Good Morning, Wiley! Thanks for your reply. Now that I look back I see that I should not have called him back once he hung up. I should have left him alone to think he's right. Boy does THAT get under my skin! You are right though I should not let him get to me anymore. I'm working on that.
Quote: Well, maybe you need to take a long hard look in the mirror and ask yourself if you deserve something more out of a mate than what you're putting up with.
I agree that I don't deserve to put up with h's behavior anymore. It has been like this for 7 years! Exactly the same! Just as before he'd have days where he was loving, affectionate, talkative but the OTHER far outweighs those good days. I've decided I can't go back to that...that is why it is easier this time not to get riled up because I see I can go on without him. He can choose to change after the d.
Quote: When somebody cares about you the RIGHT way, this type of behaviour does not continue to happen.
What if he really doesn't know the RIGHT way to love someone? What if he honestly doesn't know? I ask myself this but then immediately ask "well if he doesn't know then why doesn't he find out how?". Do you think he's so insecure he's afraid to find out how? Can a man really get this tied up, frozen up?
Quote: What if he really doesn't know the right way to love someone?
I suppose that could be true, but if he sees you as an imprtant part of his life, someone that he'd rather not live without given the choice, my guess is he at least tries in a manner other than what you are witnessing up to this point. We don't all know how to love someone the right way, but if we feel something that resembles that for someone, we at least try and exhibit it in some way. So, the question comes inevitably comes down to what kinds of feelings does he have for you and are they strong enough for him to put a concentrated effort into saving the M. If so, even he would understand that treating you like a servant and blaming you for virtually everything, probably isn't going to cut the mustard...
You've said he's done and said nice, loving, caring things before, so you know the potential was once there, it could just be that it no longer is. Time will tell, and ultimately the choice is yours as to what you want.
Well........The answer to your question is anybody's guess. The question remains more important than the answer though.
Do you want someone that treats you this badly?
We keep thinking they'll change, but that is hard to do even under the best of circumstances. It does not sound like your H sees a need to change, so the chance of it happening is slim.
I don't want to discourage you, but I'm seeing that I have been taking poor treatment for yrs., and if my H said he wanted to come home today, I'd say no.
well h showed up at my office 10 minutes ago madder than a hornet. Told me to come outside and gets sons stuff since it was apparent I didn't want to come by his place anymore. He gave me stuff, made to walk to my car but I said was locked that i would take to my office...he said go in and get keys! So I get keys unlock van and try to remain pleasant say I'm glad you brought the stuff s11 will be glad to get it cause he's been getting withdrawals not playing his ps2. H says well maybe you need to get them something else to do besides sitting on their butts playing games...hey why don't you have them go out back and drink with your dad and brother since sons can't come to my place every Sunday! I just shake my head and then walk back toward the door to the building. H walks to his car saying something about f*****g around and do the damn thing. I say what did you say. H says you heard me!
I go inside call his apartment to say he's right I don't want to come over to his place, be with him since he has no idea what he wants. First it's come, then it's go, then it's call then it's don't call....it hurts me to be treated like a dog and I don't want to come to his place to get hurt. so until some behavior changes, I can't make any more steps toward him. For example today the way you talked to me, you have nothing good to say about me and that is something that has not changed! I hung up.
Well it looks like if I don't give in and be what he wants I'm going to get the d. Maybe I should just surrender and call, sleep with him, tell him all my whereabouts, etc so he can come home. Cindy
Ok, Now I really think your totally bent on self destruction to want to be with that nutbar!
My God woman, if you had a daughter, think of her being treated like that and what you'd want her to do.
I'm not saying D him although he falls extremely close into the category of top notch losers the way he's treating you.
STOP CALLING HIM! He pulls you in everytime, and he is disrespectful of you every chance he gets.
Why would you want to sleep with that?? How would you feel afterwards about yourself?
The message it would give him is; I can walk all over her, treat her like dirt, be as disrespectful as one can get, and she still wants me! Now, What does he really think of you letting him treat you that way?
Sorry if I sound harsh, but gosh darn girl, he is unreal!
Let him go. If he changes-GREAT! If he doesn't, give him a do not pass go card, go directly to he##!! Rachael
Your post was right on. I laughed at how right on it is!
He is unreal! Totally confused and out on a limb trying to grab me to hang on to...dragging me down in the process. You are right he's thinking he can bully me into giving in to his demands. Usually when he would be like this, I would try to make amends (though I had not done anything wrong) and then sleep with him and everything would be ok. You are right I've let him go on too long this way because of my fear of getting the d.
He just won't see that it is him that is insane....treating me the same way and expecting different results!
I can only stand there and watch...nothing I say gets into that skull of his!
Just got back from my counseling session. The MC and I both do not know how to proceed now because feelings are very hurt by both h and myself. MC thinks setting some boundaries will be helpful. He said that h came in yesterday saying that he wants the m. But h's feelings are hurt and he feels rejected because i do not return his calls immediately, sometimes he can't find me, and i do not call him. MC says that he's not saying my h is not selfish but that because of his past my h can not make a decision without the outcome being affected. As for me, I've been very petty in trying to teach my h a lesson by paying him back in kind for the way he's been treating me. MC says we need to learn to be nice and sit down and discuss boundaries....like a set time to talk to one another each week, how often we'd like to see each other, what our dates will be like....really boils down to communication.
We also need to strive to be very, very clear with each other about everything said. I also need to repeat back what I hear since h's biggest complaint is that I do not listen.
I got mad at MC said how come my h has the balls to get mad at me in my place of business but can't tell me how he feels about our m! how pathetic! MC said that yes he agrees but look at how society has defined maleness...men can't even admit to feelings because it is not manly! Years of being raised to bury feelings makes it doubtly hard for a man to even speak them out loud much less to a wife that will most likely assume the worst when he finally does. My assumptions are killing his desire to be open. My assumptions from h and I's past together, past hurts, childhood...all rearing their heads when ever my h says something mean, anti-marriage, or looks at me funny...especially during something as heated as separation.
MC felt as though laying down some ground rules will help us get the basics out of the way and then we can really get to the heart of the real issue...finding our self-esteem in God not in each other.
Well that's my update....I'm to do nothing until the MC calls h tonight. Pray for us...we need some divine assistance...cause these 2 humans done bungled it up but good!
OK, so now we have a viewpoint on a driection to take.
Cindy, you need to detach. I know it's hard, but you have to stop letting his actions trigger responses, and you have to drop your expectations of him. Expect nothing, and see what you get. Don't react, ponder. Don't defend, look at his side.
Doesn't excuse all of his behavior, but it appears he refuses to change unless you do, and you've got some of the same attitude.
