I still keep going...

[keep_going]

I am trying to formulate my email to my H. But I am so burned out mentally and emotionally, that I don't think I can do it right now.

I made sure the kids had a good day today - that was my goal for V Day and I was successful. Decorated the house with hearts. Girls and I made cookies yesterday so we had breakfast and ate some. Then off to pre-school where they celebrated. Took them to swim lessons and then to see my mom - they were so happy to see her. She gave me some flowers - that was nice.

Had dinner, more cookies, candy, bath and bedtime. The girls were both happy - gave me lots of kisses and love u's tonight. That felt good.

H brought them flowers and also brought me a small bouquet. The funny thing is that he brought me some very generic, and frankly pretty sad-looking one. He probably didn't do it on purpose, just what he found at the grocery store. But I can't help but wonder, because he knows exactly what I like and knows that this arrangement would not be it at all. He probably just bought them just not to be rude to show w/o something. I think I'd rather he had not brought anything rather than receive something that he felt forced to, just like last year.

He also brought me flowers and that day I was so excited and hopeful that it meant something positive... A few months later, my SIL told me he had brought me those because she told him he was being inconsiderate and he felt guilty. That is why I just cannot even try to attach any positive meaning to today's flowers.

I didn't give him anything from me. I bought a card that said "Happy V Day, Daddy." (it took me a while to find one specifically for a father that was not romantic in theme) Had the girls scribble something on it and gave it to him with a plate of the cookies we made.

We both said a polite thank you when we exchanged presents, that's it.

Also, while he was here, he got a call - he got the apartment lease he wanted - it's a very expensive apartment. When I had asked him during our finances convo what was his budget he said he didn't know what he could afford, that he didn't have a budget. After he hung up, he was so happy and he immediately started texting.

Like we were saying yesterday - it's so hard to detach and mend a broken heart when you have to experience all this little "reminders" of how your life is being completely destroyed by a cold and detached stranger who used to be your best friend the and love of your life.

Sorry to be so negative. Thank god this day is over...

[labug]

I don't know your H but from what you've said here and I know we post more negatives than positives about the WAs, he doesn't sound like he's much of a collaborative guy.

If you start the collaborative route and then have to start over it will cost more.

I wouldn't "draft" an email, make it short and sweet.

"H, I've decided to file for a legal separation. We can go one of 2 ways, collaborative or traditional. Info on the C option can be found here (website).

Contact me after you've had time to study the options."

This is now business, approach it that way and try to compartmentalize relationship issues from business issues.

[BklynMom]

Great email Labug. Totally eliminates the emotional stuff.

I know we dont want this to become a b!tch fest but what a jerk your husband is. Why did he bring you some sorry dead flowers??

Your H reminds me of mine. My H is such a wimp. No one really knows how painfully weak my H is except me and his family. Our H want us to do their dirty work, they want to blame us for why the marriage failed rather than admit to themselves that they are the jerks left behind children. They are really wimpy jerks and I am so over them.

[BFloat]

KG - Vday is over! glad you got many kisses and i love you's from your little ones. i did too and it really lit up my day. especially hearing my D2 say.. happy walentine day. and seeing their faces light up over their treats really makes it worth it!

i like labug's letter. short.. sweet.. and to the point! do what you have to do to make yourself feel secure.

[25yearsmlc]

KG

((( )))

I don't happen to think a collaborative approach will work here but I guess it won't hurt to ask.

But to me, it's clear he's passive agressive and you had to DRAG the ugly words out of his mouth...

he does NOT see why you'd want to stay home after the THIRD child born in 4 years? How about b/c it's the 3rd child born in 4 years??

AND

What about the fact that you'll be a SINGLE MOM?? OMG sorry I'm fuming at him now...


I know, not helpful...okay

so see a L and figure this out. IMO-You are not to work full time (at least not like before, or your kids lose both parents. Too bad if he cannot see it b/c all of us can).

And go forth doing right by your kids.

It's your healthiest most moral choice now and sometimes knowing we are doing right by our kids

is the most we can hope for. It has to be enough for us, for awhile.

I think there'd be advantages to your ego to go back to working like you did -but you're not needing that now as much as you are needing to be a great mom.

I get that, I respect it and I hope you'll see this clearly. You are not being vindictive.

I hope you get all the law says you can

(and more...geez, you busted your ass for so long -and he thinks your present life is a breeze now? Seriously? )

$%^&*#$%!!!!

Okay...enough...


((((( )))))

[25yearsmlc]

ps

congrats on the good V=day...

this ^^^ is you creating a new, better life.

And it's working! (How confusing for your h...)

(( ))

[keep_going]

Labug, BM, BF & 25...

THANK YOU for all your support. I am most definitely going thru the toughest time of my life and I don't know what I would do without all of my friends here. I know you all understand what I mean and how I feel. This board has become like an oasis, like oxygen and a place to survive when it seems like my reality is caving in. You all understand and care - because you have been there and have felt the same type of pain. I don't know what I would do without your support - I MEAN IT FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART ((((hugs to you all))))

And now to the fun part of the program - I am sure you will all laugh at this one, because frankly, I don't see any other possible reaction to my H's latest "joke."

The very next night after the horrible conversation with H, he brought his "financial proposal" spreadsheet and walked me thru it. I won't bore you all with the painful details, I will just highlight the key points so you see where his mind is at...

- The budget was based on his monthly salary being 2k / month less than what he currently makes - he said he took an average of the last 3 years. Hmmm - I wonder where those 2k are going...
- It was also based on me earning the same salary I did during my best year of work (where I was working 60+ hrs. a week.) And BTW, he didn't calculate the average of the last 3 years for me...
- We'd split all children's expenses 50/50
- No alimony
- And the best part - In certain categories, like food and gasoline, I'd be splitting my monthly expenses in two: what I spend on myself, vs. what I spend for the kids. Then he'd pay 50% of the kids'-only portion...

I guess I'd better start figuring out how to split the monthly cost of ketchup between the kids and me. Wait - the baby doesn't eat ketchup yet, and one of girls likes it on hamburgers, but not on hotdogs... Hmmm - I think this is going to take just a little bit more than 5 minutes to figure out.

There you have it. Nice guy, huh?

So I listened, asked a few logical questions (like why is his listed salary lower than what he actually makes) and I just couldn't help but chuckle when he brought up the gasoline and food split. I just said "really? I need to figure out how many gallons of gasoline I use on my own?"

He got upset and said that I had asked him to bring me a proposal and that I was now criticizing it and being snide. I took a deep breath, apologized for my snide tone and told him I appreciated the time he spent doing it.

When he was done, I calmly said I would review the budget in detail and would get back to him.

I made sure to state my concern of being there for my kids and that I am not considering going back to work at this time. I wanted to clearly state my position for the last time.

This man is NOT the person I love and married. Yet, he is still the father of my children and now more than ever, and because things are about to get ugly, I need to behave in a way that sets an example for my children and lets me have peace of mind moving forward. The rest is his junk.

---

So last night I sent him the following email. It wasn't as business-like in tone as you guys suggested, but I wanted to have my position and POV put in writing, have peace of mind and know that I wrapped up this process as cleanly as possible. His latest actions were the sign I needed to know that I am doing the right thing by filing for separation to get what I consider to be a fair outcome based on the formulas and laws of the state where I live. I can live with these choices and be perfectly happy and sleep well at night.

Maybe the email is not the best DBing, and I worked on it for hours - re-writing and coming back to it thruout the day, but I needed to do this for me and I am satisfied with it. So here it is:

H,
Thank you again for your time and effort in putting together your financial proposal. Reviewing it together last night and later on my own, confirmed to me that at this point neither of us has an optimal solution for how to best separate our finances without making some very difficult choices.

So I have decided to file for legal separation.

You know this is not what I want at all. That given the opportunity, I'd like to give our life together as a family with our three beautiful children another chance and do things differently to build a new marriage based on what I've learned from my past mistakes.

Yet, I have accepted that you don't want that and I agree that we need to resolve our dire financial situation as soon as possible to avoid any further damage, specially to our kids.

My decision is not intended to hurt you in any way and I hope you can believe that. I just want a fair resolution that works in the best interest of our children - even if the outcome doesn't necessarily make either of us very happy. I believe nobody wins in a situation like this...

So at this point we can move forward in one of 2 ways, a collaborative separation process or a traditional litigation route. The link I am attaching below describes the collaborative process. It is my hope that we can go that route.

Please let me know by next Tuesday if this is something you want to do. If I don't hear from you about this, I will assume that you are not interested in the collaborative approach.

From the bottom of my heart,
KG

---

We'll see what he says...

[BklynMom]

I liked the email I didnt think it was anti DB.

I know you dont want a lawyer for financial reasons but I think it would give you a bad guy. Your H proposal is wacky to say it nicely and if you hire a lawyer you could say to your H you think his spreadsheet is brilliant but your L says blah blah blah.

I thought the email is great

[keep_going]

BM - thank you!

I am actually hiring a lawyer to file for the separation. That is partly why I sent the email to H... He will be livid about this, but what he thinks is irrelevant at this point.

I will check our your thread later. I have kids with stomach flu

[labug]

I guess I'd better start figuring out how to split the monthly cost of ketchup between the kids and me. Wait - the baby doesn't eat ketchup yet, and one of girls likes it on hamburgers, but not on hotdogs... Hmmm - I think this is going to take just a little bit more than 5 minutes to figure out.

What a nut-job. I didn't think he sounded like the collaborative type.

Wishing you luck.