It seems like everyone on this board has had quite an intense week.
Most of you know I have recently made a conscious decision to take back my life, and move forward accepting the reality of my sitch. I am taking steps towards what I feel is the right thing to do no matter how frightening or gut wrenching it is. I recognize that my big life lesson in this has to been to recognize my own worth and that I am deserving of mature love as well. I also recognize that when I have gone off course it has typically been when I have lost faith due to fear. I am willing to walk this walk no matter how terrifying and no matter that I can't see in any way what the outcome will be.
I realize that I cannot see beyond the curvature of the earth, but if I keep walking towards it step by step I'll reach it anyway.
Interestingly, I am starting to feel better, a sense of well being. Its like there was a shutoff valve that was shut off and has been opened and I feel life flowing back in. I am starting to feel connected again to the other things in my life and a sense of purpose is flowing back in.
Also, with just a week on this mindset I am seeing how much outrageous BS I put up with. Some people are starting to feel comfortable enough with me again to say that they were praying I see that I should not throw myself on the sword for her, and that even though she is obviously in a major life altering crisis, they can't see her ever getting through this if I allow myself to be a victim to her demons and bad behavior.
I'm seeing that she is not being honest with me because despite her gains and self analysis she doesn't have it in her "now" to not be controlled by her demons. And I'm enabling it and doing everyone harm by doing that.
I'm seeing clearly the affects this is having on my sons too. They literally don't know what to do for her. They continue to reach out and get lied to and know about the OM which they can't overlook or pretend it doesn't kill them. In her state she may think she is doing some great job of hiding but she makes the mistake of not hiding it well. I know this is brutal on her too because she loves her sons. She is so messed up and can't seem to find a way to stop steeping on her own toes.
For example, last night I get home and see my S13. He asks if I know where she is and I say she told me she'd be here. Maybe she's at a store or work late. I call...no answer. The poor kid just looks at me and says Mom's never home anymore. He sounded so dejected. And then he had this big school project and him and I went to school to see all the projects. She had completely overlooked it, didn't acknowledge it to him, and had to ask me what it was. This was something sitting on our dining room table for three weeks and a bunch of kids have been working on it. She chose to hit the club scene with her coworkers.
I've changed how I am handling my interactions with her. I've backed out of this. I'm not killing myself to create this super supportive world of family events and "dates". If I didnt do this not one thing would happen on her initiative. Maybe she will in her own time if that is going to be, and if we are still a family by then. It's all been me. And I don't respect how's she handled the OM sitch. She may say there's been no affair but I don't measure what I've seen by the same standards. In fact I've caught too many lies to feel comfortable. So, when I'm working my a$$ off to keep this road open, be the cheerleader, the Mr everything, I feel this sick feeling in my stomach that I'm selling myself out.
That's it then. I'm on a mission to rebuild me (like Steve Austin in the old Six Million Dollar Man series)...I have the technology. These next few months ought to be interesting.
Someone recently posted here how the WAS turns everything into a reason to blame the LBS. I can already see that. She's looking at me funny because I'm not fawning over her. I know that will lead to the "you obviously don't care and are happy with this accusation". She's still finding anything she can to blame me for her sitch. She told me recently she dd not want to end this because she is afraid of making a mistake, and that she is open to seeing what we can be in our M. Those are great words but I can't see it happening if I enable her not to face this all the way, if I allow bad behavior and make excuses for it, if I allow a life with her which includes OM, and if I let myself be a guy who doesn't value himself enough or have the guts to change this up.
