Loved and praised them unconditionally, frequently.
2) Put her car back on the road when the engine blew out in 5/2009.
3) Helped repair and sell her home and pull her out of bankruptcy. The children used to share a bedroom. I purchased a 5 bedroom home that allowed her to sell hers and close the bankruptcy, get the kids their own bedroom for the first time. This is the same home that her and the OM were conspiring to get me out of.
4) Financed 22k worth of plastic surgery to make her happy on 5/6/10 (15 days before we got married) on the guise that we would pay it off together. She thought it was fair that I got stuck with this and the remainder of all marital debt when she left.
5) We got married on 5/21/10.
6) Supported the children financially since their biological fathers wouldn’t. Did the best as I could as a stepfather in general I never said anything negative to the kids, helped with homework, spent time with them but I could have done better.
7) Started a 529k college fund my 3 stepchildren where one didn’t exist previously.
8) Bought her a new car for her birthday in August 2010
9) Made all of their Christmas’s/Birthdays/Other holidays since 2009.
10) Took them on vacations and showed them places they have never seen before.
11) Bought her the BMW she had always wanted for Christmas 2011 (WHILE SHE CONTINUED TO CONTACT AND SPEND TIME WITH ME DESPITE THE RESTRAINING ORDER THAT SHE PLACED ON ME)

These are just some high level things that spring to mind. I have piles and piles of emails from her saying how she felt about me at different times even up to the point she started talking to the OM.

So when you look at these bullet points, how am I not supposed to feel like I am the one who was wronged here? Do 5 episodes of drunken tirade trump the positive list of things I’ve done and others? And the other thing I really haven’t touched on IS THAT SHE ALSO VERBALLY ABUSED ME AND HIT ME ON TWO OCCASSIONS. In all honesty those things didn’t bother me because I know that in the heat of an argument people will say and do things that they don’t mean.

Rick,

Thank you for your support . The statement that I think she is a fool for leaving me I will stand by. I will never be verbally abusive, toward anyone, ever again. I have drank my last drop of alcohol. By her own admission I am going to be a great partner for whatever woman I next build a R with. She believes this and so I do, this is the primary reason I think she is a fool to leave. If she does however, that is her prerogative and I will be just fine.

Cat,

I think that she and I are both victims here. She was a victim of my verbal abuse. I am a victim of her manipulating the situation for significant financial gain. It is what it is, the more I break this down logically the easier it is to deal with it.

Let me talk about the restraining order lol. On October 8th, I took my two stepsons to a band competition that one of them was in. When I came to our home (I had been staying with a friend at the time) with dinner for the kids, the laptop that I had bought for her for school was on and I was going to check my email. Low and behold there was active gmail account up that she had created, with over a months worth of proof of her elicit affair. Naked pictures traded, sexual discussions, plans for a weekend trip after she had tricked me out of the house. Here is an excerpt from one of these exhanges:

This is from 9/7 while I am at home sleeping and having sex with her and we had not discussed any separation agreement. “Dating is going to be difficult until I get out on my own or have a legal separation agreement in hand. Because of the change in living arrangement, I now have to get serious about how I need to handle things from a financial perspective. Problem is you came along before that, but the reality of my situation still exists. If you were not a piece of this puzzle, I would continue to live here and coexist with this man until December. Part of the reason I pressed to move to ****** was to get full custody of my kids and get them out of such a messed up environment”.

I find out who the other man is, send him emails telling him to call me and leave my wife alone, I would hate for these naked pictures to be posted around his office since he’s a bigwig liver research doctor etc. etc. etc. My W was supposedly at a bachelorette party this night. I told her I knew everything, I forgave her, and to please come home to discuss this. The OM dumped her as a result of my finding them out, she was upset by this threatened to kill me etc. I was calm cool and collected and just wanted to work things out. She came back to the house with the cops saying I had been threatening her etc, they forced me to leave, and then she blasted a bunch of lies to get a restraining order on me. This was done out of spite because I busted up her affair, Period.

What got me in trouble was after she had moved into her new place, I went by there and there was a Mercedes in the driveway. Because of the university stickers on it I knew it was the other man’s car. Since the jerk would not man up and call me of his own free will, I knocked on the door, walked in and introduced myself. I think he pissed his pants because I’m sure he thought I was about to kill him, but I didn’t touch him. I said my peace, the cops were called, I spent Halloween night in jail and learned my lesson in this regard. My wife started contacting me again shortly after this saying they were just friends blah blah blah and given what happened since I believe that is true.

After the above episode I violated the restraining order because my wife was contacting me in spite of it. She had me come over to house to help with some things while she was moving and we slept together on the carpet because the furniture was gone. We spent time together on Christmas and spent new years eve together, in spite of the restraining order. We went between to Virginia and New York car shopping in the face of the restraining order. I was willing to risk the legal ramifications of it to try and work on our relationship.

So do I think I am above the law, no, do I think the restraining order was BS from the start, yes.

You all are right about the OW and new R at this point. I have told her that I need to figure things out on my own right now, that we can be friends and nothing more. I agree with everyone’s points on this as she doesn’t deserve to be hurt either. I was grasping at straws and doing the wrong thing with the jealousy play, but I think if there is a manipulative prize to be won in all of this my W is certainly going to get it.

I know that material possessions are not important, but I mean they do count for something. I certainly did many “material things” to try and make up for my verbal episodes, but everything else was done out of love to try and make them happy and their lives better.

Mach1

You’re right about my thinking. My own ideas in this space have caused me nothing but more problems. So if I decide to do anything else besides put them out of my mind entirely, it will be adhering to the 37 rules/DB techniques going forward.

I still haven’t fully explained my sitch I don’t think. It is so incredibly messed up it is really hard to explain. Everyone whom I have told the entire story from says RUN RUN RUN. My family, my friends, OUR former pastor, the guys that I talked to in jail after she decided to put me there…

My things are:
1) I WAS a drunk at times
2) When I WAS a drunk I verbally abused my wife

That is what I am guilty of. I am also guilty of trying to do everything in my power to make them happy. The love we had was so incredibly special, I still look over the old emails and correspondence and can’t believe that all this has happened.

The only thing I am guilty of in recent months or that has been negative in any way was my sending the stupid sad Valentine’s picture, and entertaining the idea of this OW. I can’t do anything about the former, but I have about the latter.

I don’t think that I’m better than anybody else, but for some reason the way I relay my thoughts it seems to come out that way. I am a salt of the earth guy with many friends who will give me the shirt off my back. They were shocked to hear that I had been verbally abusive to my W when I told them the entire story, and still advise me to run for the hills given the situation in total.

I seem to be better at lists, so here are my actions to date:
1) I STOPPED drinking, period, end of story
2) Have done nothing but do nice things, say kind words, and express love and kindness towards my W and SC in recent memory.
3) Worked on my relationship with god
4) Volunteered in my community
5) Worked hard and maintained my career in spite of my personal life being in absolute shambles
6) Spent quality time with my family and friends
7) Attended, learned, and actively participated in domestic violence classes and learned that I had abusive tendencies in the past. I am wholeheartedly cured from this, and am still convinced if I had not been drinking none of this would have happened.
8) Read my bible and too many self help books to name.
9) Working out regularly and trying to eat right to get in top physical shape.

labug

Thanks, I appreciate your input. I am far perfect and know I will never be perfect. I am a nice guy who makes mistakes like everybody else. If I was not an alcoholic I would not be in this situation now. I agree the concepts are not hard, I understand them all. I have 4 copies of the 37 steps strategically posted but have failed in implementing them in so many ways, I should write a list of the Bizarro 37 steps... lol But I think I am at the point of no return now though. Continuing to emotitionally invest in what is seemingly hopeless is hard for me. I know that's why I have to drop the rope.

So again, I am doing the best that I can, but nothing seems to work. I have been dark for two days now, and am going to continue that because it is my only option and as per the known working methods what I should have doing all along, in addition to actually heeding the advice I sought out.

I do need to continue to work on the fact that I am hard headed and think I can fix everything because obviously I can’t fix this. With all this I have a new list of things to do:

1) Delete and don’t look at the trail of tears/evidence that I have documenting her elicit affair.
2) Adhere to the LRT
3) Don’t entertain any other females
4) While doing 2, determine if I actually want to divorce bust. Maybe things are just too fargone and I need to accept that. Everyone I know personally who knows the story tells me to run, but I still can’t do that. That’s what makes me know I truly love this woman.
5) Work with a DB coach, I called last night and got a message I am going to set up an appt today.
6) Continue my list of actions above

Geez, sorry that was incredibly long. Thank you all so much, your input is so incredibly helpful. I want to provide help to you guys and others but am a little gunshy since I still obviously don't get it... God Bless you all and I wish you well in your respective sitch's.

[Broken74]

Check one item off the to do list, I can't wait to talk to DB coach Cheryl on Tuesday at 1pm! I will report back on the experience after hopefully having the LRT branded into my thick skull...

[Broken74]

Putting the work in, set up an IC appointment today as well.. I have maintained no contact but am struggling tremendously... I'm GAL but she still consumes my every thought even though I am trying to shut her out. If anybody has any suggestions/coping strategies I would greatly appreciate it. A couple of jaegerbombs would do it but I'm not going there...

[labug]

You're addicted. You just need a hit and everything will be OK for awhile. Until...you start to get jumpy, feel like you're skin is crawling and you have to call or text her, just to hear her voice and then everything will be OK. Until the next time.

I think you made the statement that you aren't codependent. But have you read the book Codependent No More?

All I know is what you write here but from what I've read you are not even out of one relationship before you start another. And I quote: "I haven't been without a woman in my life in one shape or form in the last 15 years." It seems you don't take the time to really get to know the person or if the situation is good for you (a 35 yr old guy with no kids goes into a R with 3 step-kids, there's a match made in heaven). And you are immediately trying to fix her and her situation and her kids. Those are all laudable things but only if 1)They want to be fixed and 2)doing those things comes from the place of unconditional love. And that means you don't expect anything back for the giving of it.

Do you feel like you look for women you can save? Perhaps saving makes you feel better about yourself and perhaps you think if you give enough they won't see or won't care about whatever it is you don't want them to see.

Keep digging at the stuff that makes you uncomfortable because that's the only way to get rid of it. This sh!t is so ingrained in us that it sometimes takes a sledgehammer and jackhammer to get it loose.

[Mach1]

74,

Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

I still haven’t fully explained my sitch I don’t think. It is so incredibly messed up it is really hard to explain. Everyone whom I have told the entire story from says RUN RUN RUN. My family, my friends, OUR former pastor, the guys that I talked to in jail after she decided to put me there…

For me, you have explained yourself quite well..


I used to read here, and watch people get 2x4's for things, and I would sit and wonder why they got a 2x4 for that ?? The person swinging the wood just didn't understand what was going on, and the poster should have just taken more words explaining their actions...



And what the purpose was of me finding this site, if people didn't want to hear about my wife.

How could anyone understand how much I loved my wife, that wasn't me ?

The things I did well in my marriage ?

*I took HER dreams, and I made them reality for her

*I gave her everything she could ask for, before she actually asked

*I told her how wonderful she was everyday, and I told her how muched I loved her

*I helped her learn the right way to do almost everything

*I kept track of everything, so she wouldn't forget

* I fixed everything , so that it was perfect for her



So how in the hell did I end up here, in this place, with all of these people who just don't know me, or understand me ????


Answer that for me 74....

[Grmpy_Mnky]

^^^must be a cyborg...

[Broken74]

Thanks again labug, Mach1, and Grmpy

Sorry for my delay, I was busy GAL today and not near a computer. Played some golf and caught up with boys today and had a blast. Not stressed about doing as I would have been 6 months ago nor was I feeling rushed to get home. Quite nice actually!

I have been doing a lot of retrospection for the past couple of days… When I keep looking back on the relationship in total I am starting to take in consideration that perhaps W just really wasn’t the person I thought she was and just totally played me for a fool. Although I don’t want to believe it, logically that certainly looks quite plausible. I’ve maintained no contact, haven’t heard anything out of her.

Labug, Thanks again for your feedback!

You’re right, I am addicted and really want to talk to her, but I’m not going to. I can tell I am feeling better with each passing day, but when she eventually contacts me it will drag it all up again and put me on the coaster.

I haven’t read codependent no more but I’m going to pick it up. Yes I did say I didn’t think I was codependent but looking at my trends maybe I am after all. I’ll do some further research in this area. You’re right about my prior relationships.

You raise a very good point in “a 35 year old guy with no kids goes into a R with 3 step-kids, there’s a match made in heaven”. Let me add to this that I have never wanted kids of my own. So really what kind of sense does that make? The more I think about Divorce Busting, the more I think about this and maybe need to come to the conclusion that the M itself was a huge mistake.

As far as taking things on, I did those things out of the goodness of my heart (or some things as restitution for my verbal tirades). I never expected anything back in return. At the same time I never expected to get stabbed in the back, have our marriage vows trampled upon, and then her bounce and leave me holding the entire economic bag (debt) of the marriage while she just walked away.

I definitely have the white knight syndrome. I don’t know why. Maybe you’re right. I will say that I do think that some of my behaviors I thought were justified on the basis of all the other “things” I did, which was certainly not the right way to think. E.G. Don’t whine about my drinking, look at x, y, z that I’ve done recently.

Mach1, Thanks again for your feedback!

I need a 2x4 just as much as the next guy! Lol

I assume you are asking those questions/providing the information from your marriage. Assuming that is the case I want to add the disclaimer that I mean no offense by my opinion. I haven’t yet had the opportunity to review your sitch in total, but am assuming any negatives would be within reason.

I would say that our W’s apparently have some things in common and don’t have their heads screwed on straight. They didn’t appreciate what they had in their H’s and they made tremendous mistakes. Given what you said it sounds like you are a great H, and I know I was a great H minus my drinking and verbal abuse, and coming up short as a stepfather although I wasn’t even afforded the time to learn the role. I own up to my mistakes and I’m sure you do to. That doesn’t change the fact that I know my wife is making a tremendous mistake and I am certain one day she will realize the same thing. Maybe they are leaving “just because they want to”. Maybe that’s the deal I just can’t see what that should happen to anybody. Given what I was stepping to I certainly was committed, maybe she just wanted the piece of paper so she could make sure to get a nice cut of the assets.

I think we both ended up here for the same reason, that our W’s jumped off the tracks for some reason. Mine may have set me up from the start. The whole pushing my buttons enough over Christmas to work out the BMW is really chapping my hide at this point. What kind of person would do something like this? Is calling somebody a gold-digger verbal abuse when they behave like she has? Jury’s out on that one.

Man have I got a lot of thinking to do. I just paid for three divorce busting sessions and now I am at the crossroads thinking is it even wise for me to continue down this road.

I could carry on on my own and have to worry about me…. Or I could carry on with her, who has disrespected me more than any human ever has, worry about if she is going to desecrate our vows again, and carry on the responsibility for three children who will never see support from their biological fathers, while being affected by any positive or negative decisions that they make… I’m starting to think it’s a damn shame that I love this woman and my stepkids so much, otherwise my logical brain would have a relatively easy decision here.

Today is my 38th birthday, and I doubt I will get any type of acknowledgement from her. If that happens, that is really going to go a long way with me… Maintaining darkness won’t be a problem at all if that happens, and I may pick up the BMW and my stuff in her garage and wish her the best of luck to boot. Man I’m so sick of this mess…

Thanks again and good luck to all in your respective sitch’s!

[labug]

You will hear it said around here that we start this DB thing to save our marriage but end up saving ourselves. It's like the 12-Step groups, you may come in blaming another for your problems but if you really work the program, you turn the focus on yourself, realize your role in things and then work to and change the only person on this planet you have the power to change-you.

You, too may get there.