Well ... I'm back

[tpc1977]

Thank you guys. I really do appreciate your words - all of them.

I AM battling some internal stuff and externalizing them. I believe I'm reflecting all this inner torment onto those, and those things, around me.

This morning I got up to train and felt like hell. Last night I had a falling out with one of my daughters who is "growing up" at the moment. I was put in the middle of something because others don't think I'm treating all parties fairly and evenly. A bolt popped out and I went ape. Not physically. I just said a word I've never said to either of my children. After that I started kicking myself and had a horrible night.

In my life, things are out of whack. My training is suffering because I haven't found a proper balance of recovery and efforts. Racing starts this weekend and I'm no where near being ready physically or mentally.

I'm in the pit emotionally because my wife is so closed off and I don't know what she's thinking or doing sometimes. I'm trying to hold her up and motivate her to stay on course with her 12 step program, her meetings, the fear about losing our house, whether or not she's going to get her license back for nursing, staying on course with our marriage, etc.

I'm trying to find a balance with our daughters to treat them fairly the way I know how and the way they want me to. Both of them are growing up and becoming women and now I have three women who will be cycled together and I'm fearful of what may happen each month.

Both our cars need major repair. My daughter wrecked our Passat and it needs body work. My Audi needs new brakes. Since we lost 1/2 of our income we cannot afford major things and we sometimes wait until the last minute. All I can think about is what next with the cars. When will a timing belt snap? When will my brakes go out completely? When will one of the fuel pumps go out? When will a O2 sensor go out - Mine cost 300 to replace because they decided to hide it deep in the darkest regions of the engine where you actually need a portal to go through and find it.

Anyway ... as you can tell, I'm pretty baked in my head right now. So the God thing is just one element of what is really happening up there (taps noggin).