WAW roomate is telling me she is moving out..

[hangten]

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...721#Post2209721

Guess I have to start another post.
I had a talk with my w on Monday. After breafast she brought out pen and paper. My w wrote down three things of contention.

Kids
My w proposed 2 days on 2days off alternating weekends.
I proposed week on week off. I want to reduce the amount of drop offs.
or an alternate retrofit basement and I live downstairs.(w did not like that it.)

I also suggested that she move out since she is the one not happy and I will live the kids in the home...again she did not like that. no one wants to leave their kids.

House
My w wants to move out by Feb. and sell the house in the spring.
I will have to fix up the house to get ready to sell.
My w told me that she does not want to sell the house.
I suggested that she moves in with her parents that way she will not be wasting money. My w wants to find a place to rent near my s school. I told my w if she wants to move out and we are forcd to sell the house I can't live in the same area. I will be looking in an area closer to my work. My w thinks I am being selfish. My w wants us to live down the street. I told her I can't as I am not over you and I need to heal. I don't want to be reminded of you going to the grocery store. I just want something new. I also would like to know where you will be moving to cause I will want to know where my kids will be living. My w was being really cryptic about where she was going.


Finances
I made a list of bills we owe. My w stated that I hide everything. I asked did you look. cause I really don't hide it. I asked do you want me to walk you through the finances so that you can see what i have been talking about. My w said no i don't want to know about that. I said if you are going to leave It would be nice to know something about the bills to help you. My w agreed she just didn't want to look at numbers. I did give her a tidbit that all she would get out of the sale of the house would be about 125k after paying of the mortgage. Our house is over 500k. My w was alittle shocked she thought it would be more.

My w has told me that she does not want to move out. But she feels she must do something soon. cause it is over a year of this. My w thinks I can live like this for years. I probably could. As I am in a good spot emotionally. I do get upset when my kids get hurt. I do need to learn to control my emotions better at that moment. I told my w this. I told her if she stays I have no expectations on this working. I sacrifacing a little of what I want to protect my children. My w says that she is noticing. My w told me that she will always love me but you are not right for me. I said I understand that is how you feel. My w stated that you have done really well witht he kids the past year, even with me. I understand that it is not enough. I told her I don't want to fight. I don't want anything from you , except to be the best mother to these kids. My w said that she would. My w said the last thing she said about moving was that she did not know and would let me know later.

My s came upstairs so we stopped talking. I have feeling that my w is being pressured by OM to force my hand. I don't know. It might be my w's doing. Anyways I think I'm ready for her to move out actually.

[hangten]

This morning my w insisted that we call a real estate agent and get a list of things to fix up our house to get it ready to sell . I said yeah swell sounds like a great idea. Maybe I did not say it so enthusiasticly. My w then says that we need to fil out a separation agreement. I said fine you write it up and I will fill in any amendments to it. I did talk about feelings and said that it doesn't change how I feel. My w snapped back and started getting defensive. I head toreiterate that I agreed with my w about getting a list of things to fix up the house. I really don't want to sell the house. I know my w needs to feel like she is moving on. My w seems to keep hovering around me. almost like she wants to talk. I am trying so hard not to say anything. I guess I am going out.

[kolja]

Just an idea, but if she wants to move out and you want to be closer to work and not reminded of her, do you think you'd be able to rent your current house out for what you pay in mortgage?

[hangten]

Kolja thanks for the idea.

I kind of like the idea of living somwhere else. As I see this is an end of this stalemate. For me this is a new begining. I am not fighting anymore. My w seems so adamaent to sell my w went out and bought paint. Painting is usually the last thing you do. I said this to my w but she said that this all she can do to get the house ready. I mentioned what ever you want fixed I will do that. My w thanked me.

I was cooking dinner at the time I kind of dirtied the stove top it is white and after I was cooking it was black. My w did not wait for me to finish cooking that she went in to a diatribe about how much of a mess I made. I usually clean up any mess. I said to my w. I will clean up the mess when the stove top cools down. I asked my w when are you moving out cause I won't have to hear you complain like this anymore. My w was shocked to hear me say this. My w kept hovering around me for the next two hours. Asking me do I put unreasonable demands on you? I told my w sometimes you do. For example if I get oil on my shirt from cooking I never would hear the end of it. I understand that you use to do all the washing and that would stress you out. But if it is done how can I change it if it is already done. My w stayed around and she was eyeing me as my kids were jumping on me on the coach.

I am kind of looking forward to moving out. I love my w. I don't think me being here is helping her. I just want to be free of the stress. I aiming for February. I think my w will change her mind. But I am still hodling on to the date of Febraury, I will miss the house but have to do with what needs to be done.

[hangten]

This Sunday is my w's b-day. I probably do something for the kids to acknowledge their mom. But for me it is another day. 2 weeks away from February that is suppose to be my date when my WAW actually will walk away. I have a sneaking suspicion that she won't leave. I don't really want her to leave. This is the love of my live. So I am taking lemons and making lemonade. I am trying to be her friend. I have seen that my w has called to talk 3 times this week. The conversations take at least an hour. The start off about the kids and just carry on. The conversations are light and happy. I have been out of the house most of the week. I get home from work feed the kids dinner. When My w gets home I either go upstairs in my room or I leave the house. I have been spending most of my time with other women. I have not crossed the line. It has been just friendship. I know these woman may want more but I can't right now they all know my feelings. I feel good and appreciated. I know that this is an artificial feeling. My true feelings are for my w.

Last night I was putting my d to bed my w was with my s. My w was upset and crying. My w and I switched as my d was asking for my w. I went over to my s. I asked him what happened. My s stated that he told my w to not use any excuse why not to talk to my dad. My s told my w that she has change and that she is not nice anymore. He told my w that when ever my s tells my w how he feels my w says that she will ground him. My s told my w that dad and you need to discipline me. Both parents need to do it together.
My s is wise beyond his years. Bless his heart. I feel for both my kids.

[hangten]

It has been a week since my last post. I'm getting better living alone with the kids. I do not like to see th kids in pain. My d asked told me that she wanted tot see my w and me married. My d said that she has never seen it and wanted too.
Since jan 1 I have gone out most nights. I go out with friends and or my borhters. I just need frinedship. Companionship...just someone to talk with. I miss my w. I usually put the kids to sleep and leave the house for a few hours. I try to not take my time away from the kids. My d has recently asked me to show her my friends like mommy does. I told my d I will not be introducing anyone to them right now.

My w has started to state comments about me going out. How I am tired and that I shouldn't leave the house so much. My w was asking who I was speaking to on the phone late at night. I know what I am doing and how it looks. I have not crossed any lines. My w seems to be bothered by me doing this. My reason for being scarce since Jan 1 is I have seen my kids relationship to their mother breakdown. I want my w to take over some of the responsiblities. If I am not there My w has to do the work.

I have been doing this for a month, My kids seem to be doing better. My w seems to be helping out more. Laundry ..cooking..even cleaning and vaccuuming. I still care for my w. Even my R to my w is getting better. Our communication is getting better. We no longer talk through other people. I want my w to be able to speak at what she thinks and feels. I don't want just logistic talks about the kids. I know my Kids are the trump card. I have not heard my w talk about moving out for a week.


"The LORD said to me, 'Go, show your love to your wife again, though she is loved by another and is an adulteress. Love her as the LORD loves the Israelites, though they turn to other gods'" (Hosea 3:1).

[~ kd ~]

HT, I know it sux... she's obviously noticing some things... that's positive...

I understand you want her to be more responsible with the kids, but it almost sounds you are being punitive. It IS her responsibility as well, but if she won't step up, then it is your responsibility, either way...

Also, the communication positive is great!

Keep doing what you're doing and what other 180s might you try?

[hangten]

Kaffe I know what are my responsibilities are...My w seems to be in LA LA land. I'm trying to wake up my w. Even if she hates my guts the kids need to be cared for first and foremost. Punish me not our kids. As I put my kids to sleep last night my d motioned me in to her room. My w was holding her. I went close to my d as she wanted to whisper something to me. My d said to me " I want you to marry mommy". I cracked a smile and got up to leave the room. My w was curious what my d said. My d said it out loud to my w. I left the room smiling in side. I went to sleep very well last night.

Here are some on my 180..

I am trying not to lose my temper. I think I have been successful this year. No big blow ups.

I have been thinking of others this year. Remembering B-days and special moments for the kids and family. Even colleagues at work...Trying to be more approachable. I believe I am making a lot of headway on that. My kids are drawn to me and say things like they like the new me. It makes it so much more special when it is not prompted. It totally catches me off guard and melts my heart.

Focusing on family and friends. Limiting my computer time. Which I have cut down alot. I work with computers so it has been battle to cut it out at home and focus on the kids. No bringing work home was one thing that helped me.

[hangten]

I had a good talk with my w last night. I stated that I still view us as married . That I have told my w that I have spoken to my friend and she will not be calling late at night. I have asked her to stop calling. My w stated that she can not move out in February. My w stated that she will miss the kids. My w said that you can date it won't bother her. I told my w I can't cause none of the ow would stack up to you. We kind of joke together abit. Then I went to bed.

I have a stalker at my work. I may have have encouraged it in the beginning. I am putting an end to it, now. A colleague suggested that I wear my ring again and state that I am working on reconciliation. I am writing this the stalker comes by my cubicle and is talking to me notices my ring and leaves. I have been saying for months that I am not interested to the stalker. I hope this does not embolden the stalker.

I want my wife back, I'm sure we all do here. I got to get back to my core beliefs and focus on my changes.

I will get a gym membership.
I will go 1 hour a day / 3 days a week.

[hangten]

Thanks MACH1 for making my valentine's little bit lighter this year.

I made a kindergarten style card from red paper. On the inside, I wrote...

I cheated Hallmark out of $3
Happy Tuesday

I stole your Idea...
My w smiled and chuckled to her self. That was my objective.

I seemed to be talking more frequently with my w. she is calling and texting a lot more frequent. I have been on my toes trying to be upbeat and positive. I find we both seem to be sharing stories of our kids. The conversation is not on us. Or where we are going. No expectations.