feeling like giving up.....former DBing against OW

[imthemom]

He just signed up for JV Football and we are really excited about that...conditioning doesnt start for awhile though, but it will be a great distraction for him this summer...from how its looking I dont think his D is going to step up, I have a feeling he is going to disapear all together once this stuff comes out sunday...he may act like its no big deal to him, but he knows this is going to change everything and there is no way he will be able to face it...he hasnt dealt with anything, I cant expect him to all the sudden step up and deal with this.

Yes, i have talked to him face to face and he says all the right things...and then never follows through...its a waste of time.
I have to say that its true that there is always some good that comes out of the bad stuff...my S28 has really stepped up to the plate and been there for my S14...now this is not common behavior for him, he has his own issues from his D not being there for him and has a history of being pretty flakey and all around irresponsible. n his own, decided to step up and do what ever he could for his brother and has been there for him. He came up last night and talked to him and it really helped..they go back in his room and talk and he even told S14 that if he started getting it together and staying out of trouble and not "hassling" me, he would give him an allowance for doing his chores...Im so proud of him and have actually seen it benefiting him as well..his self confidence has had a major improvment since hes started being there for his brother. Im so proud of him...Hes comeing back tonight to take S14 to the movies while I go out with some friends...we both need a night off from this.
My S14s C had recommended that he make a list of the questions he wanted to ask his D on Sunday...so he started that last night and then left it on the counter in the kitchen...the first and second were no surprise since he had already asked me..Do you have a gf? and Have you cheated on mom? the third broke my heart...Are you ever comeing back? .....

[verycrazy]

It breaks my heart for you and S, reading his list of questions. Man, this sh stinks!

Great for S having football to help him. I always think strong body, strong mind go hand in hand, so a physical activity is great. As for your older S stepping up to fill the void; well to have another person that YOU raised help his little brother is reflective of the mother you are. And most of us have a protective instinct in us for those we see hurting. Your S28 obviously has that. This will be a great thing for both of them. And his idea of giving S14 an allowance is a great way for S to feel some worth in what he contributes to the household. Not to mention maybe keeping his hands out of your handbag. Every kid needs a bit of cash in his pocket. Our S just started college, and is not going to be working, so we still give him an allowance. Although he does volunteer work as an explorer with the Fire Department. That is something you could look into with your S if he has any interest in that or even the cadet program with the police department.

Oh, my F was an alcoholic, he had a very hard time sustaining relationships, too, like your H. One of my sisters took after him, and I think is an alcoholic, and has had three husbands and three divorces. I think alcohol must do that to them, I don't know.

God bless you and take a deep breath and a bubble bath, eat some chocolate, read a good book or magazine, and pamper yourself for an hour or two. You've got too much stress, and need to get it out.
vc

[keep_going]

ITM -

How did Sunday go????? How was the session with the C?

Hope you have some positive news to post for us soon...

(((hugs)))

[imthemom]

Not a lot positive KG...It was one of the longest hardest weekends since I caught him in our bed with her...Im still having a hard time processing all that came out Sunday, and watching my son have realization after realization and be in a lot of pain. Will post soon as I am able to get it down. Right now Im just trying to survive it and am going to a lot of Al Anoon meetings

[mishka422]

I'm glad you have the Al Anon support. Post when you feel able. We're all here for you.

[imthemom]

This is not going to make any sense..I just need to get this stuff out of my head before it makes me crazy.
Sunday was worse then I expected (and theres that word again..expected...set my self up every time..working on that)
I had to call H and demand that he come over and talk to S14, he finally did and I left them alone in his room and they talked for awhile and then went for a drive.
S14 came back seemingly fine and began to tell me all about H's "gf"...(imo he gave him way to much info but thats neither here or there)
How they met:
at the 7-11 around the corner from my house..
Her name were she lives and the fact that she has 3 kids, twin S17 and D20..she and H live within an 8 block area of my house, her kids DO NOT go to school with my son thank gawd!!

all in all it was way more information then I wanted and Im sure more then S14 needed...he did not say alot after that download and I managed to make it till he went to bed before I fell apart and cried in bed all night with no sleep. luckily had the next day off work for the holiday and managed to hold it together to get S14 to school before I went home and cried for another 4 hrs...
Took S14 to C the afternoon after school and he refused to talk...at all...he just sat there in session and looked completley defeated...it was heartbreaking. I told him how proud I was of him and how he is handling the last year and that I loved him but it didnt seem to matter.
since then he has started to ask questions of me....one of them being Did D cheat on you....yesterday I finally said "S14..Your D and i are married...I did not know he was seeing another woman, He lied to both of us about it and snuck around..what would you call that? I hate the fact that I am forced to be in these conversations that I do not want to have!!!

Yesterday S14 asked me how I found out about this girl...I told him that had nothing to do with him and how his D felt about him but he would not let it go... I finally told him I went over to the old house to talk to H and she was there....He said "did they know you were coming?" I said ...ummmm no.... that was the end of the conversation.

Yesterday I S14 and I went to the local grocery store to go to the bank...(on an up note, my mother sent me a check to get me threw the next couple of months...GROCERIES!!!!!!!)
As we pull in the parking lot S14 says oh by the way, she works here........yes not only do they live within blocks of each other and me, she works about 3 blocks from my house..at my grocery store. And of course who do we run into right as we walk in the door.....I had never seen her but S14 was looking at name tags and spotted her immediantly.....I didnt like the whole situation...my son angry looking at name tags..feeling like I shouldnt be someplace that I go on a regular basis...feeling like I shouldnt have my son in this situation..it was horrible.

and the kicker is, of course she is tall and younge and gorgeous and blond with legs up to her friggen neck....Im no slouch but shes alot younger then me.....I felt old and ugly...GAWD!!!

In my head she was this younge little booty call who had no life..in reality she is an employed mother and its a pretty seriouse relationship...it feels like im having to process it all over again. and now that its out it feels so different...i cant even talk to him or see him...im so humiliated. He has been in this relationship for probabley 10 months...and ive been a fool.
My son is so hurt..he is acting like hes in shock..we are planning his bday party for next weekend and Im trying to keep him focused on that ..but I can see it on his face.

[mishka422]

Oh heavens ITM, I'm so sorry. That all sent you spinning again.

You know this already, but it's like another shock to your system and it's going to take time to process it all. Be gentle with yourself, take the time you need to grieve again, and then you will be able to put it behind and focus again on yourself and your kids.

Your son is going to have to talk to the C at some point. He needs to process too though and that will take time.

It all sounds like platitudes, I know, I'm sorry, there just really is no other answer. What your STBXH is doing is cowardly but that is his problem and not yours. Take charge of your life, ignore his, keep being the strong, confident woman you are and you will make it!

[imthemom]

today I called my softball coach and told him I wanted back on the team for spring season...and I joined a running group that starts tomorrow morning. Im getting back to me...I know I cant wallow in this mudd with him.. I am moving on, but the past couple of days have been painfull. thankfull I was clear headed enough to know and remember what I went throught 4 months ago and know that I dont want to ever go back there again.

We are moving on and living life. I sucked it up and sent him an ecard that said Congratulatios...W and S14 (by name not actually W and S14..) good for him, hes sober and healthy physically. Mentally??? thats his problem...

[Nblost]

ITM,
Good for you...those are all positive steps. I feel like I've lived a few of these shocks and they do send you reeling. Hang in there and if anything, maybe this reinforces why you were questioning things and why you need to focus on yourself and detach.

By the way, your H sounds very challenging. If this woman is "so great", they won't last. Is she so great? No, wonderful people don't have affairs with married men! In the end, you will be happy and you will feel sorry for him and the mess he's made. I know it.

My H's OW is very rich (millions) and he has told me how great she is. Very hard to take, but over time, I'm truly realizing that she can have him if he's going to behave this way. (and I sometimes wonder if the more I give up on him...she may start to question why she is with him?)

I'm thinking of you...I know you are going through really hard times.

Take care of yourself and things will get better. Can your older sons be there at all to support your 14 year old? I am worried about him, although kids survive!

[verycrazy]

So sorry, itm, I know how it is with your S. When my S found out, he was so shocked and angry, he actually said he wished a truck would hit his F and kill him. He had to deal with it in his own way. He felt what he felt, and I couldn't tell him what to feel or how to feel. He, of course, didn't mean what he said, at least not later when things calmed down. It makes me cry now to think of another child going through that. I am sure his older brother will help him to get through it. He will probably have to ask you more questions it may be painful to answer, but since the worst part of it is out there, just honestly telling him what he needs to know will help him to process it. So, he's about to turn 15? Has he been studying for his learner's permit? If not, maybe that could be a distraction.

It really stinks that ow works at YOUR store Well, if you decide to keep going there, you can hold YOUR head high. Mishka can tell you about running into ow. I don't know what ow looks like in my sitch, so who knows if I have run into her. I am hoping it was that 400lb. female with the chopped off hair and warts on her nose I saw at Wallyworld. Wearing neon green spandex.

And YAY!! for your mother sending you a check. Mamas are good people

Give your S lots of hugs, he will need them.

vc