Yes, that is what the MC said I need to detach. I'm so focused on h again that I can't even get my PMA up. I'm so close, so stressed, so worried it won't work I take every little thing h does when we are together and magnify it. Even the scowl on his face worries me .
The MC said my h and I come into his office on different days, of course, and complain about the same behaviors from one another! You are right we have some of the same attack and defend attitudes. It's pathetic but I am the only one right now willing to change or can see that change is necessary to the r. Afterall I can only change me and my response to h.
I think the stress of having 30 days to make it work is pushing me to a point where I just blow up in h's face! It's hard to detach knowing that I have a limited time and not even knowing if what I'm doing will work. My h is causing some of the stress by not telling me it is working! Cause my changes are working....H DOES WANT TO STAY MARRIED!!!
The MC was mad at h also for not Doing anything to reassure me because h did come in there and say he was serious about making this work. MC said well that's the trouble you are not voicing that to Cindy and it's making her stressed. My h just doesn't talk to me...and I guess that is because I'm so busy getting carried away by assumptions I don't listen.
This whole thing is making me just plain crazy!!!! I feel like just yelling!!!! I run on my treadmill every night,,,I mean run my ASS OFF...lost 3 pounds in a week! But still I feel like AAARRRGGGHHH! You know?
Don't focus on the 30 days, don't focus on the divorce. Focus on what you need to do to save your marriage. Take care of yourself, show your H you'll listen to him. If he's yelling and screaming, don't get drawn in. Later, think about what he was yelling about, and see what you can do different to prevent his rage. Learn what you can do to be a better wife for him, but don't be a pushover.
As for parties, well kinda. But it's in Houston - dart tournament, which means a hotel ballroom with a bar.
Well I hope it don't rain in Houston for your sake.
Quote: Don't focus on the 30 days, don't focus on the divorce.
It's hard with it looming ahead so threateningly...it sets me on edge. I find myself trying SO HARD cause it is there. I can go for quite some time without it getting to me (3 weeks) but when my h starts in on how I can't do this and that right it hits....I think to myself how can I fix this in x number of days and the pressure on!
I guess I'm just trying too hard. I need to have fun and quit worrying about it....I mean really I can't make him come back. I've changed so much, I'm 35 pounds lighter, I got a new wardrobe, I'm fun, I got lots of friends...I mean I have so much more going for me than I did pre-d...I need to be more confident about ME. And if h don't come back well then I'm marketable m material, right?
Quote: he's yelling and screaming, don't get drawn in.
I'm doing lots better here...I don't get mad at the same time like pre-d. I try to talk it out when he's yelling but since that isn't working next time I need to walk away (like I did when he came to the office). I'm also going to let him know from now on when rude behavior offends me.
Quote: Later, think about what he was yelling about, and see what you can do different to prevent his rage.
Yes, the MC mentioned this...that some of my retalitory behavior is causing h's rages. Like my not returning his calls right away, not listening to him talk, defending myself, avoiding him, etc. The MC said I need to learn the basic rules of marriage (ie, spouse top prority (return calls immediately), spouse needs to know where you are, be very clear with expectations) and to play nice (sometimes the right thing to do will be the hardest that's a clear indication of what needs to be done).
Quote: Learn what you can do to be a better wife for him, but don't be a pushover.
I agree that I've been a pushover...so fearful of d that I've let my h walk all over me in the way he talks to me. Continued counseling will help with the being a better wife bit...cause my h ain't helping me there, he don't talk .
Quote: dart tournament, which means a hotel ballroom with a bar.
Hope you win BIG $$$! And have lots of fun.
The MC actually got h and I tickets to the football game on Sunday! Think I may go to the movies tomorrow just to get out and be busy and of course get a good laugh. Ben Stiller's new movie is out this Friday.
Hey there....well the marriage counselor seems to be giving you some good advice. Thanks for telling me to stop by and read it.
I got a call today and acted as if...that seemed to be going fine...when I asked if he wanted to talk R...he said he was busy and in the midst of working on a job he would like to complete. I respected that and let him get off the phone...I actually said good bye first and told him I would call him later this evening if I wasn't too busy. Am wondering now....I guess I should call him. Put spouse first. I was going to fake too busy. I will not initiate r talk though.
I think you are doing a great job. I understand how you feel and my H is very similar to yours in some ways. Mine does not go out to bars or out with the boys at all though...he just stays home all the time and vegs out to sports ...unless he is furious with me and then he takes a trip to go ice fishing with his relatives in Minnesota!
I don't have any words of wisdom for you other than this that worked for me way back when with my angry spouse...
When he is yelling and screaming say things like this...
I hear and see that you are angry. I am sorry that you are angry because of ...... I don't like to see you so upset. Is there something I can do to help you feel less angry?
It sucks at first...but it Did work for me..way back when...and I am going to start trying it again...it's sort of giraffe jackal conversation...you are the gentle giraffe ...he is the angry jackal...you talk him down and let him feel listened to...he becomes a giraffe..sort of...he will never be as empathetic and caring as you LOL...but he will become less violently angry if he feels you are hearing him and validating his feelings....
good luck...it did work way back when for me...
hugs...Akgal...
PS...You get my Working To BE A Good Spouse...Not a Mistreated House Mouse DB'er for Today AWARD .....you are not a pushover and you deserve to be respected...we all do....Hugs and prayers coming out atya...
Well I called h to apologize for being pushy and not listening to him. I said I was tired of fighting, wanted someone else to take over and tell me it would be ok. I asked him to go to the movies with me.
Well he called me back said he didn't want to go with me any where since he is still pissed at me for not listening to him last Tuesday! Said that I need to just chill out! Do what the counselor says...stop pressuring him, chill out.
I said fine I can chill out if you'd just act like you are happy to be with me when we go out and touch me outside the bedroom. He started to get angry and said he was not going to listen this bs right now. I said please I'm so lonely.
God I was pathetic. Finally h said that I needed to decide if I was going to show progress or not! That I only had a couple of more weeks to show any signs of improvement. I said I don't see how since I can't get from you what I need.
Well I guess what he's asking me to do is to not expect anything, not need anything like conversation or hugs or a happy face looking back at me. Just a rude, non conversational, introvert...is what I'm going to get.
Is that what I should do? Just go along with what he wants? Do whatever he wants? I just don't know what to do. He's mad cause I've been so silent this past week, I don't call him, I'm too vague about my whereabouts (though he doesn't really ask me he expects me to disclose info...like the guy I was talking to...he didn't ask me who it was nor made any overtures like he had anything to say to me but I needed to come over there and talk to him...I just needed to KNOW that automatically...is this another basic rule of marriage I'm not aware of???), With these expectations he has...do I just do those? And forget about me?
I'm so lonely I could die...I want to be wanted. It's hard to be with him like this not getting my needs met. He assumes that just by asking me out, having sex with me and watching movies together that I should be satisifed. Should I be?
I'm so confused, I have not idea what to do, what is right, who's right, nothing. I have no directions. I thought if I do the right thing which is give him what he wants I could get my needs met...but no. Should I make it all about him? Forget me?
Make it about him for a while...and see if he doesn't come around....mine was coming around and I messed it up....but I had to do that...kiss his butt in a lot of ways ...but only when I felt that way..when I did things for him because I wanted to and because I wanted things to work...then I felt good about me and us...and he started doing nice things for me....just my two cents....
I've come to that decision this morning that as hard as it is I need to put my needs/wants to the back burner. It's just driving me crazy to try to get them met right now anyway...he ain't buying it. So I'll give them up for now. And go back to not expecting anything.
Boy do I need some fun. Going out tonight!
Alaskangal, thanks for your help. I seem to be a little more in control this morning. Ijust got wrapped in me...loosing sight of the objective...to be married not right.
Cathy!!! Thank goodness you said you would make it all about H for a while... otherwise, I'd HAVE to hit you! Are you DBing or BDing? (bringing on divorce) Your divorce day is not D-day... stop pressuring yourself and your H by thinking you have to have everything all wonderful by that date. One day at a time! And I don't think you extended the olive branch... you may have stuck it out there, but then you hit him with it!
Quote: I said fine I can chill out if you'd just act like you are happy to be with me when we go out and touch me outside the bedroom.
He is telling you what he needs... he needs space. YES, SPACE, the dreaded, ugly word. But he needs some.
Quote: I said please I'm so lonely.
I'm thinking this sounds a BIT clingy and needy. What do you think??
Cathy... YOU are the reason your R has gotten this far. You committed to DB and you turned your R around. You met with a MC and he gave you some ideas, and you jumped in full force...
Except your H was overwhelmed. He wasn't ready. It wasn't his time to be fixed yet. He wants to take it slow.
You WANT to fix it, you WANT your M, you WANT the R... believe me, I know. You SEE the light at the end of the tunnel and you want it NOW. Honey, you've become impatient. And impatience is a killer. It is a killer for your PMA and it is a killer for your M/R. You cannot force your H to feel a certain way when he is not capable, YET. You cannot hurry him along. YOU KNOW THIS.
You DO know what to do, you were doing it. Look at what was working, go back and read your thread, it is all there. You have to be completely selfless RIGHT NOW. You have to make it ALL about him RIGHT NOW. Because he is not going to make it about you, Cathy, not yet. But your time will come. You just have to heal the M first.
You can do this. How do I know? I watched you do it before. You had such hope and faith in your R. Then the MC made suggestions and you started pressuring your H. Just enjoy being together for now, let that be enough. No R talks, no testing the water. If he enjoys being with you, enjoys your company, and you his, well, that is a beginning. Your H is not stupid... he will see that as progress and he will stay in the M.
Hang in there!
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
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