Too Little, Too Late....part 6

[purgatory]

VERY interesting conversation today with H.....

I got a text from him in the middle of the day: "Are you busy? Can you talk?"
I called him and he asked me to make sure I was in a quiet area because we needed to have a private talk... the wheels in my head started turning.

OW's STBXH is threatening to go to the command (H and he worked together) and accuse H of an inappropriate relationship with his W- UNLESS OW (his W) will take him back. The STBEXH outranks my H and is looking to destroy his career. HOW CRAZY CAN THIS GUY GET??? AND btw: he doesn't know about the most recent development.... this is all his own actions based on previous assumptions.
{This crazy ex of hers has always thought that my H wants to sleep with his W (for 8 years) after HE proposed a 4 way to my H.... my H laughed it off and told me about it. Over the years, this guy has tried 5 times to make this happen- and NOTHING ever came of it. He had convinced himself that my H didn't want to do anything because it would trigger 'feelings' that he obviously had for his W... so for the past 2 years, he's threatened OW about the feelings that H has for her- he has NEVER once directly said anything to my H (abusive coward!)}

Now, for some reason, I was able to go into 'detached/ friend only advice'. I know how crazy and yet 'highly respected' in the office OW's ex is- so his accusations will be taken seriously. I pointed out that IF this investigation goes into effect- most likely the first thing they will do is to gather evidence- such as emails, phone calls and texts. H tried to defend himself and say that those alone can't prove anything- but I made him realize that if an outsider looked at the QUANTITY of this evidence, that would most likely raise a red flag- so they would investigate further: either by requesting the details of the texts, talking to neighbors about how often his truck is there and even possibly talking to me and D16 (I assume the younger kids would be left out of this.) Because of this, he would really have to question what kind of impression an investigator would see- regardless of what him or OW claim was happening. He told me that he knew I wouldn't 'throw him under the bus' regardless of how I felt about him and OW- because I have a lot invested in his career also (he referenced my loss of alimony/child support and how would I support myself and the kids... as a single woman.)

H listened to everything and never argued with me. He said I make great points. He tried to say that "he's not over there all the time like I think he is." I said: "Well, I know you go over there every wednesday and thursday. On your weekends off, I don't know what you do anymore- so you're the only one who can really say how often you're there. Besides, it doesn't matter what YOU think is "all the time", It's only going to matter what kind of impression the investigator gets."

He opened up and said that he doesn't go there on the weekends and that they aren't dating. He mentioned the 'not dating' thing a few more times in different contexts, I got the feeling that he's telling the truth. (I know I should believe anything the WAS says- but I had a gut feeling about this one.)

I told him the only thing he could do right now, whether STBXH files a claim or not, is to stop all communications with OW. I told him that he needed to ensure that there was no way anyone could misconstrue what was happening. He agreed. I asked what OW is doing about this... he told me she is kinda considering taking him back to avoid him potentially ruining my family's future. I don't know what to think about that- I can't even put into words how confusing that is, not to mention what type of woman fluctuates that easily with SERIOUS LIFE decisions.

Here's my favorite statement from H: "I can't keep thinking 'what if' he files a claim, I have to assume he WILL. And the 'what if' isn't worth jeopardizing my family's future for. I never meant for any of this to happen, things never work out like you hope/plan."

Anyone think he's talking about more than just this sitch with STBXH?!?!

His no contact is going into effect this weekend when I get back home-his decision, not mine. It will mean that he and I have to re-arange our custody schedule, because now he doesn't have a babysitter for his gym time- poor him (sarcasm anyone??)

I came away from this LENGTHY conversation feeling curious. H has not been out of contact with OW for as long as we've all known each other. I genuinely think for the sake of his career, he won't take a chance. Really trying NOT to have expectations... BUT a simple fact is that he won't be around her, and her influence. He WILL be around me more and I will have more chances to show him my changes I thanked him for sharing this with me, and that I wish there was some magic words that I could say to make him feel better.... he said: "Just talking it through with you makes me feel better, but I'm still really scared baby."

Somehow I stayed detached through the whole *2 hour* talk!! I do feel good that he came to me for advice or comfort (not sure exactly what he was looking for from me) and I never raised my voice or lost my temper.... don't get me wrong, there was a bit of the old purg yelling at him, saying: "SEE WHAT YOU'VE GOTTEN YOURSELF INTO!! You better do some major sucking up if you don't want me to trash you even more when they come knocking on my door!!"

But the new, Zen, mother theresa purg was the one in charge tonight... and I think he liked it.