Forgiveness

[antlers]

I went long.......I rode my bicycle 105.3 miles today.

And the cool part is that it wasn't even a race...I just said fuk it, and rolled out.

[figgeroni]

If you have custody of him, why is he there?

I get that he doesn't like rules
but
if he skipped class then he shouldn't get to participate in an extra curricular activity...isn't that a school policy...skipping class means not playing in the game...

make sure they enforce those rules

talk to coaches

perhaps there is someone that he will listen to...
band instructor
art teacher
drama coach
athletic director
as the drama teacher etc, I had the power to control participation level of students...I had a close relationship with lots of the parents

if she isn't going to work with you, then stop banging your head against the wall and find some other back-up

[antlers]

We have joint custody.
I'm primary custodian of son.
She's primary custodian of daughter.
Once they're teenagers the Court lets them go where THEY want to.

No, he doesn't like rules.
He doesn't do school sports or school related stuff.

Not a lot I can do about the situation. [censored], but true.

[SunFunOne]

Here here! Fig is right. You need to take charge. This is nonsense. If he is supposed to be at your place - get him back. It should be court ordered (regardless of how you feel about the legal system). Especially if it is the only way he will have discipline enforced.

This is all beyond ridiculous and someone needs to be an enforcer.

Barb

[antlers]

Joint custody is joint custody. With teenagers, the Courts let the kids stay with whichever parent they want to, regardless of who is 'primary' custodian. The Courts will not make a teenager go to a parents house they don't want to go to in this situation. Like it or not, that's the precedent here in Oklahoma, as verified by multiple attorneys here.

[2thepoint]

My son has been in so much trouble at school lately (behaviour and schoolwork) that his teachers and counselor and vice principal all wanted to meet collectively with my son, his mother, and I. They contacted she and I last week by e-mail and requested that we meet today. Meeting time was set at 9:35 to 10:25. They said in the e-mail that they felt it was important that our son "see that we are a united front and that we are extremely concerned about him."

I agreed and looked forward to the meeting. This morning right before the meeting was to start, the vice principal informed me that she had just received communication from Ex that she didn't want to do it the way they had planned. She didn't want my son, she , and I to do the meeting at the same time. She wanted separate meetings...one that included me, and one that included her. Son was supposed to be there at 9:35 but was AWOL. He never showed up. They even paged him overhead throughout the school.

I know I'm a little late to the parade but wanted to circle back to the school meeting. First, your Ex's behavior was immature, irresponsible and inconsiderate.

Having said that, do you think that the note you sent your W clarifying...."Hey, when I say 'working on this together' Ex, I didn't mean as in, 'in person'. I mean cooperation...more open communication about our kids...and presenting a united front after we discuss things. Hope I wasn't unclear." had any effect on her decision to not want to meet with you and the school officials?

I'm just wondering if she got scared off by the clarifying note. She never did respond did she?

Anyway, as I said before, you'll need to keep going back to the well again and again and eventually she'll come around.

[antlers]

I don't think the clarifying note scared her off 2tp. Why would it? 25 suggested it, and she's pretty insightful. Anyway, it's done now. I hope she'll come around.

kat suggested I send another note. What do y'all think of the following.......


Ex, look...we have two kids that are suffering greatly under the current circumstances. Even though our relationship ended, our responsibility to these two great kids did not. We do not have to be friends, but we do need to be the adults here and behave as parents.
The kids can not continue to play us off of each other. We need to agree and set boundaries for their behaviour. It is what any responsible parent would do. 
That means putting our kids best interests above our own, and finding a way to form an amicable relationship with each other as co-parents. 
Let's set aside any differences we may have and focus instead on meeting the needs of our  kids.
Let's not disparage each other to our kids, nor let our kids speak disrespectfully about the other parent. 
Let's agree on boundaries and behavioral guidelines for raising our kids so that there's consistency in their lives, regardless of which parent they're with at any given time.
Let's communicate actively with each other about all aspects of our kids development. 
Let's recognise that kids are prone to testing a situation and manipulating boundaries and guidelines, especially if there's a chance to get something they may not otherwise be able to get. 
Let's compare notes with each other before jumping to conclusions. 
Let's focus our efforts on what our kids need most. 

[antlers]

Is it too much?

I'm wanting to show her what I'm committed to doing, and to encourage cooperation between us.

[2thepoint]

I don't think the clarifying note scared her off 2tp. Why would it? 25 suggested it, and she's pretty insightful. Anyway, it's done now. I hope she'll come around.

I'm just thinking that when you said you didn't mean for you to to meet in person, that when an opportunity came up to meet in person regarding your son, she bailed. It just seems too coincidental. That's all

kat suggested I send another note. What do y'all think of the following.......


Ex, look...we have two kids that are suffering greatly under the current circumstances. Even though our relationship ended, our responsibility to these two great kids did not. We do not have to be friends, but we do need to be the adults here and behave as parents.
The kids can not continue to play us off of each other. We need to agree and set boundaries for their behaviour. It is what any responsible parent would do. 
That means putting our kids best interests above our own, and finding a way to form an amicable relationship with each other as co-parents. 
Let's set aside any differences we may have and focus instead on meeting the needs of our  kids.
Let's not disparage each other to our kids, nor let our kids speak disrespectfully about the other parent. 
Let's agree on boundaries and behavioral guidelines for raising our kids so that there's consistency in their lives, regardless of which parent they're with at any given time.
Let's communicate actively with each other about all aspects of our kids development. 
Let's recognise that kids are prone to testing a situation and manipulating boundaries and guidelines, especially if there's a chance to get something they may not otherwise be able to get. 
Let's compare notes with each other before jumping to conclusions. 
Let's focus our efforts on what our kids need most. 

I'd ditch all the "lets do this and lets do that language". It comes across as a little demanding and repetitive. Instead perhaps try something that is more in the form of a question and throw in a few temperature checks that seek her buy-in. Something like....

Let's Can we set aside any differences we may have and focus instead on meeting the needs of our kids.

or

Let's I'm hoping we can communicate actively with each other about all aspects of our kids development. What do you think?

You might also want to consider changing up the communication medium. for example, if you always communicate via email, how about a hand written letter sent through the mail. That would be a switch, don't you think?

[antlers]

OK. That makes sense to lose the "let's do this and let's do that" language. What about the length/test of it. Should I just replace those with "can we's" and "I hope we cans"?