I still keep going...

[keep_going]

Labug, BM, BF & 25...

THANK YOU for all your support. I am most definitely going thru the toughest time of my life and I don't know what I would do without all of my friends here. I know you all understand what I mean and how I feel. This board has become like an oasis, like oxygen and a place to survive when it seems like my reality is caving in. You all understand and care - because you have been there and have felt the same type of pain. I don't know what I would do without your support - I MEAN IT FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART ((((hugs to you all))))

And now to the fun part of the program - I am sure you will all laugh at this one, because frankly, I don't see any other possible reaction to my H's latest "joke."

The very next night after the horrible conversation with H, he brought his "financial proposal" spreadsheet and walked me thru it. I won't bore you all with the painful details, I will just highlight the key points so you see where his mind is at...

- The budget was based on his monthly salary being 2k / month less than what he currently makes - he said he took an average of the last 3 years. Hmmm - I wonder where those 2k are going...
- It was also based on me earning the same salary I did during my best year of work (where I was working 60+ hrs. a week.) And BTW, he didn't calculate the average of the last 3 years for me...
- We'd split all children's expenses 50/50
- No alimony
- And the best part - In certain categories, like food and gasoline, I'd be splitting my monthly expenses in two: what I spend on myself, vs. what I spend for the kids. Then he'd pay 50% of the kids'-only portion...

I guess I'd better start figuring out how to split the monthly cost of ketchup between the kids and me. Wait - the baby doesn't eat ketchup yet, and one of girls likes it on hamburgers, but not on hotdogs... Hmmm - I think this is going to take just a little bit more than 5 minutes to figure out.

There you have it. Nice guy, huh?

So I listened, asked a few logical questions (like why is his listed salary lower than what he actually makes) and I just couldn't help but chuckle when he brought up the gasoline and food split. I just said "really? I need to figure out how many gallons of gasoline I use on my own?"

He got upset and said that I had asked him to bring me a proposal and that I was now criticizing it and being snide. I took a deep breath, apologized for my snide tone and told him I appreciated the time he spent doing it.

When he was done, I calmly said I would review the budget in detail and would get back to him.

I made sure to state my concern of being there for my kids and that I am not considering going back to work at this time. I wanted to clearly state my position for the last time.

This man is NOT the person I love and married. Yet, he is still the father of my children and now more than ever, and because things are about to get ugly, I need to behave in a way that sets an example for my children and lets me have peace of mind moving forward. The rest is his junk.

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So last night I sent him the following email. It wasn't as business-like in tone as you guys suggested, but I wanted to have my position and POV put in writing, have peace of mind and know that I wrapped up this process as cleanly as possible. His latest actions were the sign I needed to know that I am doing the right thing by filing for separation to get what I consider to be a fair outcome based on the formulas and laws of the state where I live. I can live with these choices and be perfectly happy and sleep well at night.

Maybe the email is not the best DBing, and I worked on it for hours - re-writing and coming back to it thruout the day, but I needed to do this for me and I am satisfied with it. So here it is:

H,
Thank you again for your time and effort in putting together your financial proposal. Reviewing it together last night and later on my own, confirmed to me that at this point neither of us has an optimal solution for how to best separate our finances without making some very difficult choices.

So I have decided to file for legal separation.

You know this is not what I want at all. That given the opportunity, I'd like to give our life together as a family with our three beautiful children another chance and do things differently to build a new marriage based on what I've learned from my past mistakes.

Yet, I have accepted that you don't want that and I agree that we need to resolve our dire financial situation as soon as possible to avoid any further damage, specially to our kids.

My decision is not intended to hurt you in any way and I hope you can believe that. I just want a fair resolution that works in the best interest of our children - even if the outcome doesn't necessarily make either of us very happy. I believe nobody wins in a situation like this...

So at this point we can move forward in one of 2 ways, a collaborative separation process or a traditional litigation route. The link I am attaching below describes the collaborative process. It is my hope that we can go that route.

Please let me know by next Tuesday if this is something you want to do. If I don't hear from you about this, I will assume that you are not interested in the collaborative approach.

From the bottom of my heart,
KG

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We'll see what he says...